i went for coffee with an old friend.
My tears are frequent, and disobedient these days - never staying where they are put, but constantly, freely flowing...
We caught up on our families, what God has been doing in our lives - and how he is causing us to grow. i told her about my family... and found the words came sparse and hard... "i feel like i'm a child again..."
"Well maybe..." she suggested gently, "God doesn't want you to remain a child in that area of your life any longer. Maybe, He wants you to grow."
Her words washed over me - brushing away some of the confusion, lighting a small light so that instead of complete darkness, i could see the grainy outline what might be.
i can explain that moment like this:
Imaging you're hurtling down the highway, making great progress towards your goal. Suddenly, you come to a stretch of the road where it's not only unpaved, there's no gravel road, there's not even a trail and the grass and trees grow freely there, water runs through it and you have no idea how to get across. You look behind you to see if you've turned the wrong direction, but the beautifully paved highway leads you directly to this very spot. You strain your eyes to see in the distance, and can see the shiny blacktop beyond this patch of wild... and know that it must be crossed, but don't know how.
Up until the moment my friend offered the gentle suggestion of growth, i had turned off my vehicle and was sitting on the side of the road crying.
& it's ok to grieve.
It's ok to know that what is ahead is rough and untamed.
It's ok to be afraid - knowing that there will be difficulties, pain and slow laborious progress to get back to that highway...
But with her words, i found the strength to put the key in my ignition, and put my vehicle into drive. Maybe it'll get stuck and i'll have to abandon it. And instead of driving, i'll be forced to continue on foot for the remainder of my journey. Maybe it will be easier than i anticipated, and before i know it, i'll be flying down that easy smooth highway again... but regardless, the wilds await me.