Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Mollen Years part 2

Two weeks after Mollen was born, another young mama from my church lost her son. - He was full term & he got tangled in his umbilical cord. Suddenly what had already felt bleak, now felt black & dark... & my journal ~ that in previous pregnancies heard me whining about my postpartum body heard only desperate prayers.

i devoured my bible. i read the whole thing in 3 months & then flipped back to Genesis & started again. i sat at the piano with my bible open & prayed the psalms in song to God.

If i hinted to anyone that i was struggling, *i felt* that the response was, 'you brought this on yourself, you wanted all these 'blessings'... deal.'

My baby cried.

She cried like no other baby i had ever known. She cried all day & all night. She would scream for hours in the night... & i would hold her & whisper her middle name in her ear, "Solace, be comforted, be comforted..."

i took her to the doctor & they ran blood tests & found nothing. i tried changing my diet... She didn't seem to be gaining weight like my other babies did. We left any vacation early... exhausted with taking turns in a back room, holding a baby who bewildered us with her seeming suffering. i took her to the doctor again & again & they found nothing wrong with my little mite.

One Sunday at church, my friend who had lost her son came up to me & asked if she could hold her. i was just shaking - Mollen had been screaming all morning & Neil was at work - & i felt so grateful ~ nobody ever wanted to - or offered to hold her, not even Neil - because of her constant screaming. ~ She sat down with her & closed her eyes & just *breathed* my baby in. As i watched my friend hold my little one, i knew that in that moment, God was dealing tenderly with us both.

In our homeschool, the little ones made up songs - substituting each child's name like, 'Cairo, you're a blessing to this family, Cairo, we're so glad you're in this family, Cairo, you're a blessing to this family, Cairo Cairo, Caiiiirooo nananana..' (hehe, you have to hear it to get the whole effect)... or...

"The Beselt family loves each other, & we will never forget that... mommy, daddy & the siblings.... all love one another....God's love- everybody loves God's love - some people like to climb trees, but everybody loves God's love, everybody loves God's love."

'Rhythm dance' parties were held at any meal - 'i love bein' a kid... i love bein' a kid... etc... ' & then it was my turn.... 'i love bein' a mom, ya, i love bein' a mom!!' i'd shout them down any day. - (Hey, Neil wasn't around to get after us for excess noise!) i was grateful for our bible time. We read through, 'Leading Little Ones To God' & acted out bible stories. We learned to do our reading, writing & math, with the sound of wailing in the background. We all remember Mollen's first word because i was reading aloud & suddenly in her crying she shouted, "mama" ~ We all stopped what we were doing & congratulated her & tickled her & hugged her up... but she kept crying.

i hope that my little ones saw me clinging to Jesus.

But clinging was about all i was capable of. i remember distinctly one day taking my baby across the street to my neighbours house. Our children were friends & she is an amazing christian woman who i still admire. i had tears in my eyes & i said, "Colleen, please, just lay hands on her & pray for her to stop crying."

She did... but my baby kept crying.

i can't put exact dates on the parentheses around what we laughingly (or tearfully if i'm honest) call the Mollen years...

Over time after she was around 1 and a half things slowly began to improve. Not just with my little baby - who cried her babyhood away... but in those dark places in me, where Jesus met with me & healed me & spoke to me & tenderly walked with me.

Maybe there are logical words for what i went through... Maybe i was sad & lonely - & my baby had colic - but to me, it felt like spiritual growth.

i hope that Mollen would never be sad to read this little series of posts when she gets older. It wasn't her fault that she was a sad (& probably in pain) little baby. The *fruit* of the Mollen years is precious to me... The painful pruning produced a beautiful harvest. i am so grateful to God for those years & for the babyhood of the little one who brings them to my mind.


Melissa said...

Oh, Paige - I had no idea that The Mollen Years were so tough on you!! Jesus is shaping and moulding (ouch!) - doesn't feel very good... *hugs* -

I remember that song!! Remember when we were over to your place in Sexsmith?? I totally remember you guys singing that family blessing song (the first one)!! It was stuck in my head for months afterwards!

jessica jespersen said...

I want a posted video of a re-enactment of at least one of the songs...Then we can learn it. :)--j

Mindy said...

What a blessing to be able to look back with such perspective. Thank you for sharing your journey. I am sure that Mollen will greatly value this story when it's her turn to become a mama!

Anonymous said...

Colleen's Sara screamed and cried like that for the first year or more of her life (and no one could say why)... so you aren't the only one who has had a difficult baby...

I can relate to dark days and not seeing a baby as a blessing but as a struggle... unfortunately I don't think I was at a point where I was able to seek God for help at that time. When everything fell apart here, I began to feel like it would have been better if poor little Isobel hadn't been born -- my negative thinking said she hadn't asked to be born and at 18 months she didn't deserve to be left high and dry when her Dad walked out...

But now I am starting to see some of the blessings. She didn't witness the same "abuse" as Alisdair did so therefore she doesn't remember the bad times as much and has had less adjustment to having a new Daddy. And she is a joy to John who has never had a little child of his own to cuddle and take for rides on his shoulders, etc.

And now I am feeling that "teamwork" -- last night Isobel was having a bad time and she was up several times. At one point John got up and dealt with whatever she needed. When he climbed back in bed he said, "That's what you call SHARED PARENTING!"

Thank God for an understanding mate -- a little help and teamwork makes all the difference in the world!

Saskatchewan Cousin


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