Wednesday, January 21, 2009

giftings - what you probably don't know about me

For the past several months, i've been helping out with the music at our church.
i love music.
i love especially working with *good* musicians. There's this one guy who's a drummer & some Thursday nights, he gets incredibly creative - & in music, you can just play off of each others creativity & i don't know how to describe it without sounding like a huge nerd - but it feeds something in me.
There are challenges to it too - but for the most part, i love putting together packages & helping to organize that part of our services & help to fill in that need our church has for music.
On the other hand - lately, i've been feeling like there's this other *need* in the circles i travel in & it's been on my mind that there needs to be a 'gathering' opportunity for all the homeschooling families in my area.
i don't love gathering.
My husband describes me as a hermit. i'm ok when i'm out & about, but to plan an outing makes my stomach sick. i probably don't at all seem like an introvert to anyone i've met in real life - but going out, being around other people (not including my family) takes *everything i've got*. (This sounds so selfish when i type out these words, but in the interest of being honest, i'll leave it as is... :) i know that God wants me to be an interactive part of society... but it's not at all something that comes easy to me. When i invite someone over, my heart beats faster, i get stomach aches, & when the doorbell rings, i start to sweat & i find myself very glad when i can just hide behind Gage because then i have something to do with my hands that suddenly seem too awkward to actually be apart of my body.
When i wrote about Auntie Marlene encouraging me to practice hospitality, that was HUGE for me. Neil has really encouraged me that way too - to just let go of my discomfort - to think past my own problems to the needs that might come through my door. i *want* to be that house where friends can gather & feel comfortable & at home... & i want to be able to 'get over myself' & build relationships without having a panic attack... so long story short... this is something i really work on. Neil doesn't ask me anymore - he just invites people over. i try not to think too much anymore either - i just say the words, 'Want to come over?' & then deal with it :) We end up having people over a lot - & that's *good*.
i don't know why it's not like that for me with music. Maybe because there's this folder of music between us? Maybe because i know what's expected of me? Maybe because i'm fed by the music enough that my social inadequacies don't bother me so much?
So, this burden - this idea - this *need* that i'm feeling in my homeschooling circles makes me very uncomfortable.
One time when i was talking about a different need i was seeing in our church with a very wise woman, she told me this: it's not always up to you to take up the challenge & organize an event or a ministry... (don't get me wrong, sometimes that's *exactly* what you're supposed to do) - but she encouraged me to take the first step - which is to pray about it.
So, i'm praying about a homeschool gathering. & i guess i'm taking the second step too, which is to organize an afternoon playdate where we can all meet & maybe get to know each other a bit. i don't know if i have the tools in my toolbox to tie the pieces together to make something like this happen, but i get the feeling that it is time for something like this to happen in our community. It's been interesting as i've been talking to other mamas the response has been very enthusiastic & very much, 'what can i do?' & i just shrug & say, 'i don't know'... but maybe once we all meet, the right leaders will step up & take over... ? Or maybe if we try to get together once or twice, it'll be obvious that i'm wrong & we're all a bunch of introverts who would rather slit our wrists than get together & be social?
Wow, have i ever put together such a rambling non-sensical post?
Mamas in my area - looks like the afternoon of Febrary 5th is a go. Email me if you want details.


Jen said...

Brian and I decided that we are hermits hospitality is something we need to work on. Our excuse is that our house is too small...God's gonna 'bless' us with a huge house isn't he ;)
I guess we'll just have to visit each other more to help each other work on the whole 'social thing'. I felt VERY comfortable and welcome in your house by the way.

kesmom said...

Oh my goodness Paige! I could have written that post (minus the music part)!
I'm a huge introvert as well, and get major anxiety about leaving the house. But once I do, and am with my friends I feel so much better!
Like Jen, my excuse is always that our house is too small. Can't use that excuse for much longer :P

You are an awesome host Paige. And it never seems like a struggle for you :)

Nikki said...

I'm the opposite of an introvert and am afraid of being home so much if we decide to homeschool. I LOVE having people over and don't like being alone.

There has to be some balance I guess. It lies somewhere between you and I.

kesmom said...

Nikki, if it helps, you are not the only person like that. I know quite a few homeschoolers that fit into that category as well. Its all about finding the right balance.

deborah said...

well, Paige, funny you post about this...perhaps God is nudging me a bit here too..
i had been thinking since our visit that if you take the plunge and start a hs group, and if i take the plunge to hs, then i'm so on board to lead along with you (if you'd want me too, that is)...something to talk about and pray about

jessica jespersen said...

ditto paige. Good for you for continuing to stretch beyond the areas where you feel fed and into areas where you feel inadequate... (you're not by the way.) God blesses each little loaf we bring (even when it dries out the mouth) and every tentative minnow we bring (even when there is squirming involved). :) -j

mamazee said...

i wish i were fed :)in either way...
i love that God is leading you into community and a way to worship Him and blessing others.
you know i am very much the same if not more so... but i am trying to not say "we should" and instead say "how about friday?" - makes me actually do it!


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