i love music.
i love especially working with *good* musicians. There's this one guy who's a drummer & some Thursday nights, he gets incredibly creative - & in music, you can just play off of each others creativity & i don't know how to describe it without sounding like a huge nerd - but it feeds something in me.
There are challenges to it too - but for the most part, i love putting together packages & helping to organize that part of our services & help to fill in that need our church has for music.
On the other hand - lately, i've been feeling like there's this other *need* in the circles i travel in & it's been on my mind that there needs to be a 'gathering' opportunity for all the homeschooling families in my area.
i don't love gathering.
My husband describes me as a hermit. i'm ok when i'm out & about, but to plan an outing makes my stomach sick. i probably don't at all seem like an introvert to anyone i've met in real life - but going out, being around other people (not including my family) takes *everything i've got*. (This sounds so selfish when i type out these words, but in the interest of being honest, i'll leave it as is... :) i know that God wants me to be an interactive part of society... but it's not at all something that comes easy to me. When i invite someone over, my heart beats faster, i get stomach aches, & when the doorbell rings, i start to sweat & i find myself very glad when i can just hide behind Gage because then i have something to do with my hands that suddenly seem too awkward to actually be apart of my body.
When i wrote about Auntie Marlene encouraging me to practice hospitality, that was HUGE for me. Neil has really encouraged me that way too - to just let go of my discomfort - to think past my own problems to the needs that might come through my door. i *want* to be that house where friends can gather & feel comfortable & at home... & i want to be able to 'get over myself' & build relationships without having a panic attack... so long story short... this is something i really work on. Neil doesn't ask me anymore - he just invites people over. i try not to think too much anymore either - i just say the words, 'Want to come over?' & then deal with it :) We end up having people over a lot - & that's *good*.
i don't know why it's not like that for me with music. Maybe because there's this folder of music between us? Maybe because i know what's expected of me? Maybe because i'm fed by the music enough that my social inadequacies don't bother me so much?
So, this burden - this idea - this *need* that i'm feeling in my homeschooling circles makes me very uncomfortable.
One time when i was talking about a different need i was seeing in our church with a very wise woman, she told me this: it's not always up to you to take up the challenge & organize an event or a ministry... (don't get me wrong, sometimes that's *exactly* what you're supposed to do) - but she encouraged me to take the first step - which is to pray about it.
So, i'm praying about a homeschool gathering. & i guess i'm taking the second step too, which is to organize an afternoon playdate where we can all meet & maybe get to know each other a bit. i don't know if i have the tools in my toolbox to tie the pieces together to make something like this happen, but i get the feeling that it is time for something like this to happen in our community. It's been interesting as i've been talking to other mamas the response has been very enthusiastic & very much, 'what can i do?' & i just shrug & say, 'i don't know'... but maybe once we all meet, the right leaders will step up & take over... ? Or maybe if we try to get together once or twice, it'll be obvious that i'm wrong & we're all a bunch of introverts who would rather slit our wrists than get together & be social?
Wow, have i ever put together such a rambling non-sensical post?
Mamas in my area - looks like the afternoon of Febrary 5th is a go. Email me if you want details.