Monday, July 16, 2012

Losing Tiny

i've never had a miscarriage so early that i found out what i lost before i even knew that i had it. 
It's a strange thing to understand you're pregnant and that you're losing the baby - all in the same breath - a feeling of wonder drenched in sorrow and dread. 
And so i will name you Tiny.  Tiny wonder that did me the honour of breaking my body - making sure that i knew you were there - that you lived
i texted my husband in shock - telling him i was miscarrying a baby we never knew i was pregnant with.... and in tenderness, he sent the comfort and the acknowledgement i needed.
And so the loveliness of our time away was touched with the intimate sorrow... of losing Tiny.
And i find my own grief to be strange - there are a million flavours to it... and i'm unable to articulate a single one.
And i don't want to talk.  i don't want to play and sing.  i don't even want to think or cook or clean.   i don't need anything from anyone - & i feel physically fine.  i'm tired of my own flesh and i find i'm most comfortable wrapped around Ephraim waiting for Time to work her magic and make the sting a little less...
Next year will bring fewer moments endured - and more moments enjoyed, right? 
Regardless, i trust Him.  Job 1:21

10 comments:

Torah-Lovin' Mama said...

I'm so sorry Paige. hugs. I'm so glad you have our Father to comfort you. I won't keep rambling but just say that I'll be praying for you.

Joy said...

So sorry, will be praying. Glad you are finding comfort with your littles.

Sara L said...

I'm so sorry to hear... One of my miscarriages was very early too. I think because our body's know that they are carrying another spirit inside of them, that when that is torn away, no matter how early, our mothering hearts feel it deeply. Blessings to you and thank goodness for those little arms..

Mandy said...

So sorry for your loss Neil & Paige.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you. Tons of love

Carlee

paige said...

Sara L - thank you for that, that's really comforting.

deborah said...

Oh Paige. (((hugs)))
I have no words for you...except that I understand.
I am sorry for your loss...
d

Marcy P said...

So sorry to hear of this Paige. My heart goes out to you and your lovies. Praying a prayer right now.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Paige.... thinking of you as you recover...
Saskatchewan Cousin

Mindy said...

Love to you, Paige. I am so sorry...

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