Monday, December 8, 2008

& then it happened...



i remember the first time it happened.
We were at church in Daysland & the little ones had worked on memorizing Away In A Manger for Christmas. i was asked to play for them & i sat at that big ol' upright, ready to do my part. The little ones filed on the stage & among them was my little blondie ~ who generally was too shy to go to Sunday School, but somehow managed to get up with the throng onstage... (if i remember correctly, Sloanie wrangled her way out of Granny's arms & clung to her sister's side onstage too...) The lights were dim, & i started to play & the little voices started to sing....
& suddenly it happened.
Great heaving sobs rose in my chest... It's a good thing it's a simple melody & my hands didn't need my eyes made dim by tears. i was completely taken off guard by my loss of control & wrote it off as *one of those moments*...
But, over the years, it's happened again and again... It happened when my three big girls competed in a triathlon, or when they played their violins in church... It happens at those seemingly small moments & is so completely overwhelming i wondered why my heart can hardly stand the joy of seeing my littles *do*... something... Neil & i just howled when we watched the videos i took of the triathlon... i didn't realize i was so *loud*... cheering till i was almost hoarse... & yet there's that catch in my voice when Peyton comes out of the water.
So, on Saturday, Cai had her first Bow Valley gig. They played at a seniors residence in the north of the city. Neil took the other 4 swimming in Okotoks & i packed up my little book ends (oldest & youngest :) & dropped my little bundle of nerves at the door. Gage had fallen asleep & i had fallen behind in my bible reading, so i read Jeremiah while he snoozed & Cai went in with all the other little fiddlers in plaid. After over an hour had gone by, i'd had enough of Jeremiah... (so terribly horribly sad!) & sweet little boy was starting to stir, i picked him up & went in. We got in as the older group was finishing their set & then, thankfully, they called all the fiddlers up for one last song... i was holding Gage & his little body was swaying to the music & Cai caught my eye & gave me her huge grin... & they started playing...
& then it happened...
The big group of fiddlers became a blur. It was all i could do to hold myself back from sobbing to the nurse in front of me, "That one's mine!!" i pretended to be wrapped up in a conversation with Gage so no one would notice the tears in my eyes as they wrapped up their song.
i got home & wrote a laughing email to my mom & she wrote me back & said, "Great! What a wonderful show for those lucky old folks. I bet they LOVED it. I cried too....at Steph's first orchestra *practice*.....haha......"
i guess it runs in the family.
(*you can stop the music on my blog by scrolling to the bottom & pressing pause... and... you might want your speakers turned down... it was a very exciting moment for me... *blush*)


8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nothing wrong with a few tears... Mum says that it just means "your bladder is too close to your eyes!" I remember crying when Alsidair started Kindergarten (but then you think everyone cries on a kids first day of school.... but I was totally unprepared for the tears on his final day of Kindergarten. I felt so silly... now he's happy to go to school and I am happy for him, so I've gotten over the tears - at least for now.... Isobel's coming up in a few years!!! I think tears show you care about someone or something deeper than words can express. Enjoy reading your blog -- Saskatchewan Cousin!

Mindy said...

I tend not to be a big crier, but I find that I cry a lot more these days...since becoming a mommy. The world seems like such a big place, and they seem so tender. I can't keep the tears back when they file up to the front of the church to sing with all the other kids...

p.s. your video clip made me get misty, and I don't even KNOW Peyton!

deborah said...

Ah, a proud mamma. I think it's fantastic. I would have screamed right along with you at the triathlon!

RosyJ said...

oh yeah!
I too am a fountain...
You need to let me know when the next triathlon is!
I want to do one... or a marathon before I chicken out...and lose my nerve...I'd love to do one with my guys!

jessica jespersen said...

sob sob... you know me! hee hee. Love this post because i could have written it myself. (after all, i'm unfortunately the one who sobbed through the truck commercials that sang out "Like a Rock!") I am completely lost when it comes to my children. Darren, Carrie and I watched our favorite mini-series last night. A soldier breaks down in Robin's arms over the realization that his brother died crying in the Holy Land on the battlefield and the hero story about him hadn't been true. Robin tells him that his brother begged him to tell his family "Don't tell them that i cried... tell them i was laughing out the wrong side of my face..." I love that line. I think i'm going to adopt it as my own. :)--j

mamalena said...

Ha...remember when you ran anchor for the KSS relay team and you were last runner in (because your team was already WAY behind when you got the baton)....and I thrashed my vocal cords yelling even after all the other teams were done... (didn't want you to run that last bit alone)...go ahead and cheer....it makes everything more fun!...mama

Kelly @ Wisdom Begun said...

This was such a precious post. I really enjoy your blog.

Prvbs31Mama said...

Sigh...yeah, I'm a bit of a suck too...aren't babies such a wonderful thing when you're trying to cover up emotions!! lol
I think it would be odd for mom's NOT to cry when they are proud of their kids etc...but then I'm kinda like Jessie too and cry during commercials...lol

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