Monday, April 30, 2007

my little niece got badly burned this weekend from some powerful *wart* medecine. She has huge blisters all over her face & arms. poor little mouse. She had chewed through the package. As if that wasn't bad enough, it appears she's ingested some of it & has been peeing blood. i've been just aching for her (& my poor sister) ~ but when i saw the pictures last night, my stomach was just sick. i hate when the little lovelies get hurt. i wish i could take the pain for her. it seems crazy, but sometimes i wish there were no consequences for our sin, well, no consequences for little ones who didn't listen to mama & got into what they should not.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

but i trust in Your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in Your salvation. i will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me ~

My body's not acting right. Seems so strange, 'cause i'm a healthy girl, i eat healthy & exercise... i'm not anciently old & usually i feel really good.
i'm begging God for healing now...
i miss that little baby ~ growing normally inside me.
Now my sweet one is gone & in place of the joy we were to have, i have a body that refuses to co-operate...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

um, we're ready for summer.
This pic is old ~ but Molls was looking through my pics & wanted the pic with the bathing suit.
Can't wait to swim at the lake this year.
We go to the public pool every weekend since my dad bought us 40 passes for Christmas... but looking forward to sand & sun...
p.s. how the heck do her little knees join like that? it's like magic.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Ever feel like you're coming out of a dark room & you look about you & realize how much you love the person you walk beside? As your eyes adjust to the light & you see that they were there ~ with you... in the dark. The more i love Jesus, the more i realize what a beautiful picture our marriages are supposed to be. & the more i love the man i walk beside.
There is intimacy that comes from our sorrows.
You make a choice to be drawn to your husband in your sorrow ~ rather than allow wedges to drive you apart.
There is intimacy in allowing your flawed self to be laid bare for the man you love.
There is intimacy in the stillness that comes when you've said all there is to say & you can almost read his mind.
From that intimacy, comes fruitfulness. What a beautiful picture of the Father's love for us. That He wants to be intimate with me is enough to cause me to lay myself bare. To throw myself at Him, holding nothing back ~ to tell Him i'm broken. To let Him carry me. To know the Father's will because i've looked for Him and found Him & to feel *peace* ~ knowing He's the one drawing me.
i remember that story about the little girl who was too scared to go to sleep & her parents said "but God is with you" & she replied "i want someone with skin on". :)
i think sometimes when Neil has held me, that i've felt like he is God's gift: to give me love when i needed someone with skin on too.
i sent neil this little Dixie Chicks love song:)
i'm so grateful for neil...


They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

Monday, April 23, 2007

i started a couple of posts this weekend, but nothing flowed.
i love the weekends. We usually go swimming as a family on Saturday & go to church on Sunday. This Sunday i went on a big walk with my bigger girls. They're so cute. Neil got tickets (through work) to the Calgary game & so he was there last night~(they lost & they're out of playoffs now, but he had fun anyway).
Gotta go do spelling with my girl.

Friday, April 20, 2007

These are my sweet acryllic paintings my lovelies made for me:) The blank one is for our two that went home early... i'm thinking of getting the littles to put fingerprints all over it. Haven't decided yet.

Here's one of my 8yo bookworm:) She just finished Little Women this week & started on Black Beauty
need i say more?
Neil's out of town.
BUT :) On my "merry sunshine" side of life, we are having a *great* time homeschooling these days. i love love love the homeschooling lifestyle. (The parts i don't like about it are when i have character issues... yeah, you read that right... it's usually *my* impatience, my loss of temper, my laziness etc...) BUT, even that's overshadowed by the opportunity to grow my character, being with my little people, helping them learn & just being a family.
i'm trying something new. We're trying to get math & language arts done in the AM (LA includes typing, spelling, writing, memorization, a few workbooks we're finishing off.. math includes drills, lessons etc...)
Then, we have a tidy up, eat lunch, and then in the afternoon, i read to them (today it was Bible & Anne of Windy Poplars) & then we're working on a "heart" lapbook. (So, i guess that's technically 'science' but it's got all sorts in it in terms of vocabulary & even math ~ calculating your pulse & then how many beats in a day etc...) i want to include phys ed & music in the afternoons too. Oh, and art. Sloanie's making the most beautiful acryllic painting of my "mums" Neil bought me. (They can do art while i read too ~)
i feel like we're not just dragging on all day from one book to another to another & just not getting to a lot of the fun stuff.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

~had a blue day:(
We had company & it's raining & i got out of my rhythm, & comfort zone.
Neil is just like a warm blanket on a cold day.
i love that guy.
What is it about somebody whose very presence sooths & comforts.
Man, i've whined enough about his lack of compassion, but regardless, i think i'm addicted. Right now, he's bathing our *stinky* little ones:) & i just finished cleaning up the kitchen. He came downstairs & said, "it's fun playing house." & i said, "Who's playing house?" & he said, "us". hehe.
In 3 or so weeks, it'll be our 11 year anniversary. wow. We were married at 18 & 19, & i'll tell you, it sure has felt like playing house.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

i couldn't get through reading the paper this morning... i was sobbing & my little, soft 4 year old son came & wrapped his manly little arms around me and said, "Is there too much sadness in the paper this morning, mom?"
yes, there was.
The story that stuck out for me from the Virginia Tech shootings is the one of the prof who held the door shut, while telling his students to jump out the window to escape. It has become so rare to hear stories of one laying down their life for another, that it just grabbed my heart. Why did that one prof ~ a 76 year old Holocaust survivor ~ have the instinct to lay down his life? (i say instinct because who can act on much else when you have moments, maybe seconds, to decide your course of action.
i've always wondered if i would have that instinct. i've always wondered if what i'm made of would shame me in a moment of crisis.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

So, i'm home from AHEA (homeschool conference in Red Deer). It was really refreshing ~ to use a clichee word :)
The best part was easily that i went with my 2 big sisters *and* my mom. i felt so incredibly spoiled to have this much support with this life choice. All the dad's took all the littles swimming and to the park and out for lunches. They had a blast. Three dads with 16 children between them ~ i guess they created quite a stir wherever they went.
One big shift i want to make with my homeschooling is that i want to have more school that appeals or applies to more children. It's getting too hard having separate lessons for all the children. As the little ones are getting bigger, i've been feeling that it's probably in my best interest to switch to a more "unit study" approach. i did some experimenting with that today & everyone loved it. i'm excited to see where this type of homeschooling leads us. i'm thinking maybe a bit more prep work, but waaaayyy less running for me back and forth between children during the day. And, way less wasted time for them because they'll all be working on the same thing at the same time and so they won't be waiting for mom to finish math with one to help with spelling for another... (hopefully ~ i'll post the reality when i've had more time to see how this works).
At AHEA, every year, Alberta ProLife has a booth. When i stopped by their booth, my heart just stopped. They had on display teeny pictures with babies at the exact stage of life as my sweet baby when we said goodbye. Those pictures looked exactly like my little Hope looked when i held him in my hand. It was almost like i couldn't hear all the convention noises around me... or feel the others jostling me in that tiny prolife booth.
The lady who was running the booth was the president of APL, & as i stood there, a little transfixed, my sister told her about the website that i work on . She took down the address & we moved on...
She emailed me when i got home & asked me if i'd like to be more involved with APL. i *do* feel like i'd like to be more involved, but up till now, the website has been the easiest way for me to be active in prolife. With 5 little ones, and Neil's unpredictable work schedule, it's just been easier for me to be prolife from home;) Now, i'm feeling a little challenged. Would it be possible for me to give a little more? Is God trying to stretch me & give me more opportunities to speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves?
~ as a sidenote, as i typed that last sentence, i was reminded of an article i read recently in the National Post (February 26, 2007). i'll post a little snippet here where British Professor (obstetrician) Stuart Campbell is quoted as saying; "Even at 12 weeks, these fetuses indicate very complex behaviour," he said. "They yawn, they hold their toes. At 20 weeks, one can see facial expressions, and at 22 to 23 weeks, their eyelids begin to open. You can actually see the fetus developing into a human being.
"They are, themselves, their own best advocates. Once, only the supporters of a woman's right to choose really had a voice. Now the fetus itself can speak through these pictures. They are saying: 'I am here. See, this is what I can do.' Which of us should ignore that?"

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Planning on going to a homeschool conference this weekend. i'm feeling really overwhelmed (and yet still very much at peace with our choice to homeschool;)
This fall, i will have a grade 6, grade 4, grade 2, kindergarten, *and* a crazy little mollen running around. *smile*
i'm not a great teacher, but i really love having my littles at home. i love that they're different than most littles. i love that we read great books together. i love that they're friends with each other. i love the flexibility, and the creativity that comes with homeschooling. i do love being a momma & i guess a big part of homeschooling for me is that homeschooling is a natural extention of motherhood.
i've got math for all of them figured out ~ but not a ton else. i usually make an order from sonlight... My first couple of years (with *one* homeschooling) i was so organized & made sure every t was crossed & every i dotted. Now, i feel like i need to get organized like that again, but i have no idea how to do it with 5 children. Maybe i should go rummage through my papers & find my vision statement & goals i made for my littles way back when Cai started. i'll post them later if i can find them:) Gotta go.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

My mom's coming to see us again. She said we can just sit & cry together if i want. :) There's a mom for you, eh?
i finished my George MacDonald book. He's one of those authors who's story line is secondary to the *ideas* he's trying to convey. His biggest idea is changing the way we see God. Here's a few little quotes from the book that don't touch too much on his picture of God, but that stuck out to me:)

"But he is there for those that seek him, not for those who do not look for him. Until they do, all he can do is to make them feel the want of him."

"But I would always rather read an old book than a new one. And then books get so changed by printers and editors. You can never tell how faithful they have been to the author's original intent. It takes an editor who really knows and loves his subject to do a book justice."

(about the 'pastor') "To work thus, he had to lay bare his own feelings; where it was brotherly to show feeling, he counted it unchristian to hide it."

"A fellow was not bound, he said, to insist on his rights."

Yeah, i know, it would be better in context. :) Anyway, it's getting late in the morning & i need to be doing more schooling, less typing.

Monday, April 9, 2007

So, what it truly comes down to is this: Is God Good?
There's really only 3 options. There's a God ~ He's not Good. There's no God ~ either good or evil. There is a God ~ and God is Good.
If i choose to believe (as i do) that there is a perfect God who loves me (and whom i love) ~ how can i doubt that all that He does is right? How can i question His sovereignty?
We look at all the evil and corruption and hurt and pain in the world and i think sometimes we doubt where we should not. (This lie is really not original to our generation, right? i mean, the original lie to Adam and Eve was to doubt God's goodness, wasn't it?). Could He not have a greater purpose than i can fathom? i'm reading a book by George MacDonald right now & he says (something like): Could not God have something greater for His people than their own happiness?
Sometimes feeling this way has made it hard for me to pray. How do i pray and ask for things from a Father who is perfect? Do i just pray, "do it Your way, Father." i've come to the conclusion that God isn't offended by my asking Him to spare me pain. When Jesus was praying in the garden, he asked three times that if God were willing, to have the cup of suffering taken from him.
Yet, not my will, Father, but yours be done.

Friday, April 6, 2007

~bit of a whirlwind...
My doctor phoned me last night at 5pm & said she was going to try to get me in asap, (didn't want me to wait the weekend ~ honestly, i didn't either, i've been feeling really poorly). She said maybe they could get me in tomorrow morning & i thought we can make that work (it's Good Friday, so Neil would be home). She phones me back at 6pm & says the gynecologist on call thinks i should come in tonight & she agrees. i told her Neil was out of town till late but i'd try to make arrangements... (i was getting kind of nervous looking after the littles & feeling the way i did. i had given Cai the emergency numbers to call just in case anything happened to me). So, i called some new friends we'd made at the church and they came over & took me to the hospital & left their daughters here to babysit for me. We had to wait once i was admitted because i had eaten. i finally got ahold of Neil before i got taken in for surgery. He said he'd come as fast as he could (he doesn't take his phone in business meetings... *sigh*).
i had good edifying company visiting with the friends who brought me to the hospital, but i just talked and smiled and tried to put on a good front to cover several things... (my embarrassment? my neediness? my sadness? ~ guess it's just really hard to let everything hang out in real life).
Finally at around 10:30? they wheeled me in for surgery... Neil still hadn't arrived & i was sure wishing he had.
So, i was lined up for surgery in my gurney behind an old man who was getting cataract surgery. (Kept claiming he hadn't signed any forms).
He had a thick german accent & the nurse helping him had a thick french accent. So she says "do you have all your own teeth?" & he says "feet??!" "no, your teeth".. "my feet??" "No, sir, your TEETH" (she says pointing to her own teeth... ummm, *editor's note* he has gauze covering his eyes....) "my own FEET???" (this goes on and on) ~ finally, my doctor arrives asks me, "where's your chart?" (how should i know?) He searches around for it & finds in on the german man's gurney. i say, "he probably wouldn't have been impressed" (the doctor howled).
Haha, now you'll say i'm punishing random men (those of you who thought i was punishing Neil in the ultrasound post), but i'm not. That really happened.
The doctor was really kind. Before the surgery when he came to talk to me i said, "i know this is routine to you..." & he goes, "but you're scared & you want me to be careful. i promise i will take care."
Anyway, i had never been 'knocked out' before... when i came to, i remember i was crying and asking to nurse the baby? i must have been confused. Maybe because childbirth has been my only experience with hospitals... maybe because i was aching so much ~ i don't know, but when i realized what i was saying, i cried even more & i was embarrassed... My throat was so sore i could hardly croak, but i wanted Neil... he hadn't arrived yet. i told the nurses i didn't want our friends to come see me. i just wanted to wait for neil. He finally arrived & they let me go around 12:30.
Today i'm home ~ & recovering. By the time i got to the hospital last night, i had a fever, so i know that this was the route i needed to take.
Gotta go.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Waiting for a phone call from someone to tell me when i have to get that nasty surgery. Lots of moms say that i'll feel better... oh, i'm so hoping to. This is maybe too much information, but when my doctor phoned me yesterday, she said the reason the surgical d&c is unavoidable is because it's been almost 6 weeks since babe was delivered & my cervix is closed & she says there is not much chance of me being able to deliver what's in there on my own. She had originally said if there was a problem we could consider the surgical or chemical d&c, but the u/s said there was too much there to consider the chemical d&c ~ i don't know if one would be better than the other anyway.
On top of that i've been feeling terrible physically... (i had a ruptured cyst on my breast, headaches, i'm so tired & maybe only 10 days without bleeding since Feb 23). She thinks all my symptoms are from haywire hormones & bloodloss.
i was telling a friend of mine that it feels like forever since i've felt good & feels like i'll never feel good again.
i'm so glad i've already delivered tiny baby as i can bear making choices that affect my body... & not someone else's.
i'm so beyond disappointed. i want to feel well for my family & i just can't go on feeling like i do... but in so many ways i wish this could be behind me.
i've been emotional & crying & i so wanted to avoid the surgery.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Bad news...
Dang. The doctor phoned me this afternoon and it looks like i'm going to have to have the surgical d&c afterall.
i'm so disappointed.
we don't have it scheduled yet.
well, i certainly don't want a doctor to 'humour' me... but if there's something not right, i'd like one to help me get to the bottom of it. Had the u/s in the north east. Neil couldn't make it again. y'know, i would love if God could arrange just a teeny pay back. Like if Neil had to drink several litres of water and then follow a map to a location 30 minutes away in heavy traffic that he's never been to before ~ having to stop and ask directions of several people who don't speak english and finally having to wait in a waiting room while they try to find your referral that hasn't been faxed over. Once at the appointment, Neil could have his full, exploding bladder massaged ruthlessly by man named IGOR who also has difficulty with english (at this point, it would help if Neil were a woman, had his period and 5 small children waiting in the waiting room with several more people who don't speak english). Finally, Neil would be allowed to drain his bladder, and would be told that now they were going to do an internal ultrasound. (i can imagine the look of discomfort on his face). Neil would then be told that he has to undress from the waist down. Then lie on a ramp so his bottom is up in the air (he's lying at about a 60 degree angle with a paper nightgown on) He's at such a steep incline, he'll have difficulty inserting the embarrassing contraption, but he'll manage. After a LONG, embarrassing, examination with a woman "chaperone" (as Igor says)... Neil will be told to put his knees together and HOLD THE CONTRAPTION between his legs while Igor goes to get the radiologist to discuss the results. After several minutes of uncomfortable small talk with the chaperone, Neil might casually inquire (while lying with his bottom in the air with a contraption shoved inside him, in a paper nightgown)... "ummm, when do you think Igor will come back?" the chaperone won't know. so he'll try to avoid eye contact while she quizzes him on his extraordinary family size. Finally, the chaperone (maybe she gets uncomfortable too... Neil's legs are shaking by now) decides to go see where Igor is. They both return several minutes later and Igor says he couldn't find the radiologist, so he will thankfully remove the contraption from between Neil's legs. Several minutes later, Igor leaves the room so Neil could dress and drive home by a different route because there would be an accident on the deerfoot and he would need to phone me for a different way home (i would know how to get home & in the background Neil would be able to hear the clink of cutlery as i'd be eating my lunch). That would be a nice little change of affairs... i wonder if there would be more compassion in the world if men had to endure a fraction of the humiliation we endure.
Honestly, next time my doctor prescribes a medical procedure like this, i'm going to weigh my options. worst case scenario... death? vs. the internal ultrasound? hmmm... it's pretty much a toss up... 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.
April already. Certainly doesn't feel like spring. We've been getting a ton of snow.
Physically ~ been having troubles:) i hate to be a whiner 'cause i know my issues are so small compared to what some people live with... but it's hard for wimpy me.
The doctor is sending me for an ultrasound & i got some more bloodwork done. In so many ways, i wish that these physical things i'm going through were behind me. All the little aches and pains of pregnancy are of no consequence when you get a little baby at the end. But to have to go through the pain of losing your wee one~ & then to have physical complications just seems unbearable. & i don't know how much of this post is hormones talking & how much is really me.
Sometimes i feel like i'm stuck reaching back. & i'm going a hundred miles an hour ~ away ~ farther away from my babies. But, Oh, God, by your Goodness alone, i'm working my way towards my little ones & the taste of heaven has sweetened yet again & i rest in the knowledge of your Goodness.
i wonder about You, God. i wonder about the parts & things i don't know or understand. & i want to know You. God, Father, God of Abraham, i want to know You. i don't want to anger You by wondering about untruths, but i don't want to be so stuck to theology that i miss the still small "whisper in the wind".
Gotta go, running out the door to my ultrasound.


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