Monday, April 23, 2012

save me from myself


Gagey has always been an easy boy.  He was born laid back - he's happy, soft hearted and shy.  We tease our little boys that Gagey is Rainbow and the Ephraim is Thunder... - The names seem to fit most days.  They're kind of an awesome little matched set, these 2 little bonus boys, and not a day goes by that i don't realize how very, very blessed i am that they're here. 
At Sunday School, Gagey will only stay if Ephraim will stay with him, often crying to me, "i need Ephraim, momma, i need him!"
The other day, when Neil took the bigger 5 skiing and we had a snuggly day at home, we watched, "Wall-E" & when it got to the scary part, Gagey turned to his little brother and said, "Ephraim, can we hold hands?"
"No." Ephraim responded.
A few minutes passed and Gagey turned to his tiny brother again...
"Ephraim... can i please snuggle you?"
"Yes." came the non-plussed answer. 
You can see why i'm always caught up in spasms of cuteness attacks, can't you?
This week, we had a playdate at a friend's house.  This little friend is right in between my boys - & he had fun toys that my boys had never seen before... & right from when we got there, for reasons that i can't quite figure out, Gage felt right at home.  He had never been there before - but i have never seen him so warm, boisterous (outside of his own environment) & kinda crazy.  He played till he was in a little frenzy.  There was water all over the floor from the water table, they had pulled out every kind of play food from the play kitchen and wreaked havoc on my friend's orderly home. 
When we got home, he was exhausted - and it came out in several tearful little outbursts... He had obviously worn himself out prying himself out of his tight little shell to have so much fun with his friend - & by the time supper rolled around, he had been in trouble at least a half a dozen times, and was curled up in a little ball on the couch in confused tears. 
i let supper simmer...
& i pulled that great big boy up on my lap. 
i totally *get* his confusion over his own behaviour...
i shushed & comforted & let him wet my shoulder with his tears while he cried loudly, "Why does no one like me?"
"Honey boo... everyone likes you... you're just a little undone right now, and you can't quite figure out how to stop your world from spinning.  Mama's just gonna hold you till it stops."
& i held him like a little baby in my arms - & i could feel the exhaustion brought on by extroverted behaviour on an introverted little boy... His little heart pounded next to mine & still we held on & he pressed in close to me while i just cuddled him close...
& it reminded me - just a tiny bit - how sometimes my Father wants to save me from my own self.  He wants to take me in His arms when i'm tired & vulnerable & when i look like i'm "gonna blow"... He wants to soothe, shush & keep my world from spinning out of control too...
All i gotta do is run to His arms. 
i don't have to wait till i'm curled in a ball, spent, and out of control...
i can come with whatever painful little bits i'm carrying around in my pockets.
& He is always faithful...
to save me from my own self. 

4 comments:

Lesley said...

beautiful.

Caitlin said...

holy smokes, lady you gotta stop making me cry! haha. ;)

Carol said...

You are such a sweet, sensitive mother!

Sherry said...

You inspire me in so many ways. But as a mother... wow. Especially as a mother. I think of your words often when parenting my girls, and you make me remember to "get" them. Thank you :)

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