behind the beat

i'm that kind of a musician who defaults to behind the beat... Y'know there are some who anticipate, or who remain rigid to the rhythm of the piece of music played - but when i play with a rhythm section who knows what they're about... my inclination is to lean back - kind of like that game of, "trust" where you fall back & count on the others to catch you. 
i was thinking about this the other day when i was listening to the radio & one vocalist was lazily leaning back on the rhythm of the song.  i could picture her in my head - leaning back until the music caught her as she floated gently backwards - landing on the beat & carried along by it in kind of a woozy gentle melodic throb. 
i think playing behind the beat is my default in life too.  Everything is always happening too fast for me.  Neil makes quick decisions - and i need to think and absorb.  i'll let the time get away on me - and need to consciously force myself to watch the metronome clock - so that i don't get too far behind. 
& then on years like this one... the rhythm hardly means anything at all... & the whole song becomes rubato... all aching melody - single notes extended & others nearly neglected in this strange grieving tune. 
i'm leaning back... way back... & waiting for the rhythm section to come in.  Rescue me, throbbing pulse of real life,  let me feel the swing of the music as it shifts into a different interlude and i'm carried into a different, less painful - section of my opus.