This week is the anniversary of Caleb's birth & it's also Hope's due date.

i remember them both so clearly...
Wee Hope, so barely formed ~ & yet still 'bone of my bone' & Caleb, so fearfully & wonderfully made. ~ These 2 who shaped me in motherhood as surely as all my living children ~ who shaped the lives of their siblings & who invite me with their presence to heaven.
i still miss them.
Neil had promised to take me to Casaloma to hike the little trail there & to remember with me ~ since we were going to be in Kelowna. The day before we were going to leave ended up being taken up with unexpected activities & i kept looking at the clock wondering when we were going to go... The whole day passed & we were leaving in the morning. i set the little alarm by the bed for 6am, sure that i'd just go by myself. The thought of it was just too sad tho & i couldn't help but cry. Neil woke up & asked me what was wrong & i said 'i really want you to come with me tomorrow' ~ Suddenly he remembered *why* it mattered to me so much & he just held me & said he didn't care what time we got home, we'd make the time to go... So, the next day, we took Cai & Sloanie & went. It was a beautiful day for a hike. Along the way, i picked 2 little blue wildflowers & i dropped them in the lake & remembered those 2 little babies. We didn't need to say anything. He told me i'm a good mom ~ sometimes i wonder if somehow i could have been a better mom, i could have saved those babies.