~ Was talking to steevie about our post-baby bodies. We both have a few pounds to lose, but were both saying how *good* we felt. When i was in highschool, i probably weighed more than i do right now & i was always hating my body & feeling badly about how i looked ~ i guess that's before i realized how 'fearfully & wonderfully made' i am. hehe... Sounds braggy, but i've felt more confident with my body since i first pushed out a wee wailing princess in the fall of 1996... How could i possibly have done that? How could this body have housed one of God's creations? How could it be that colostrum and then milk both came in to feed a hungry baby. i realized my body had done something incredible.
When we lost Caleb, 4 months into my pregnancy ~ i lost faith in my body. How could it give up on the little one i wanted so badly? My belly and my breasts were empty.
i love that passage in the bible when Rachel is longing for a baby & she says to Jacob, "give me a baby or i will die." & He responds, "Am i God?" (Gen. 30)
i guess i'm not God.
& i'm glad i'm not God.
He gave.
He took.
Blessed be His name.
When i found myself counting down 'days till baby' again ~ & again ~ & again ~& again over the years that followed ~ my confidence grew. i laughed at the girl i was when i threw up my hands in despair the first time that 2 little ones needed me at the same time. i learned that i could do more than i ever thought i could do with the body i despaired of in highschool. i did laundry, cooked & cleaned ~ i nursed sick ones, when i was so sick i'd have loved to have been nursed... i sang, & played music, read stories, kissed cuts & put lotion on sunburns. i taught them things like reading, writing, baking & 'never leave a sibling crying on the street'. i carried them on my back, pulled them in wagons & pushed them away on bikes with no training wheels...
i'm so grateful for this body ~ despite it's flaws & shortcomings...
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me togehter in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of
of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 13-16