i spent way too much time on the computer today. i got a link to this blog & honestly, i couldn't stop reading... A friend of mine went through a similar loss a couple of years ago & this mama's writing struck a chord for me.
i've been spending some time on a 'baby center' birth board. i've never done anything like that before & it's strange to be reading about women with whom you have nothing in common other than a due date. It's given me so many chances to share my thoughts & wonderings about motherhood ~ & i think it's been good.
These days, this little person is becoming so real to me ~ as i feel the little pokes & jabs & know that bones & muscles are getting stronger. Sometimes i just stop what i'm doing & call out, "Baby, i love you!" & all the littles stop what they're doing & say, "peek-a-boo, we love you too!" (Did i tell you they call baby peek-a-boo because when we went for the ultrasound, the little baby had hands cupped around eyes as if peeking through a window... so sweet... Peyton took one look & said, "mommy, can that baby see us too??")
Neil's been gone the last couple of days (gets back in the wee hours tonight...) & man, i miss that guy. Seems, i feel so much more peace when he's here. i don't know... is it peace? maybe completeness? i feel like lately, God has been using Neil to give me precious gifts... & it's in the quiet moments ~ when he doesn't say much, but he's there ~ or when he challenges my lazy logic ~ or when i just need a few sweet words of comfort. i'm so grateful for my husband. i overheard Neil talking with my dad when he was here & my dad said, "Neil, tell me something good that's going on." & Neil replied, "i'm really looking forward to this baby." Feels good to be looking forward together ~ & anticipating this little life that will so deeply impact our lives.

Cai's 11... *eleven*... a young lady...
crazy.
i remember when her legs were about as big around as a loonie. & her teeny feet were the same size as Neil's big toes. i remember her teeny head covered with downy fuzz & her sweet fingers reaching up to me.
Now, she's funny, smart & capable. Her legs are still skinny, but they're strong. Her hair is all grown out from the buzz cut she got last summer... but she still reaches out to me.
Neil got up at 4 'cause he had to catch a flight to Kansas today. & when i started rolling around, the baby in me woke up too & started doing gymnastics & i realized that 11 years ago at that moment, i was birthing my first daughter. What a neat moment. i can't wait to meet this little one growing & stretching in me.
Happy birthday little Cai.

My sister Steph & i have talked about this quite a bit... i found this link on one of my favourite blogs (lily of the valley ~ her blog is so sweet & so many good ideas). The story tho, left me wondering, why won't anybody talk about this??


ENVIRONETDAILY
Birth-control pills poison everyone?
Environmentalists silent on threat from water tainted with estrogen
Posted: July 12, 20071:00 a.m. Eastern
© 2007 WorldNetDaily.com
While environmentalists are usually vocal about perceived threats ranging from pesticides to global warming, there is a silence when it comes to one threat already harming the water supply: hormones from birth-control pills. (to keep reading click here).

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Seriously, i think everyone should go read this... It makes me sick to my stomach. & it makes sense when you hear of so many people having trouble conceiving... so sad...

am i afraid of God?

i don't think i've ever doubted God's existance ~ or that He is Good ~ or that He will do what is right... But i don't know how to completely surrender... i'm afraid that He'll take something (someone) from me & i feel *fear*.

i want to press in & *know* God ~ & be completely surrendered to His will & yet, i must be holding back... because i'm scared. How do you let go of fear? i honestly want to...
i do understand that He does all things well & that there is eternal purpose in all that He does (& i readily acknowledge that His purposes are often hidden from me). But His purposes included Job losing all his children... & His purposes included me losing 2 of mine... & while i know that those 2 little ones are safe at Home, & one day, i'll go there too...
i'm still afraid.
God, help me...
"for God did not give us a spirit of timidity (fear), but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline"...
Is it a discipline issue?
My friend said to me today, 'y'know, there is something to be said for time... It really does heal'... & maybe it's a timing thing...
i just know that i feel frustrated by my fear & what seems to me as a lack of faith.
i want to cast my burdens & take on his light yoke, but for some reason, i find i'm unable (or unwilling??)

"Woman is brain damaged after routine surgery, court told"
Woah, now that's a headline to catch your eye. i was reading the National Post this morning & read about Lisa Baert who is now wheelchair bound with prosthetic hands and legs, who now lives in a longterm care home as a result of a..... tubal ligation.
i guess her bowel was punctured during the surgery & the toxins released into her body before she got back to the hospital caused all this horrible damage.
It's truly amazing to me, the lengths we've gone to as a society to avoid children. i'm so sorry for Lisa & her husband & her two little boys who won't remember the healthy mama who brought them into the world. But i'm also sorry for the hundreds of thousands who have been sterilized without the obvious consequences. They've sacrificed something precious & i honestly feel they've stolen something valuable from their spouse & marriage. i don't expect a lot of people to understand that sentiment, i guess, since sterilization is so widespread & accepted nowadays, but, wow i wish i could encourage christian couples to dig a little deeper & ask themselves why God would be calling them to sterility? A God who constantly blessed with increase & whose first command was to be fruitful & multiply.
Hmmm... This post is sounding a little preachy... i didn't mean for it to...
i guess what i meant is... if it ain't broke...

Andrea Mrozek is my new hero. She's constantly writing into the National Post sticking up for family. Mostly i've enjoyed her letters to the editor (or corrections of others' misleading letters to the editor :) (She's the manager of Research and Communications at the institute of Marriage and Family Canada). Today, there was an article written by her titled, "Abortion and mental health: The link we cannot ignore." It sort of reminded me of the Femenists for Life slogan, "Abortion, women deserve better."
i thought Andrea Mrozek did a great job of doing something i find i'm incapable of, & that is separating the murder of teeny innocents from the act of abortion. She started the article with the news that could, i guess, surprise some: that abortion is one of the most common surgeries performed on women in Canada... that fact alone brings tears to my eyes... But she goes on, not to argue about the sanctity of life, but about the negative effects that abortion has on the women who have them... Not just physical effects (though, i'm sure we've all heard the horror stories of hysterectomy or death following a botched abortion) ~ but the mental effects on women who have made the choice to end that little life that is growing in them. It seems so demeaning to assume that a woman would come away from such a surgery not understanding or knowing what had been sacrificed. The heightened mental health risks included drug use, sleeping problems and increased anxiety. These poor little mamas ~ being lied to ~ conned by a society that no longer recognizes what is really valuable. Deep down, honest women will admit that lives ~ lives that they should have been willing to lay down and die to defend ~ were sacrificed. Then, they're told that life will go on, side effects will be minimal, there is nothing to mourn, choice is to be celebrated, effectively crushing the little mama heart that God created in them way back when they were being formed in the secret place... God is so great & merciful, He'll see, He'll hear, He'll rescue, but i have to agree with Andrea Mrozek's closing statement : "We owe it to women to learn exactly what risk they face when they have an abortion."

First picture shows the reason my back hurts :)

& second picture, my daughter painted this series of faces & i think they're amazing. She'll be 11 at the end of the month. (She sewed on the glasses & bows & button & painted in acryllics).

This week is the anniversary of Caleb's birth & it's also Hope's due date.

i remember them both so clearly...
Wee Hope, so barely formed ~ & yet still 'bone of my bone' & Caleb, so fearfully & wonderfully made. ~ These 2 who shaped me in motherhood as surely as all my living children ~ who shaped the lives of their siblings & who invite me with their presence to heaven.
i still miss them.
Neil had promised to take me to Casaloma to hike the little trail there & to remember with me ~ since we were going to be in Kelowna. The day before we were going to leave ended up being taken up with unexpected activities & i kept looking at the clock wondering when we were going to go... The whole day passed & we were leaving in the morning. i set the little alarm by the bed for 6am, sure that i'd just go by myself. The thought of it was just too sad tho & i couldn't help but cry. Neil woke up & asked me what was wrong & i said 'i really want you to come with me tomorrow' ~ Suddenly he remembered *why* it mattered to me so much & he just held me & said he didn't care what time we got home, we'd make the time to go... So, the next day, we took Cai & Sloanie & went. It was a beautiful day for a hike. Along the way, i picked 2 little blue wildflowers & i dropped them in the lake & remembered those 2 little babies. We didn't need to say anything. He told me i'm a good mom ~ sometimes i wonder if somehow i could have been a better mom, i could have saved those babies.