i had my second doctors appointment today (a little early 'cause Neil & i will be out of town next week for a bit). The littles all came with me 'cause Neil was in Red Deer today & they all wanted to hear the heartbeat. The waiting room was so crowded & it was a big wait & this older lady came up behind me & said, "those are some of the best behaved children i've ever seen. You are to be commended because you are obviously doing a very good job." i felt like crying! It was so nice to be encouraged like that. What a sweet lady.
So, the littles did get to hear that beautiful beating heart. It was around 143-151 ~ so not low, but not as high as some of my girls :) (here i am wondering about old wives tales... will we have a little boy or a little girl come February?? Ever heard of a more win win situation???) i think the only person who really has a distinct opinion on the baby's gender is Charter. He's dying for a brother. Peyton's hoping for a boy, for Charter's sake, but i *know know know* as soon as that little sibling is in their arms, pink or blue won't matter one speck & we'll all be in love.
Gotta go. 's bed time.

Oh my!! i am the most proudest mommy in the whole world today! My 3 big girls competed in a triathlon on Saturday (kids of steel). It was amazing to watch them "train" over the past few months & then compete. My 7yo came in first place out of 24? girls in her age category! Sloanie & Cai both did amazingly well too, & came in 4th & 7th in their age categories. They didn't seem too bagged after (even considering they were up at 5:45 to get there in time for the registration & body marking etc....) i was on the verge of tears all day watching them swim, bike & run with amazing attitudes. There was not one word of complaint & after it was over they each *thanked* me profusely for putting them in the event. Sloanie said it was the "most fun thing she'd ever done". The most challenging thing *for sure* was that they hadn't trained in a lake ~ they had trained in a pool & open water is just so different. Especially for Cai as her distance was longer.
My friend Melissa did a "count your blessings" post on her blog... i thought, what a good idea, so here goes (her blog is musings of the heart)... i don't have much time, so i'm gonna have to make my blessings brief ~
1.) a loving Father in heaven who i know will do what is Good & right.
2.) my husband ~ who loves me and my quirks.
3.) children who grow me, and push me closer to #'s 1&2 on this list ~ & who sometimes make me so proud:)
4.) that heaven is a real place ~ & i get to go there & be with the ones i love when this life is over.
5.) that this little baby growing in me has given me so much joy ~ starting to feel little thumps and kicks ~ so amazing God's handiwork.
6.) this house that holds us & shelters us.
7.) a vehicle to drive.
8.) food to eat & an enjoyment of cooking & feeding a family.
9.) that Neil is home so much more with this job.
10.) the opportunity to homeschool & be with my children & teach them. (How fun is it that they're getting to an age where we can play music together? This week, we had a little trio with Cai on mandolin, Sloanie on fiddle & me on piano :) It's getting to be so fun!
Neil's begging me to get off the computer. He's hosting a wrestling match between Molls & Charter & all i can hear is him laughing & laughing at how feisty Molls is. i think she managed to impress her dad.

16 weeks.
i'm 16 weeks pregnant today.
i wonder what at 16 weeks made Caleb die?

i'm realizing lately that i have a skewed view of God & i'm wondering how i can get it right...
a few years ago, i had a dream that God spoke to me & said "Paige, do you know me?" & then even before i could answer, "Do you want to know me?"
i know i wrote on here before that i feel like God may or may not hit me with a baseball bat, but He's saying, "Don't flinch". There's something in seeing God like that that seems unkind, or lacking in compassion ~ both of those things i know are not true of Him.
i feel like i can either dig in where it hurts & try to know Him more ~ or i can give a pat answer & gloss over the things that don't make sense to me. My sister says maybe we're trying to humanize God too much ~ that we're trying to make *human* sense out of Someone who is so much more than human.
i feel like where i'm at now, is a continuation of that dream of a conversation with God. There's so much i don't know & don't understand about Him, but yes, yes, yes... i want to know Him.
My mom has always said, "Without truth, there can be no relationship" ~ How can i avoid seeking truth, if my goal is to have relationship?

It's Neil's 30th birthday today... i feel so bad 'cause he's away on a business trip & i haven't been able to get ahold of him to even say, 'happy birthday'.
Neil's such a good man. i've often felt that because *he* 'gets' me, it doesn't hurt so bad when other people don't. He always gives good advice & challenges me to think harder. He has such a soft heart for the handicapped and the elderly. He has a way about him, that makes him comfortable to be around. He acknowledges when he makes a bad choice & doesn't make excuses for himeself ~ instead, he's hard on himself & his honesty is refreshing & comforting. He's always had an amazing work ethic & has worked so hard to support a family since we were married when he was only 18. Helping me out around the house has never been 'beneath' him. He's always been willing to carry more than his share of the weight. (Except in golf season ~ Ha!!) Neil makes things fun for me & the littles ~ he always plans little adventures for us & keeps the time between our visits to family short.
i feel so lucky to be married to this man.
He seems to know intuitively when one of our little ones needs more of him ~ & in the past year & a half has made every effort to carve out more & more time for his growing brood :) i love the way he fathers his children.
i think Neil's changed a lot in the past several years. i love seeing teeny greys come & go just at his temples & knowing that when he's all grey, he'll still be mine:) i can't wait to see what these next years will bring.

i'm starting a new book, it's called _Hold On to Your Kids_ by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate. i've heard so many people say positive things about it & certainly i agree with what i've read so far. They talk about how children tend to be more attached to their peers than their parents nowadays & the negative effect that's having on them... On the back cover of the book, one sentence struck me, "Children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated, and being "cool" matters more to them than anything else."
That's exactly the arguments that i've heard from most christian parents who are against homeschooling: That our children will end up being "weird" (non conformist, uncool etc..). i never have the courage to challenge these challengers by asking them what the (eternal) benefit is for your child to be "normal" or "cool" or to "fit in". Rather, i want my children to be willing to ask the tough questions, to "not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is ~ His good, pleasing and perfect will." (rom. 12:2) i want my children to be non-conformist, sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and connected to me as their momma & if necessary, completely un-cool. haha!

So i haven't posted in a while. We were gone for a month to Sask & then to Victoria & now we're home & i am so glad to be home...
i guess i've been a little quiet 'cause i've been holding my breath... we're expecting another little baby. i was talking to Neil tonight about how much i hate it when the littles say "i can't help it" (like if i say "stop whining") & sometimes i wonder if God feels like that with me... He's told me not to worry, but i keep whining, 'i can't help it'. i feel like He's saying "I may or may not hit you with this baseball bat, but don't flinch..." i know, He's not like that, but i guess i'm still on a pretty steep learning curve. When i found out about babe, i felt a lot like i did with Sloanie (first baby after losing Caleb) ~ i felt like, i know there's a baby growing in there, but i'm not gonna fall in love ~ but from the first knowledge of that little one, there is love, & there is an attachment & there is a longing & a desire to protect.
I went to the doctor for the first time on Monday & i already had tears in my eyes as she took out the doppler. Neil hadn't been to the doctor with me in years, but he came to be supportive. i had visions of her searching for the heartbeat & not finding one, but the instant she turned on the machine, that little heartbeat sang out like the sweetest music. She said, "that was easy" & smiled at me. i just barely held it together till i got out of there & Neil just held me wondering why i was crying now... Oh the relief & the comfort from that little sound...
baby due january 31st or so...