sleepy

i know i have posted in the past about chew-man's sleep.
Charter - maybe you will read this years, decades in the future & not even remember this...
But - it has been a part of your little persona since you were around 2.
The first few times, we thought, 'oh, maybe he has those 'night terrors' that a lot of our friends with sons have talked about...'
But they kept coming - these 'sleep disturbances'... thick & fast - till 9 out of 10 nights had some type of sleep disturbance.
We wondered at age 2 if it was caused by potty training,
at age 3, if it was related to childhood asthma,
at age 4 if it was caused by evening activities,
at age 5 if it was caused by a scary show on tv,
at age 6 a computer game,
at age 7 we tried scripture,
At age 8 we moved you downstairs because try as we might - we couldn't get you to sleep through the night (even though you always thought you did...) & we needed some sleep too.
You have crab-walked in your sleep, picked shadows out of the air & eaten them, walked & talked, thrashed around & fought, screamed & thumped walls... & those are just a few of the things we have seen...
Everything online suggested that you would 'outgrow' this... but as the years have worn on - your body doggedly holds it's pattern of waking around midnight, while your mind slumbers.
Finally - when you unbolted the back door & went outside...
i decided to take you to see a doctor.
She says yeah, it's not terribly common - but that she has seen this before.
We've got a couple more things to add to our 'to try' list...
& i'm hoping that one day soon...
You'll get the rest you need.

They're starting to grow on him...

i walked into my room last night & Neil was lying in bed.

Gagey was lying on top of him with his legs tucked under his body & his tiny bum in the air.

"Why are you two bff's?" i asked.

"Why shouldn't we be?" Neil countered, tickling the platinum hairs at the back of Gage's head.

Oh, i dunno - maybe it's the way he'll come really close - like nose to nose with Ephraim & then say, "You smell funny." Even when he doesn't.

Or the way he greets them in the morning, "Thanks for the TERRIBLE sleep last night."

But eventually, with each tiny baby we have added to our family...

something slowly happens to my husband....

& maybe it's 'cause Gagey's all potty trained - & can speak clearly enough to be understood...

Maybe it's some kind of physiological addiction from Gagey sneaking in & snuggling with Neil in the night, dampening his pillow with little boy sweat & breathing his baby breath in his daddy's face.

Maybe the advantage that i have as a mother in growing a tiny one inside expires - after the initial neediness of those first dozens of months... - & at that point... our little ones suddenly belong to him.

Me? i'm in love from the word 'go'... i'm crying & imagining from the moment i see a faint pink line on a pregnancy test...

Him? He's slower - his love is plodding & steady & strong.

& so i greedily hog all the baby time i can. The time that is mine - when they need me in the night, or wordlessly babble as they reach & grasp for my fingers & dangling hair. i relish the diaper changes & the hours carefully lulling a little one to dream land.

& it's ok - that he doesn't change diapers - or rouse in the night. Because his love is still there...

Yes - he loves the little babies... but his daddy's heart is awakened to new levels - in toddlerhood & beyond.

& i know this because i can see with my own eyes -

when they start to grow on him.

more brokenness *edited*

It was late afternoon.
Really - pretty much supper time...
But i had been cooped up all day & the warm days have been so few & far between - & so - since Neil wasn't going to be home any time soon, i pretended... that it was only late afternoon.
It was a rash decision.
i was in the middle of folding laundry - & i left it there - half folded.
i ran downstairs and ignored the dozens of tiny chores that vied for my attention & scooped up my baby in my arms.
i snatched a bunch of bananas & a bag of granola bars & 2 pieces of stale bread.
i shouted for the littlest ones to meet me in the front & we set off for the pond.
The 3 bigs were finishing up some school work, & so it was just me & my 4 youngest ones.
The bread was to lure the ducks closer.
But Gagey was much more interested in finding rocks to throw in the water. Maybe that's why the ducks wouldn't come.
Ephraim tried to eat leaves off the ground & Mollen & Charter leaped from rock to rock exploring, laughing & shouting...
i don't know how long it lasted.
Not long enough...
& my cell phone rang.
It was Cairo, they had gone rollerblading & Peyton had fallen - her wrist looks pretty bad.
As quickly as i could, i gathered my little chickies & headed for home.
i knew with a sinking feeling in my gut as soon as i saw it - that we needed to get her in to emergency.
And so - hours spent, x-rays completed, a doctor's decision to send her to the children's hospital to have it reset, a tired mama bringing the baby home & letting daddy transport our girl for what we know will be a painful procedure...
It's 11:49pm - My girl isn't home yet.
i'm tired of broken bones - of pain & hospitals.
i'm grateful for tag team parenting - & little ones who are active enough to get hurt...
So ends Cai's 14th birthday...
i'm hoping that's the end of our bone breaking streak of 2010...
*******************************************
*edited to add*
They got home at 3:30am. They sedated her pretty heavily to set the bone. Neil said the doctor gave it a big yank & heard a *crack*. Afterwards, they casted it & gave her another x-ray to make sure it's going to heal properly.
It's the end of a 10 year streak for Peyton. The meds they gave her made her throw up. Two firsts for my girl: first broken bone, first puke.
Poor darling.
As she was coming back around, Neil said she was searching for him with her eyes saying, "i need you daddy, i need you... i wanted *you* to come with me." (& she did, too. She had asked me when we were at the emergency if daddy could please take her to the hospital). & then after a pause, "Daddy, why are there 2 of you?" & then back to sleep.
i love that Peyton wanted her daddy. When i had called Neil to tell him, he said, "Yeah, well... you know me, mr. compassion."
& he's not....
compassionate...
But that little 10 year old girl - knew deep in the folds of her brain - the loving protectiveness that her daddy has for her. All she wanted was the comfort of his presence.
Beautiful.

birthday tomorrows

i don't think i wrote about Sloanie's birthday this year.
She turned 12 back in July - while we were in California. Her gam gave her money to go shopping & she bought herself a pretty little dress - but didn't have enough left over for the funky hat she wanted to go with, so i pitched in the last couple of bucks & she got it.
But even back then - she had already bought & stashed a little present for Cai's birthday. She has kept her secret hidden all these weeks and months - waiting for the day that will finally come -
tomorrow.
& it strikes me that no birthday gift i could get my girls could compare to the gift their daddy & i gave them when we gave them each other.
Constant companions, fiercely loyal friends who have your back, & who will whisper and giggle with you in the dark - trading back tickles for glasses of water.
It's 9:14pm - & i'm waiting to hear her soft padding up the stairs after she finishes "chatting" with her sisters in their room downstairs...
The little boys are snoozing in their little blue room - Charter will be tossing & turning in his bunk, Mollen will be sprawled across their bed - dead to the world. My skinny 13 year old girl is gonna push Moll's dead weight limbs aside & climb into that bed... & be gone by the time the first puddles of light drip through our windows in the morning.
i need to say goodbye -
so i'm ready to say, 'hello' -
tomorrow.

i'm an interrupter.

i'm a horrible conversationalist.
i interrupt constantly, talk over people - loudly - & i use my hands a lot.
It's because i get excited when i get talking.
Sometimes - if i really agree with you - i'll interrupt you to shout, "YES, YES!!"
When Neil & i are visiting in bed at night, if he's facing away from me, i'll leap over his body so that i can talk into his face.
& in my heart - i sometimes realize that my exuberance could be perceived as... *rude* -
but my friends...
know that when i interrupt you, it's only 'cause if i don't - i won't remember what i was going to say & when there is a lull that i'm supposed to fill - i'll just stare at you blankly with my eyes glazed over - trying for the life of me to remember the english language well enough to come up with more than a grunt.
and...
If i interrupt you - it means i think you're interesting, & i like you - i wanna do a mad dance of communication & exchange words at a quick pace - like an expert fencing match.
All the same - i'm trying to improve in this annoying little habit.
& i'll try my best to remember this post the next time one of my littles...
interrupts me.