On Bein' a Mama

i mentioned in my last post about G having the flu while we were gone.
One day, he just refused all foods. i thought he was maybe acting funny because we were in a new place and daddy was gone - but that night, he started throwing up.
The only thing he would take in was my milk... not even a sip of water.
Over the next couple of days, my milk supply - which isn't huge at this point, over a year in - built quickly back up as he was up several times in the night to nurse & it was the only thing he would take in in the day.
i noticed how quickly his little face seemed to slim down the little rolls on his legs seemed a little smaller to me. He's a really chunky guy (he was over 27lbs when i weighed him at 1year) so, he's not skinny by any stretch of the imagination - but my mama heart went out to my little one who, usually so content, writhed in my arms - inconsolable - at night.
And so, as most mama's know - my heart worked on my body - and emotions ganged up with hormones, worry with need - and soon all i had to do was look at my darling boy & my milk would let down with a bang, soaking my shirt. In my desire and need to *do something* - my body *did* what it could - whether it was needed or not.
It's a funny story - but it's where my sister has been living for the past month - & it's not funny anymore.
Sadie, Jessie's sweet 27lb 3 year old darling - has been drinking over 6 litres of water a day - and peeing out the equivalent. It has been decided by the medical professionals, that this is not an emergency & they'll see her in a week.
It's amazing how i feel like i can relate to Jessie's craving for action - her need to "do" for her little girl... Her heart working on her body - emotions ganging up with hormones, worry with need - she's getting raging headaches, and her body hurts.
i remember when i had my first, someone commenting to me that motherhood was like, 'letting your heart walk around outside your body' - & it's true.
Your mama bear instinct is so strong - you would fight to the death - or lay down & die for your little ones - & yet so much is out of your hands.
God - turn our eyes to You -
Our little ones are in your capable hands -
Give us the peace that passes all understanding
'Cause You are trustworthy.

"As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust God with the impossible."
-Ruth Bell Graham

Creature Comforts

While at my inlaws, Gagey got a nasty stomach flu. When Neil took the bigger 4 skiing for a day, i stayed home with Molls & Gage. Mollen ended up having quite the morning. It's her birthday soon, so my mother-in-law took her shopping & bought her a few goodies. When they came home, i had decided to give Gagey a little bath just to freshen him up. My mil suggested that i put the 2 littles in her gorgeous soaker tub and so we ran them a little bubble bath.
Mollen hummed happily, "Toys please!"
My mil dumped a little basket of toys in the tub, & then asked me, "Would you like a drink or something?"
Molls replied without a pause, "Yes, latte please!"
With a smirk on her face, my mil went to get us some tea.
Mollen reclined back into the bubbles, closed her eyes, crossed her little legs & said, "This is the life."

Same Planet, Different Universe

i've been at my inlaws this week. They're awesome. i love getting the chance to see them loving my little ones - & yet - it's so funny how they're not *mine*... How suddenly i'll say something & i'll realise that the words i spoke are so foreign that it's almost like another language. i know that it's the same for them...
Family is such a precious thing that i would never want to take for granted. It's a relationship that is worth all the effort that we pour in.
They have been so gracious with me - choosing to try to understand - when instead they could have fought to be understood.
Neil has taught me many valuable lessons, like pretending you didn't hear something that you could have fought over - but instead, choosing to sift. Makes me wonder about all those times he says to me, 'what? oh, i didn't hear you...' hehe...
My own sisters seem to often know what i'm about to say before i say it. i've needed them both at different times to help me put thoughts into words... they see the good in me when i'm sure that it's not there & they make allowances for me because they know where i'm weak.
i was talking with my mother in law about marriage - how it can be such a beautiful, beautiful thing - the give and the take - the support given and needed - the love and tenderness required to keep it alive.
Extended family almost has the same needs. Sometimes it's giving support without your opinion, love without expectations, or tenderness without frustration.
's what i'm thinking about on this quiet Saturday afternoon.

What am i made of?

i wonder that too often.
i know - it has been the subject of many of my blog entries.
My sister Stephanie & i were talking about it one day - how you don't... can't... really know - until the defining moment that makes clear the kind of a person that you have allowed yourself to become.
i feel like this life is my study hour - God has given me some incredible resources - besides the bible, my friends, my family... He's given me the Holy Spirit.
When i hear stories of martyrs - the persecuted church, stories of love so overwhelming and humbling... People making difficult - impossible - choices in the name of Love. i pray that should God have me walk through the furnace, that the Holy Spirit will give me what i lack so that the question isn't: what am i made of? But is instead: What can God make of me?
i get so wrapped up in my failings that i forget that they don't negate God's truth. The reality of God's love and sacrifice doesn't depend on me getting all the answers right.
i find myself longing to be in a place of complete surrender. Where my will becomes His will. Where my instincts are His. Where His Truth lives in me.
What can you make me, God?

Our Father - by Mollen

Our Father, who aren't in heaven
low be my name.
The kingdom come,
my will be done - on earf as it is in heaven.
Give us dis day, our daily bread.
As we forgive those who trespass against us and forgive us this trespasses and trespass against us.
Lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom forever and ever.
Amen.