"Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
It was as i was looking forward to Christmas that i realized that my heart felt lighter. It felt like i was finally released from the sickness of grief and sorrow. i felt happy and hopeful. Despite horrendous morning sickness, i was excited to go spend Christmas with my in-laws. New Years came - and the lightness didn't go away - or rather... my sorrow didn't return - and i felt like i had finally - after a year - gained enough distance to appreciate a little bit of perspective.
Healing can come so slow sometimes.
i was talking to a friend one day who drew the comparison of Lot's wife - who became a pillar of salt when she couldn't stop looking back at the complete destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. She said, she thought maybe we can be a little bit like that when we allow our eyes to become transfixed by the devastation in our past - sometimes we need to look ahead a little bit and press on, putting one foot in front of the other until we're out of the thick of it lest we become completely immobilized by the chaos we're leaving behind.
Maybe i've been a little salty this year...
So i was thinking about blogging forward.
And i realized that one of the things that i lost this past year was a tiny bit of my willingness to make myself vulnerable. What if someone uses my vulnerability against me? What if my weakness are wielded like a weapon? What if my struggles are lauded as failures and my intentions questioned and ridiculed. What if everyone around me changes - and i find myself alone and unloved?
Yeah? What then?
The reality is: i will fail. i'm human and vulnerable but if i ever want to be used - i'm going to have to be authentic... and that will always leave room for the scorn of others.
But the reality is also this: this blog has never - ever - been about the infallibility of Paige. It has always and only been about the Goodness of God.
That won't change.
And so i'll blog - if He asks me to... and i'll blog oftener - if i ever get my computer fixed.
And maybe i'll learn one day to understand the destruction in my past without letting it immobilize me - or define me - or limit what i can or cannot do.
Because, "our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like [His]."
And do i ever want to be like Him.