more than that...

i was laying in bed, snuggling ephraim, when suddenly the little one inside gave a firm 'thump'.
It's weird how his little movements just stretch my heart and soul to welcome him in - deeper and deeper every day it seems. And then i realized that i'm almost 22 weeks into this pregnancy and i want to write about it. i want to write about being big enough for maternity, but small enough that i can still squeeze into some half normal stuff too.

me at 20 weeks

i want to write about feeling so amazingly done with nausea - but so tired i could fall asleep on my feet... i want to write about loving being pregnant - feeling content in this mid-pregnancy stage - knowing it will get harder, and appreciating the way that motherhood grows on our very person in the most exquisite state of expectation.

More than that...

i want to write about agonizing about his name... waking up in the middle of the night - reading and re-reading meanings, possible nicknames, and different individuals reactions to having owned the name i'm contemplating for my tiny son. (i remember reading an article while pregnant with Ephraim called, "What the eph?!" - Apparently he wasn't a fan of the name his mama chose for him...) And while i struggle with the possibility that this little one will one day look at me with exasperation and ask, 'What were you thinking when you named me, mama?' - i guess in the end, we'll give him a name that resonates with us - and hope that he will end up living up to it - and that he will end up loving it because we gave it to him... and if i have to explain myself... i guess i will.

More than that....

i want to write about feeling grateful - the words taste like a werthers candy in my mouth every time i say, "Can you go put that in the baby's room?" 
The baby's room...

i wonder what i'll need - since it has been three years since we had a tiny baby - and with our fourth son, i know that some of the ratty things will have to go and i'll want to buy some fresh treasures for my fresh newborn... But at this stage - this 'in between stage' where there are still months to go - even though there are months already gone - i know it's still too soon, so i bide my time - feeling him thump and kick and grow stronger and bigger inside. i name and rename him, feeling like he's still half a stranger - but knowing that i would die for the tiny stranger making his home in my body. i think, i contemplate, i treasure these moments in my heart - knowing how fleeting these 18 weeks are between now and my due date. 

And i guess there's nothing more to say... than that.