gone

Neil travels.
What? i've mentioned that before?
oh.
Well, it's on my mind today. After a nice little break in and around Christmas time, the bulk of January has been spent on the road. And it's funny, but i was noticing the other day that wow - is there ever a HUGE variance in how i react to his absences.
Sometimes, it's great - i plug in, i get lots done, i'm absorbed in my work and the joy of this sweet little life we've carved out - and the week flies by... But other times... like this week - his leaving hits like a sucker punch and i spend the whole week winded on the floor...
Maybe it had something to do with him leaving before the birds had awakened on a Saturday morning... i hate when he's gone all weekend... i miss our coffee on the couch waiting for his parent's predictable Saturday morning phone call... i miss being with him when it seems like every other family is together - the comfort of his shoulder beside mine in church, his teasing nature with our little boys who need their daddy...
Or maybe it was just time for a sucker punch...
Regardless, i want to tell you something really neat.
We don't all have husbands that travel... But all of us who are married? We're involved in some really sanctifying work... Whether i'm plugged in, chugging along, booking his dentist appointment for the 12 hour slot that he'll be home or whether i'm reeling from his absence catching sobs in my throat as i check my email for the 40th time in the past 12 hours - hoping for an update - i'm in this beautiful thing that has the capacity to purify me if i let it.

i replay in my mind again and again those five kisses he sprinkled on me as i rubbed the sleep from my eyes and whispered, 'goodbye'... i pray for him... every morning with all those little blond heads bowed all around me - that God would grant him favour with his bosses and customers, that he would be protected in all he does, and that his heart - wherever it is - would be turned to ours as ours are turned also to his...
i had a dream last night - that i was having a conversation with Jesus... but that throughout the conversation i kept on turning away, looking towards the door, waiting for Neil to arrive...
Finally, i realized that this nail biting anxiety was doing nothing but distracting me from the beauty of my present company...
And it was just one flash of a night of bizarre dreams that wouldn't leave me alone until my eyes opened groggily to face another day... but the thought sticks with me even now...
Yeh... i love him... and maybe i even i miss him more than i should...
But maybe too, i needed the reminder to fix my eyes on my present company - and enjoy the sweetness of these moments with the ones i love - even though i'd sure give a lot to be able to be with their daddy.
Marriage is sometimes watered by faithfulness, by loving in absence, by trusting in silence, by *being* without acknowledgement. Marriage isn't always about protection (though - beautifully, it has been that too...) but it's sometimes about sharpening, preparing, making ready and growth.
And i'm grateful that all this can happen... even when he's gone.