Thursday, May 24, 2012

Choosing Joy

Sometimes i make little month long goals for myself. 
i find it helps me to make or break habits & i feel satisfied knowing i'm working on one little tic & hopefully after a month - i'll have changed some thought patterns, decreased the power of a bad habit or formed a slightly better one.
& a month is such a kind task master... i don't feel a crushing failure if i pick up my bad habit again, or fail to follow through on a goal for the rest of my life... but hopefully - in month long minuscule chunks, i'll make changes that will bring me closer to where i want to go. 
A couple of months ago - i made myself a goal like that.  i decided that for one month, i was going to lay down some really specific things that i was stewing about.  They were things that i could point to & name & say, "This.  This thing is causing me pain..."  They were things that i had already brought to my Father - & they were all things that were beyond my control.  Day after day - i had grown in the habit of picking up these things - and rolling them discontentedly around in my head & heart.  i'd sit in sadness & wish them different... i'd pray about them & surrender them to my Father again & again... i'd stew, talk to Neil, & really... honestly... obsess over them - feeling like unless they could be resolved, i could go no further. 
i called it my month of choosing joy.  i was going to stop the constant dwelling.  My prayers would all be, 'YOU know, Father...' & leaving it there.  i'd wear my smile - & i decided even if it was false... i'd try it for a month. For one month, i'd let joy win.  i had always been grateful - & there is so much love in this house & so i figured a little redirection - one month - couldn't hurt. 
i could never have anticipated what happened...
The next day was easy. 
i thought maybe it was just the distraction of a fun outing i'd had.  i laughed and i cried... i spent time praying - but not dwelling... & it was good. 
Day after day after day passed.  Thoughts came - but flitted out quickly.  i smiled to myself... As a woman - i know that a month is a very significant time frame - our calendars are wired right into our bodies & i figured, "Ah, it's gonna hit me - that shift - & i'm going to crash... there's no way that i can continue to sail through like this..."
But i did. 
The weeks flew - & at the end of it i smiled to my Father, "What's up with that?  Why no struggle?  Why was i released, the cloud lifted... right when i was prepared to take every thought captive, work hard, & choose joy - why does it feel like instead, joy was chosen for me?" 
& it wasn't perfect. 
A couple days after i was finished, i snapped at Neil & he turned to me with those bewildering, smirking hazel eyes & asked, "um... aren't you 'choosing joy' babe?"
& i laughed sarcastically, "That was for a month & i'm all done now!" 
hehe. 
& y'know... not one of those frustrating situations changed? 
But i'm praying...
that by God's grace...
that maybe i can.

4 comments:

Lisa said...

As you know, i'm on my own joy challenge, and I can't even tell you the work God has done in my heart just from me choosing to see His blessings instead of my hardships. Honestly, its been nothing short of a miracle.

Carol said...

Have you read the book "1000 Gifts" by Anne Voscamp? Her book has become very popular and I think you would really relate to her, as she homeschools her family of 6 children. The theme of this book is about being thankful and finding joy in everyday life. She lives quite close to me here in SW Ontario.

Marcy Payne said...

Good for you girl!! I know it was God giving you that grace. Isn't he good? Joy is so much better...so I'm totally going to apologise to my husband when he gets home b/c he got a whole lot of flack he didn't deserve today. Thanks for this.

Marcy Payne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

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