rant

i was feeling kind of empty. 
i'm not one of those strong, courageous women who hears God speak aloud & in grace & maturity obeys. 
i can get kind of sulky & selfish. 
i was pondering - (not really pondering... i was allowing my feet to be soaked & sucked into the muck and the mire as i sulked) - i was doing the math this way & that - how many days here so far this year versus how many days away.  How many day trips, how many hours in the office, how many conversations cut off by that phone... Making a nice little crease in my brow. 

But - then for just a moment, i closed my eyes & prayed for a friend. 

It was just a moment... but honestly when i opened that door a crack, my Father put His foot in it. 
"Hey, daughter... remember what Shirley said?"
Shirley told me that she had a goal for her life  Her goal was was that when others look at her, they won't even SEE Shirley.  The goal for her is that when they look at her... all they'll see is Jesus. 
i thought for a minute... 'but one little rant, Father.  Doesn't make me a bad person.'
& no.  It doesn't. 
But do i really need to indulge every little whim and emotion? 
Do i? 
i started to wrestle.  Just a little bit.  My feet were still wet in the mire, but i was trying to pull them out.  My attitude shifted... lifted...
Could i want something better than the acknowledgement of my own hardship?
Was there something better available? 
& then i opened up a message on facebook. 
It was from the wife of another travelling man. 
"thought i would share with you what i am being reminded of again."
& already i started to cry... 'cause don't we all long for someone to come along side? 
:"forming habits to express what God's grace has done in me"
...the one thing that keeps my conscience sensitive to Him is the continual habit of being open to God on the inside...regardless of my circumstance, difficulties or hardships...."be stamped with God's nature and His blessing will come through you all the time".....the habit of good conscience, the habit of enjoying the disagreeable, the habit of rising to the occasion.....paying attention to my Source, and out of my life will flow rivers of living water...currents with strength and power yet the still waters that bring rest and peace, gracefully touching the shorelines and unconsciously being effective....

The last line echoed and resounded in my mind. 
Maybe the image of the living water is what did it, but i found myself voluntarily pulling up my dripping wet shoes from that muck that i felt so entitled to standing in, and taking a step back. 

Oh Father!!  Strip away all that is paige - & fill me with you... so that the living water that flows from me will 'gracefully touch the shorelines and unconsciously be effective'.  Give me the reflexes to 'give it to Papa' - & the grace to form the habits that will bring You glory.