Tuesday, October 16, 2007

i'll be 25 weeks tomorrow.
i really really feel some days like i truly *can't* wait.
i remember my first pregnancy with little Cai & how oblivious i was ~ how i felt sort of invincible & i wish so much that i could go back there. The bonus for being here though is *gratitude* & i am feeling great ~ & i do really love being 'with child' ~ but that feeling of invincibility is gone. i feel powerless ~ & daily i have to put this little one's life in the Father's hands... & sometimes i feel so vulnerable. This baby is so sweet ~ but some days, all the little kicks & jabs that go on for hours on end will cease completely & babe will siesta for 48 hours & drive mama nuts.
i do feel "placed" here. & like i need these days to grow this baby ~ to grow my faith ~ to surrender my desire to be in control of life & death ~ to be broken ~ to anticipate life.
Neil has this funny thing about inductions. He thinks they're horrible & that babies should come when they're ready. i think he's funny to have a preference when he's the daddy & he's not carrying little one ~ but there's a part of me that thinks he's right... That each one of these days spent waiting & being faithful to the task at hand ~ was ordained by the Father's hand & He sees what He's creating & each day has purpose & holds lessons to be learned...
Father, help me be faithful as my body holds this little life. Give me what i need to grow this little one & to become the woman you want me to be.
Blessed be Your name ~ in the land that is plentiful ~

1 comment:

mamazee said...

hey paige!
i haven't been checking your blog lately.. didn't know you were posting a lot :)
i totally kwym about not feeling invincible... i still have faith that God is inextricably caught up in my little drama, and that HE will give me what i need, but i no longer have the "everything will always be perfect, everything is fine" feeling. I'm not worried about baby, but i'm just aware now that even if God loves you, you can still suffer loss... i love the RC thing of "offering it up' to Him as an offering. Take what is broken, and give it to Him a gift... take a broken heart and give Him faith...


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