i can hardly believe i deserve that title, but awhile ago - someone nominated my blog for circle of mom's, "Best Moms of Teens Blog". Sojourners somehow landed in the top 25 and so they let me do a little interview for their site. i can totally remember the week i was having when i composed those responses. *smile*.
If you're interested in checking it out, you can find it HERE. Lemme know what you think.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
digging for treasures
i was looking for something in my blog drafts the other day and i realized that i have half-written about a billion blogs that i never bothered to flesh out and publish. i wrote about Elmer's funeral, a Tough Topic post, some travelling husband thoughts and a mama moment.
It's like when a good friend comes over. Little ones are running around, and suddenly needing me more than they have for the past month. i'm being peppered with questions and my permission is required and tiny one needs me to wipe his bum -
And i find that my friend and i hardly got to finish a single thread of conversation - instead it was all tiny bits and pieces - baubles and buttons that are hardly coherent in the state we got to pass them in...
But sometimes... later in the day, before they've faded from my memory, i pull them out and examine them. i piece them together and learn something new. i remember what i was saying when she tried to tell me that story and it all suddenly makes sense now that i get the context.
"Ahh," i choke out - overcome as i realize the richness that comes from buttons and baubles that have the capacity to become treasures...
That's what some of these little drafts are like - tiny baubles and buttons - preserved in a raw way. Incomplete sentences that only half express the idea i was trying to capture. Every so often, one of them becomes a treasure - but really - it's so incomplete, so hit and miss, so one dimensional. It would hardly be worth it - unless you had some enjoyment even for the colours and shapes of the buttons and baubles that are more frequently produced.
And i do.
And i find that my friend and i hardly got to finish a single thread of conversation - instead it was all tiny bits and pieces - baubles and buttons that are hardly coherent in the state we got to pass them in...
But sometimes... later in the day, before they've faded from my memory, i pull them out and examine them. i piece them together and learn something new. i remember what i was saying when she tried to tell me that story and it all suddenly makes sense now that i get the context.
"Ahh," i choke out - overcome as i realize the richness that comes from buttons and baubles that have the capacity to become treasures...
That's what some of these little drafts are like - tiny baubles and buttons - preserved in a raw way. Incomplete sentences that only half express the idea i was trying to capture. Every so often, one of them becomes a treasure - but really - it's so incomplete, so hit and miss, so one dimensional. It would hardly be worth it - unless you had some enjoyment even for the colours and shapes of the buttons and baubles that are more frequently produced.
And i do.
*self portrait series by ephraim - a selection of 3 of the 127 pictures i found on my iphone.
Friday, July 27, 2012
seven quick takes
1. Sometimes we go to Costco. Usually it's just the two of us - on a hot date to buy lettuce in bulk. He never eats samples. Ever.
And to me, it's strange 'cause i love eating a piece of granola bar followed by a hunk of meat on a cracker with a pomegranate juice chaser. One day i noticed him with an odd smirk on his face - watching a free sample table.
"What's so funny?" i asked.
"Look at them... Everyone is the same. They skulk around, peering nervously around themselves. They circle past... then look back trying to be discreet. They all have a goofy excited look on their face as they furtively grab the sample and run away as if they've stolen something."
"They do?"
"Yeah. They do."
So i went to the booth and asked loudly, "Can i have one for my husband over there too? He's too shy to get his own."
:)
Just kidding... but i should'a.
2. i'm panicking about homeschool this week. Just ignore me. It will pass. Every so often, i get organized and i worry about the program i'm planning for each little student and then suddenly like Peter who takes his eyes off Jesus when he's walking on water... i sink. It's a terrifying prospect for me to think of the education of my children... and i know that each one of them will "own" their own accomplishments and failures - but i can't help but taste a little of each win and loss as i watch them grow.
3. In light of my panic, i ran out to Neil's office this week during business hours. i hovered over his desk, vibrating as he finished his phone call and finally looked up at me - all calm and cool, "What's up?"
"Neil!! i need this certain type of bookshelf. i need it right now! i can't do homeschool without it and YOU HAVE TO BUILD IT FOR ME OR OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER GRADUATE!!! THEY WILL LEARN TO HATE US (me) FOR THEIR LACK OF QUALITY EDUCATION AND I CAN'T HANDLE THEIR LOATHING!!!!"
"Uh, yeah... i'm kind of busy right now. Maybe later."
Choking back sobs, "If we all last that long..."
So, yeah... a little over dramatic over here. You might want to avoid me for a few weeks till this blows over.
4. When people are rude or inconsiderate to my kids - i take it waaaaay harder than if it happens to me. i want to teach them to have grace for adults who don't know how to treat children - because i can't control every moron in the world, but i can gently encourage my little ones to turn the other cheek. It's still hard.
5. This little instagram shot made my morning... it makes me want to keep writing - and to get better at it. It is such a kindness that so many friends have read and encouraged me to keep going.
6. Sometimes i wish Ephraim weren't so consistently a morning person. The occasional lapse in routine wouldn't hurt my feelings if it meant i could sleep in a bit... but the fact that he's such a happy little duck in the morning makes those early morning hours with just the 2 of us pass a little sweeter.
7. i woke up this morning surprised and dismayed that my coffee wasn't made for me. (THAT'S how spoiled i am!!) Every morning that Neil's home, he makes a pot of coffee that is already simmering by the time i make it down stairs. July has been a month of having Neil working from home more than away. It has been a little oasis in the desert of "traveling man-dom". (Yes, i'm just making up words now). i have been so grateful to have him around more.
Happy Friday :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
purpose and a plan part 2
i'm breaking this up into two posts in an effort to bring a little clarity to the ideas that are bringing me comfort these days. In part 1, i tried to share how the threshing process fulfills a purpose - and that in His wisdom, He proportions our afflictions to our strength - not making the process heavier than there is need.
In this post - i want to share the niggling thoughts that keep coming to the surface of my mind about how i want to approach seasons of affliction and pain. As i've been seeking and trying to understand my Father, the thing that i feel most called to do - is to continue to serve Him. i know that seems kinda obvious - but i've found that often, in the midst of painful circumstances - circumstances that can even shake my confidence in my own self - my tendency can be to turtle, to try to nurse my own wounds to turn inward and focus on my own pain or insecurity.
And honestly? i'm a bit of a coward... if it's up to me, at the first sign of trouble, i'll be howling, "RETREAT!"
i feel Him drawing my eyes upward.
"Hey, daughter... i'm doing something here. Follow me, serve me... keep your eyes on me and you'll walk on water..."
Because it's not about the self-centered pride that would have me drown in the hurt and pain, the sorrow and grief - of affliction. It's about serving God. And i can serve Him... Even here (no matter where 'here' is).
As i contemplate my tiny fist full of sorrows - (for which i thank God - because He's doing something with them) - i keep thinking of a book i read about a billion years ago, about Madame Guyon - (i think it was her autobiography?). Anyway, i remember being struck with the idea that she had written it while she was in prison... the ideas about God, theology, hope and prayer - were all captured while she was stuck in a cell behind bars.
How easily i despair compared to her!
It's so much bigger than just me! i read somewhere the other day that humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less... i love that.
And i totally know, it's easy for me to write this on a day when i'm feeling victorious. My marriage feels inspired lately, my children bless me by praising Jesus, God has been gently probing and prodding my spirit in real ways to draw me deeper.... It might be much harder for me to read my own words on a different day (my hormones are still vacillating wildly - and my moods are chasing them between despair and happiness, anger and contentment)... but my feelings in reading these words are only evidence of my willingness (or unwillingness) to humble myself and take with gratitude the purpose and plan of the God i serve.
And so i take it all - and i offer all. i wanna wear in my heart the symbol i often wear with my outward flesh when i worship - of hands held out to give all - or take all He gives too.
i want the outer husk that binds me to this world to fall away - leaving only what is useful to bring Him glory.
In this post - i want to share the niggling thoughts that keep coming to the surface of my mind about how i want to approach seasons of affliction and pain. As i've been seeking and trying to understand my Father, the thing that i feel most called to do - is to continue to serve Him. i know that seems kinda obvious - but i've found that often, in the midst of painful circumstances - circumstances that can even shake my confidence in my own self - my tendency can be to turtle, to try to nurse my own wounds to turn inward and focus on my own pain or insecurity.
And honestly? i'm a bit of a coward... if it's up to me, at the first sign of trouble, i'll be howling, "RETREAT!"
i feel Him drawing my eyes upward.
"Hey, daughter... i'm doing something here. Follow me, serve me... keep your eyes on me and you'll walk on water..."
Because it's not about the self-centered pride that would have me drown in the hurt and pain, the sorrow and grief - of affliction. It's about serving God. And i can serve Him... Even here (no matter where 'here' is).
As i contemplate my tiny fist full of sorrows - (for which i thank God - because He's doing something with them) - i keep thinking of a book i read about a billion years ago, about Madame Guyon - (i think it was her autobiography?). Anyway, i remember being struck with the idea that she had written it while she was in prison... the ideas about God, theology, hope and prayer - were all captured while she was stuck in a cell behind bars.
How easily i despair compared to her!
It's so much bigger than just me! i read somewhere the other day that humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself, it means thinking of yourself less... i love that.
And i totally know, it's easy for me to write this on a day when i'm feeling victorious. My marriage feels inspired lately, my children bless me by praising Jesus, God has been gently probing and prodding my spirit in real ways to draw me deeper.... It might be much harder for me to read my own words on a different day (my hormones are still vacillating wildly - and my moods are chasing them between despair and happiness, anger and contentment)... but my feelings in reading these words are only evidence of my willingness (or unwillingness) to humble myself and take with gratitude the purpose and plan of the God i serve.
And so i take it all - and i offer all. i wanna wear in my heart the symbol i often wear with my outward flesh when i worship - of hands held out to give all - or take all He gives too.
i want the outer husk that binds me to this world to fall away - leaving only what is useful to bring Him glory.
Monday, July 23, 2012
purpose and a plan - part 1
i think i've said it a hundred times and in a hundred ways - that this has been a tough year. A lot of it, i've blogged - but there are things i've left out too - some of the intimate details that made this a challenging year for me. Regardless - it's a year that i'll always remember as being a 'tilling' year. My sister and i were both impressed with that image of farmland being tilled - prepared - turned over and worked in preparation... it felt like *that* is what this year would look like for us.
And yet, through it all, i have felt my Father's watchful eye and known His tender presence - and there hasn't been a time where i've doubted that even in this mess - of turned up soil, crumbling lumps of dirt, the deep cutting as the earth is separated, worked and brought to the surface... that He has a purpose and a plan. And so it struck a very tender nerve when my sister sent me a passage from Isaiah the other day - that seemed to speak to my heart that is so ready to hear from my God.
(Keeping in mind, i'm a nobody - just a stay at home mama who loves Jesus who listened to and read a few bible commentaries from a site recommended by her pastor... i'm not a teacher - but i really want to share some of the things that are rolling around in my mind making me excited to know that He has a purpose and a plan.)
The passage my sister sent me was from Isaiah 28 - the last part of the chapter, starting at verse 23:
23 Listen and hear my voice;
pay attention and hear what I say.
24 When a farmer plows for planting, does he plow continually?
Does he keep on breaking up and working the soil?
25 When he has leveled the surface,
does he not sow caraway and scatter cumin?
Does he not plant wheat in its place,[c]
barley in its plot,[d]
and spelt in its field?
26 His God instructs him
and teaches him the right way.
And yet, through it all, i have felt my Father's watchful eye and known His tender presence - and there hasn't been a time where i've doubted that even in this mess - of turned up soil, crumbling lumps of dirt, the deep cutting as the earth is separated, worked and brought to the surface... that He has a purpose and a plan. And so it struck a very tender nerve when my sister sent me a passage from Isaiah the other day - that seemed to speak to my heart that is so ready to hear from my God.
(Keeping in mind, i'm a nobody - just a stay at home mama who loves Jesus who listened to and read a few bible commentaries from a site recommended by her pastor... i'm not a teacher - but i really want to share some of the things that are rolling around in my mind making me excited to know that He has a purpose and a plan.)
The passage my sister sent me was from Isaiah 28 - the last part of the chapter, starting at verse 23:
23 Listen and hear my voice;
pay attention and hear what I say.
24 When a farmer plows for planting, does he plow continually?
Does he keep on breaking up and working the soil?
25 When he has leveled the surface,
does he not sow caraway and scatter cumin?
Does he not plant wheat in its place,[c]
barley in its plot,[d]
and spelt in its field?
26 His God instructs him
and teaches him the right way.
27 Caraway is not threshed with a sledge,
nor is the wheel of a cart rolled over cumin;
caraway is beaten out with a rod,
and cumin with a stick.
28 Grain must be ground to make bread;
so one does not go on threshing it forever.
The wheels of a threshing cart may be rolled over it,
but one does not use horses to grind grain.
29 All this also comes from the Lord Almighty,
whose plan is wonderful,
whose wisdom is magnificent.
nor is the wheel of a cart rolled over cumin;
caraway is beaten out with a rod,
and cumin with a stick.
28 Grain must be ground to make bread;
so one does not go on threshing it forever.
The wheels of a threshing cart may be rolled over it,
but one does not use horses to grind grain.
29 All this also comes from the Lord Almighty,
whose plan is wonderful,
whose wisdom is magnificent.
i read it the first time and kind of paused - 'cause i didn't really know what it meant. i read it a second and a third time, trying to figure it out - reading the bits before and after to try to gain some perspective. Finally, i went and checked out some commentaries (that our pastor says contain only opinions on the meaning of passages in the bible that can be helpful in getting background or a little understanding if we're feeling stumped).
My new understanding is what is lifting my chin - to see a little further into the distance. i'm beginning to see a little beyond the black earth being tilled all around me to see that the earth is tilled for a purpose. There is a season and a method and a goal to what is being accomplished... and the God who is in charge of it all? His plan is *wonderful* and his wisdom is *magnificent*.
There's gonna be a threshing process - and yeh... it's painful - and i'm sitting here - thinking as i read this passage - Oh God! If we're compared to seeds - and some are hard and require heavy threshing before they can be used... and some are softer - and require a gentler approach, so that they don't become ruined in the process... Can i choose to be a soft seed?
Who knows... maybe... maybe i can...
Who knows... maybe... maybe i can...
If not - i still want to go through the process that allows me to be used. If afflictions are God's threshing instruments used to loosen us from the world, then i know that He won't make them any heavier than they need to be to accomplish His purpose. i know my Father loves me, and that He carefully measures out all that has been given to me to enable me to bring Him glory. He's not trying to crush me - He's trying to prepare me! i can trust Him in the threshing process... i can trust Him when i lose my little baby... and all the rest that has been measured out for me from His hand - this or any year.
Because He's good.
And He's kind.
And He's wise.
And He's full of mercy.
And He loves me (and you)... so very, very much.
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