eight

There are so many hurting people in this world.
i could probably just end this post with that stand alone thought, but i want to tell you one more thing.
This morning as we prayed, Sloanie prayed for something i'm sure she's heard me pray for countless times: softness.
"Father, help me to be soft..."
The thought stayed with me as i carried on my day.
Early on this frigid afternoon as my friend and i prayed outside that clinic, another young mama stood on the sidewalk beside us. She had a tiny sign made out of construction paper - and on it was handwritten, "Babies are precious gifts".
She held her rosary while her little sign flapped in the breeze.
i noticed - that she cried when the door opened and closed. Silent and tearful - kept on the other side of the street, longing - she told us - to run across the street, and hold those people in her arms. She felt so deeply - so badly -
so softly...
She laughed apologetically to us when we introduced ourselves, "i'm sorry, i didn't know i would be so deeply affected being here today. It's my first time coming here to pray..."
Oh God... There are so many hurting people in this world. Help me to be soft.

abortion: edmonton, calgary

seven

i broke my little pledge to myself that i would know when my next visit was by the time i arrived home from the current visit.
No matter.
There are no hard and fast rules - just ideas to help myself to stay soft, and follow through on my convictions. & as it turned out - this Monday - i found myself soft and aching already - ready to check the vigil schedule for an empty spot that i could fill.
My friend sent me a message that she could go today - & so she drove to my house, where it was almost like we picked up our littles in a shaker to decide who would come and who would stay.
With her van full of our mixed set - we left the rest at home to nap and play till we were done.
After ten minutes of driving, i realized that i hadn't inhaled yet. My friend's eyes were on the road & she was smiling and 'uh-hun'ing to me... but i had been talking non-stop since we pulled away from my house.
There's a freedom that comes from ceasing to sift words so carefully - knowing they will be sifted for you. What comfort when someone understands your deeper meaning. They don't stumble over badly chosen words or smallish ideas. Good friendships are like that - you learn to sift the wheat from the chaff, and you end up covering much ground as a companionable red van barrels down the deerfoot.
Like-mindedness is such a rarity that it's a delicious treat when it's discovered.
And so we prayed... we ached... we talked... we stood in silence.
For the first time, that parking lot wasn't full - and once again i felt that comforting confirmation that i'm to come... and keep coming - till He tells me to quit.

40 Weeks - is ready!

If you live in Calgary, i'll have copies in less than 2 weeks! My sister will have some in the Edmonton area too. If you live far enough away to require shipping, i decided to just sell through Create Space. Shipping in Canada is just plain bad & they can do it cheaper than i can. (i'm totally open to suggestions though) - i had a friend order a copy from the States & it's considerably cheaper though, so that's nice.
The book itself is gonna be $10.
Thanks for reading...

37 minutes into our homeschool day...

37 minutes in, and i was mediating the 37th squabble of the day.
In frustration, i sighed (one of those big exasperated sighs that parents are so good at - that tells your little ones you're angry)...
"Are mornings hard for you mama?" Sweet one asks...
(Through gritted teeth), "Only on the days when you guys spend them crapping all over each other..."
Yes.
Those are the less than appropriate words that passed my lips.
"Nice visual, mom..."
& it's not.
& i'm not proud of myself.
We read from Psalms.
"May the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be pleasing in Your sight."
i fail, i fall, i repent, i'm forgiven...
restored, redeemed...
Aching periods of *choosing* - in humility - to lay it all down...
again.

and again...x6

& it's ok - to go tired.
it's ok - to run out of words.
it's ok - to feel just the littlest bit... empty.
As i pulled onto 5th Ave, i clipped the side mirror of the silver fox with a big red truck parked on the road.
No wonder i hate driving.
Muttering at my own stupidity under my breath, i did what i had to do - & then tried to get my heart to slow down to a mere gallop so that i could pray.
But God? He's not all about composure & perfection. i've known that for awhile now. He's teaching me new things every hour that i vigil outside this clinic and meet with Him so far outside of my comfort zone. My audible prayers must be a sweet sacrifice for Him as my timidity makes my eyes burn & tear.
My friend talks to me, then talks to God - then back to me - like He's standing on the street corner with us. Her act of faith comforts me.
A woman who has walked by me more than once on the days i have stood on the street corner asks me, "So what's the attraction to this spot?"
i explain our purpose, and as she smiles and walks away - i wonder at His purposes.
Today, i felt discouraged - i want someone who cares to listen to me. i didn't realize that my discouragement was just thinly veiled pride... i didn't want to be alone - and lonely. i wanted that sidewalk and park to be filled with believers - who were united in purpose.
i forget sometimes that it's not my job to make my faith palatable to anyone else... it's my job to obediently follow where He leads.
It's no wonder the Bible tells us to fix our eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12) 'cause there's an intimacy in that relationship that makes discouragement impossible.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. hebrews 12:1-3