seven quick takes - last week's edition...

i wrote these last Friday - but wasn't quite finished when we left for Elmer's funeral... & i know - i haven't blogged about Elmer's funeral... well... i have, but it's sitting in drafts all scattered & unfinished.  So, i thought i'd post these *this* Friday anyway. 

1.  We are going to Elmer's funeral... i found myself thinking just for a fraction of a second the other day, "i wonder if Elmer's gonna call..." & then just this queer ache in my chest that he's not going to call anymore.  Death is so final...

2. As the littles & i were discussing bending our plans, cancelling out of committments, when neil would fly home from Toronto etc... mollen piped up, "Yes, but that's not the REAL question... the real question is, WHAT am i gonna wear to Elmer's funeral?" 
Yes, dolly... what will you wear? ;)

3.  Heeey, my blog got voted for top 25 moms of teens blog.  See my fancy new badge?  Thanks for voting! 

4.  My girls put in a story CD (Silas Marner?) to listen to the other day & when the familiar strains from the Focus on the Family song came on, they said they almost simultaneously burst into tears since they listened to the narnia chronicles every night of their "childhoods".   Makes me smile - they see their childhoods as the distant past - and i see them blazing triumphantly through the thick of them...

5.  Best "Begs Me To Answer" question ever asked:
Neil: Arrrg (yes.  Like a pirate)  What's wrong with you guys??!!  Is everyone in this house dumb, or is it just me? 
(awkward pause with tittering giggles...)

6.  All the exams are over.  The auditions complete.  We're making plans for the next year & it feels good to know that we've tucked another year under our belts. 

7.  i love my Father.  i do.  Lately when i think about blogging - that's all i come up with.  i love Him... He held me this past year & i feel like a child who fell & scraped her knee... He crooned, and picked me up... He examined my wounds and gently cleansed them to keep them free from infection, He comforted me in my anguish and His shoulders absorbed my tears.  Now, He's set me back on my feet - and i find myself still looking towards Him with wet eyes - knowing that i am loved. 

taking up my cross

i've been watching - quietly, safely, thoughtfully - from my home these recent days as others have been attacked and slandered for holding the same beliefs that i have. 
i've been praying for my brothers and sisters as they work valiantly, humbly, brokenly and vulnerably.  Truth is not welcome in every corner of Canada - and to shine truth's light into dark corners requires sacrifice. 
And as i've prayed, i've found that my thoughts keep turning stubbornly... to the One i love... who continues to shape the beliefs that hold me.  He is truth and light and love... For Him, there are no confusing rules about 'loving the sinner and hating the sin' - He holds all in His hands... and sees us clearly - to the very depths of who we are... and He calls us to be reconciled to Him. 
He loves the angry pro-choicer hurtling obscenities... and the indignant, prideful pro-lifer who throws them capably back... He loves the atheist homosexual who mocks Abba Father... and the hypocrite Christian who closes the church doors against those who seek.  He loves me with my lack of grace... just as much as He loves those who laughingly continue in sin so that grace may abound. 
i know this seems like some kind of impossible, hokey post... and maybe in my wrestling through this issue, that's all this is...  But i'm overwhelmed these days with love for a Saviour who breaths truth.  i'm undone by His compassion and the merciful way that He has chosen to use us - mere infants - to rescue each other. 
And no... i can't make anyone else understand my love for Him.  i can't always speak through the hurt that was inflicted in His name, i can't explain the Truth that brings about transforming clarity, i can't show anyone exactly how He's going to ask them to live, see and believe - if they choose to take up their cross and follow Him. Will the alcoholic remain so?  Will the gossiper be freed?  Will the slanderer repent and the vilest offender be drawn into Holiness?  i don't know...
i can only take up my own cross... i can walk humbly with my God, i can act justly - Oh Father!  Make me a lover of mercy...
And i do this because i love Him.  i follow Him because He sees me, has compassion on me - and in His mercy - has drawn me into relationship. The beauty of my Father continues to draw me further in, to seek Him tirelessly, to be held in His gaze and tended as His child.  i'm taking up my cross - (oh easy yoke and light burden to bear!) - and i'm following Him.

everything's ok

Sometimes when he holds my hand and my pale fingers get completely envelopped in his warm brown paw... everything's ok.  Sometimes the aftershocks of a hard year are enough that i'll feel off balance and uncertain in a given moment... i've seen things that i've been afraid of since i was a little girl - and now that i've seen them in the flesh, i can't get the images out of my mind; they're like monsters with big scary teeth - only uglier. 

It's easy to count the strikes against us...
he's stubborn,
she's unrealistic,
he drinks too much,
she's anti-social,
he travels too much,
she wants too many children,
they got married too young,
they don't have enough money,
they're too different...
they'll never make it. 
And yes... on paper... the strikes against us look enormous. 
They do. 
They're enormous and intimidating. 

But then his thumb rubs the back of my hand and something deep inside me wakens.  The thing inside blinks like a tiny vulnerable babe - and i realize that there's always so much more to marriage than what can be counted in enormous, intimidating strikes by an outsider.  The love that wakens is tiny and vulnerable, yes... but it's also deep and strong - it's alive, precious and costly.  It's ours...
And sometimes when he holds my hand - suddenly everything's ok.

finding grace

My travelin' man was home for a couple of days over the weekend.  i had been crazy anticipating this time since he was gone 12 out of the first 14 days of June. 
But this time, he came home kinda cripply. 
He does that sometimes...  He has a bad back - and the chronic pain over the years has taken it's toll.  We've spent thousands trying different treatments and ideas, different pain killers, physio, chiropractor, doctors... but so far we haven't found any magical solutions. 
And most of the time, i don't notice that he's in pain.  He doesn't whine about it - so sometimes i'll notice because of a little catch in his breath when he rolls over or the rattling of the Advil bottle at 6am or the fact that it takes him several minutes to get in and out of the vehicle. 
And it's easy for me - as the person who is not in pain - to scorn grace.  It's easy to be frustrated with a quieter man, to think that he's growly because *OBVIOUSLY HE HATES ME*, or to get angry when i see the precious hours that we get together flying by - and he's got nothing to give. 
But suddenly - God gave me some fresh eyes.
It's like when my little ones are growly or tearful right before supper because they're hungry.  It's like when my teens get too little sleep and they can't understand why they feel like a grenade with the pin already pulled.  It must be horribly uncomfortable to live with pain constantly hovering...
Oh, Paige - grace, grace and more grace. 
And i could suddenly imagine the Herculean effort it took to take me out for that morning drive.  i could see how much he loved me when he didn't punch me in the face when i leapt on him laughing and grabbing his face - instead, he offered me the kisses he knew i craved.  i could see how home must feel like an oasis where he's not selling anything - and where all we want is him - cripply or not.  He's ours. 
God knows, Neil didn't choose to be in pain. 
And so i peek in forgotten corners, bringing little humbling bits of truth to light, i glance under thick uncomfortable layers... searching, searching, searching... and ultimately...
finding
grace.

father's day

We learned a travelin' man song for our travelin' daddy-man for father's day just for fun. 
& yeh... he's gonna come back. ;)