the heart of the matter...

After our Fun Fabulous Friday at Cai's Fiddle Fantasia,
Ephraim woke up the next day with a teeny fever...
i held my softy boy & nursed him - rocking him and soothing his sadness...
i hoped that his sickies would be short lived since he had just gotten over a cold -
but Sunday, Monday & Tuesday went by with my teeny noodle boy getting no better.
Finally on Wednesday he refused to swallow any solids, and would only take breast milk. He seemed so wee and vulnerable in my arms and i decided i needed to brave the doctor's office to see what was up in that throat of his that seemed to be causing him so much pain.
i took Sloanie with me and we sat - and sat & sat & sat... waiting to be seen.
All over the tiny office were posters advertising immunizations & i prayed that we wouldn't be met with any unkindnesses because of our choice not to vaccinate.
Sloanie and i talked about that possibility, and i told her, "There are so many, many choices to make when you're a mama Sloanie - & you might choose differently than me when you become a mama & that's ok. There's only one thing out of everything i have taught you that i want you to cling to - the rest of your decisions will come more naturally if you just hold onto that one thing..."
"Is it immunizations, mom?"
"Nope - it's not immunizations."
"What is it?"
"Cling to Jesus, Sloanie. All the rest? It's details. Your Father is in the details - & He cares deeply what choices you make, but if you're clinging to Him, they're not as intimidating and confusing..."

It's the heart of the matter.

May my decisions be measured against what You've taught me to be true, Father... Let the wisdom that i pass on to my children be my love of You.

Outside the Picture Frame

Neil bought me an awesome camera - it takes beautiful pictures.
i have even spent some time learning how to take better pictures & i hope that over these next years, i'll get better at it...
But there are so many, many images that happen outside the picture frame...
i didn't get any pictures at Fiddle Fantasia because i was back stage, carrying my sweet little lump of fudge & watching out for my girl.
and then...
i didn't get any at their violin recital either -
even though i brought my camera -
i had to accompany 2 girls, and during the third one, i was shushing an impatient 2 year old.
So many opportunities like this seem to fly by in these crazy days.
i wonder sometimes if all these beautiful memories we're making will disappear & they'll forget all the amazing things they accomplished because i didn't manage to snap a picture of it.
and so...
once again...
a verbal snapshot.
Sloanie - daddy said that you look just like me - & i have to admit that once i thought i was looking into the mirror when i glanced at you out of the corner of my eye & i thought to myself, "Man, i look good today..." *smile*
You're looking so grown up. Your personality is coming out in the way you dress and i love your style, girlie. You wore your dark coloured dress with your funky boots & your new sweater. Your up-do lasted all night & even though you were scared, i saw none of it in the poised young lady who took the stage & played so beautifully.
Peyton, i love that you wanted to wear my emerald green dress. It made your sparkly eyes dance. i was so proud when you added your vibrato and took your playing up to a new level despite the fact that your broken wrist really slowed you down this year.
Cai, i wish i had pictures of each of the 12 outfits you tried on. Seems you can wear almost anything. i loved how you started your piece at a tempo that was almost too fast, but you held on to those reigns and played for dear life. Life is full of ballads & slow sombre music... it was fun to see you play like you were chased and pull it off so masterfully.
& there's more...
a feverish yum laying his head on his daddy's shoulder while his daddy checked his blackberry for the hundredth time. Mollen dressed up like a wood faerie, but bored to tears after the first number. Charter who finally had a shower and shocked us with his handsomeness - after seeming weeks of stinky little boyness. Gagey who needed many trips to the water fountain, and even more trips to the snack table, whose single tear stayed on his cheek for what seemed like forever after his sobs had ceased when he fell on the hard floor of the college.
and mama - who is usually outside the picture frame anyway - trying to balance, juggle, accompany, watch - and who let out a sigh as we drove home in the dark.
Not a single picture...
But so much of life is lived outside the picture frame.
& so much of it is good, worthy of being recorded, full of beauty and effort and skill...
So little ones, know that i cherish you all - and i'm so proud of the hard work that you are pouring into these years. Keep living and learning - whether the camera clicks...
or not.

do i trust him...?

i guess i'm taking a deep breath and plunging into some of the questions i have heard - or that have been impressed on me - in this travelling season of my husband's career.
There's a short answer - and i'm gonna expand just a little bit on it too.
Each of us have different circumstances - different husbands - different atmospheres on different types of business trips - different contacts, requirements, meeting places...
So, even among women whose husbands travel, this question won't always come up.
But when it does, my short answer is, "yes."
When i began to hear this question more frequently, i have to admit i second guessed my initial gut reaction of blind trust. i wondered if i was being naive to let my heart traipse around in Neil's pocket... But after some soul searching - and genuine reflection - i realized that i only really have 2 choices.
One option is to make my husband's job a nightmare. i could beg him to quit, offer ultimatums, phone and harass him on the road, and make unrealistic requirements about days home and away, numbers of emails, and minutes on the phone...
or...
i can choose to enjoy my marriage, his hours at home - & the sweetness of each minute in these busy years.
My heart spoke quietly to me - so i had to listen very carefully... but i'm sure now, that my instinct to *trust* - without agonizing, isn't based on laziness towards my marriage - because my marriage is precious to me...
& so - on the home days as well as the away days, we pray for him. i pray specifically for Neil's heart to be turned to us - & for our hearts to be turned to his...
& i'm sure my Father understands that this means i want us each to stay tender, focused and attentive to the other. i pray for neil to be given favour at work - with his bosses, and customers - and that he will be a man of integrity.
i am intentional in my efforts to connect - to touch, to love - because the extra work that comes with having a husband who travels is secondary to the dangers of neglect...
So, while he's away - i'll faithfully water the tender shoots of our love - protecting them in the wild weather that is sure to come from time to time, and making sure there are times when they get to bask in the sunshine so they can continue to grow strong...

it's monday...

so, we're back at the daily grind...
My mind has been working overtime for a couple of weeks now - and even so - it seems unable to come to any palpable conclusions.
There are all these threads of thoughts - that i'm sure are all a part of the same piece of cloth - and yet they're all separated and tangled. i can't help but think that if i could get them all woven where they belong, there is so much more that i'd be able to understand.
i wish... that there wasn't such a shroud of silence around the things that Christians don't understand... i wish that we'd talk - really dig in - without fear of rejection, or worse, casual dismissal.
So, since i find myself unable... i will name some of the threads that have wound themselves around my thoughts... so you can see that i'm not trying to be secretive... i'm just *unable* - and it makes me feel lonely.

music
birth control
passions
children
opportunity
hell
sickness
talent
honesty
men... and women...
money

Father - meet with me.
Hold me in my loneliness - and love me in my unloveliness.
Untangle the threads - and weave the cloth...
Show me what you value - and teach me to be more like You...

daughters and sons...

When my sister delivered her fifth daughter this summer... i officially lost my title...
i had been falling a little behind - and meanwhile, jess kept delivering daughter after daughter...
But for our first several years,
i was the mama of the most girls.
i remember when my sparkly eyed girl was born, i would hoard my 3 girls together and gaze at my riches like a greedy king.
We did the matching dresses, pony tails, pass-me downs and frilly bloomers.
When my first little macho man was born - all his little mothers clustered around this strange new creature. His cry was a hoarse, low sound - and the first toys he fell in love with were his hockey stick and ball.
The girls thought he was a lovely play thing - and doted on him constantly.
Then Mollen came - and we were back on familar ground. Another daughter - this is what we knew how to do around here...
But after a little break, when the babies came again - they were boys.
Two delicious little boys have begun to tip the scales for the testosterone team in our house - and Charter gleefully begs for another baby so we can at least have a tie...
The girls have outgrown most of their matching dresses, they do their own hair and would raise their eyebrows at me if i bought them frilly bloomers.
i like watching what my Father has made of our family as he has added each daughter - and each son...