teenagers...

i volunteered (or better put, i was asked to volunteer) to be the parent rep for Cai's fiddle group. i did the job last year when i was a billion months pregnant with Ephraim - and ended up carrying around a grumpy Gagey while fulfilling my duties...
This year was slightly easier because Gagey was happy & sat with his daddy.
The performers lounge is 2 flights of stairs below the stage, and our seating area where we could watch a short snippet of other performers during the concert was 2 flights of stairs above stage.
i carried Ephraim from their 3:45 sound check until the concert ended at 9:20pm. Up and down and up and down, shuttling, chaperoning, shushing and organizing 16 kids - running up flights of stairs when they were on stage so i could catch glimpses of my girl - who rocked - and making sure that my group ended up where they needed to be when they needed to be there.
Ephraim was an angel (as usual) but a heavy twenty-something-pounds little angel who needed feeding and changing, and lovin'... all while being lugged around like a sac of flour, following around a tittering group of gangly junior highs who shocked me with their junior highness... As we stood backstage, waiting for their final two numbers, I shushed the tired baby and danced from side to side - and i could practically feel the temperature rising in the hallway crowded with teenagers...
"i'm hot." i murmured to no one in particular...
"Yeah, well at least you don't have long sleeves!" one of the teenagers countered.
Sho' nuff...

The Phone Rings...

i'm vacuuming - and breathless - i hear the crackle of his cell phone on the other end of the line.
"Hey, did you call? i didn't have reception, i was going through the mountains. These roads are awful..."
"Yeh, that was me..." running upstairs to get to our room and shut the door...
"Hey neil? i wanted to tell you something really important..."
"Oh? What's up?"
"Thank you for not leaving me."
"What? i leave you every week - i'm constantly leaving, what do you mean, 'thanks for not leaving?'"
"You leave, but you still love me. You are away - but i know you're coming home. Some husbands go - and leave their wives and stop loving them. i'm glad you don't. Thank you for not leaving me, because i love you so much, and i like being your wife."
"Oh. Well then, thanks for not leaving me either."
"You're welcome."
"You're funny."
"See you in 2 hours. Drive safe."

Permission to Speak Freely

Molls was harassing Sloanie as we waited in the vehicle outside the college for Cai to finish the dress rehearsal for her upcoming concert.
Finally in exasperation, Sloanie spouted, "YOUR LOG IN REQUESTS HAVE EXCEEDED THE DAILY LIMIT AND CANNOT BE PROCESSED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN TOMORROW."
love it.

i wanna be fearless...

i like fearless people - full of confidence - easy laughter and purposeful steps.
i like to imagine that i'm one of them - but i'm not.
i remember being in grade 4. Our teacher gave us a math assignment to do in groups, and i was put in a group with several other children. i looked at the first problem, and timidly gave my answer. The boy beside me started laughing and mocking me, and with my cheeks flaming, i tried to take my answer back... "Oh, of course i'm wrong!! Sorry - yes, i'm so stupid..."
But as it turned out, i wasn't wrong... i was right...
and it's funny - how quickly i wanted to take my right answer back - and exchange it for whatever he told me to write down...
i didn't want to be wrong all by myself.
& sometimes i find - i don't want to be right all by myself either...

secrets from the heart of an introvert...

i think part of the reason that i'm an introvert is that i beat myself up over the things i did or did not say when i have been out and about...
Once in explaining to Neil some dumb thing i had said, i sighed and commented, "sometimes it's just easier to stay home than to go out and cause misunderstandings..."
& yet -
i feel that tug on my heart - that certainty - that people are important...
and that i need to keep trying - to work on my gracelessness, my awkwardness, my bumbling spoken words... because relationships are where it's at.
i struggle with knowing when to lay myself bare - & when to keep my mouth shut.
i struggle with wanting to be known - & the fear i have in the pit of my stomach that no one wants to know me...

i feel my Father cracking a smile at me - in my panicked fragility.

He created me to be so - he chose me to be His....
So, let my broken words be used by Him...
Let my embarrassing outbursts, or pained silences - bring Him glory...
Let my willingness to build relationships outweigh my inability to create them...
and let the tiny light shed by this introvert serve to bring others closer to Him...