suffering in silence

Sloanie & i were folding laundry on Wednesday. As my hand brushed against her wrist, i saw her flinch & asked what was wrong.
"Oh, i fell up the stairs last Thursday..."
"Last Thursday?? & it still hurts? Lemme see..."
Gingerly she held out her arm & i stroked it & asked to see the other one to compare...
Sure enough the hurting one was swollen.
"Oh, Sloanie, why didn't you tell me?"
"i don't know... You were at the church practicing music & daddy was getting ice cream with Gampie & Gam was watching Cai make cinnamon buns... i hid in your room to cry."
She had been her usual work horse self all week - wrangling the little boys, carrying loads of laundry, vacuuming the basement...
"Sloanie, i think you need to see a doctor. It shouldn't be hurting like that still..."
"No, mom - i'm sure it's fine... let's just leave it."
i made her take an advil & we iced it up & i put a tensor bandage on it for night - hoping that the swelling was just from overusing it after a bad sprain...
In the morning, she greeted me, "Mom, doesn't it look way better?"
"um... not really, baby..."
But, Neil was coming home on Friday & so we waited it out till he got home, took her in, got an x-ray...
& a pink cast.
i feel sick that she suffered in silence...
& i wonder if...
Maybe that's how the Father looks at us - wanting us,
His much loved children,
to bring our wounded selves to Him...

homeward bound...

i wander a little aimlessly when i know he's on his way. Calculating & recalculating in my head the hours of his travel - & estimating the time when the door will crack open & he'll drop his bags, surrounded by small fry.
The little people are usually feeling a little edgy by the time he gets home from a longer stint away... They're ready for our regular dynamic - the relief of a second parent - the comfort of another set of big arms.
& i....
i need him too. i worry sometimes when he's gone that he'll forget how much i love him. & that he'll forget to love me back as fervently.
So, the countdown is on... at the time of this writing - there are only 3 hours and 9 minutes 'till i start obsessively calling his cell asking for updates... make that 3 hours and 8 minutes... and counting....

bigs, littlies & middlies....

The bigs are bathing the littlies while the middlies are at the park.
The littlies cried after a long afternoon out. The middlies needed to run & the bigs wanted to rest. The bigs decided to have a "footbath" - but the littlies wanted in, so the bigs let them, while the middlies called their friends to meet at the park.
They all equally - yet individually - miss their daddy.
Two bigs, three middlies and two littlies - should all go to bed soon... The bigs will stay up and read, the middlies will say they're not tired & the littlies will need mama's milk. The bigs think the littlies are achingly cute... the middlies think the bigs are, (and i quote), "oldie poldie". The littlies think the middlies are bigs.
So, littlies, middlies - & you big ones too - mama loves each & every one of you.... & i hope you remember these days being as deliciously delectable as i do - as time marches mercilessly forward.

mornings - that first hour...

i heard the rumbling sound of a school bus this morning - & my sister says that's the sound of fall...
i slipped out of bed, careful not to wake my tiny bunkmate - & climbed downstairs to greet my classroom.
Soon, coffee was brewing, tea kettles singing, bagels toasting, oatmeal cooking....
& amidst the busyness of our breakfasting, sunshine boy came down & needed to go potty & snuffly baby needed his nose wiped & a fresh diaper.
Soon we were gathered around the table.
We sang O Canada & recited Our Father - and then i read our Proverb for the day (chapter 11). Cai led our devotional - (God is Holy) & we sang a hymn (Holy Holy Holy). Then, 'round the table we went - bringing our hearts to God - showing him what's inside & asking Him to take care of it all...
& then i read them a poem from _Immortal Poems of the English Language_ - 'How do i love thee? Let me count the ways...' & they giggled when i told them it's about daddy & me. i want them to get used to hearing language that sounds strange to their ears at first, so we try to read a poem a day. Sometimes i'll read it & then have the bigs read it again. Some poems are worth hearing 2 or 3 times in one shot...
Mollen was delighted that it was her turn to pick 5 words from our latin & greek flashcards. We went over & over them 'till we knew them by sight... "digitus, jactum, dia..." trying to think when we've heard those words changed & twisted into new words in our language. The big girls are getting pretty good at it...
We skipped geography - 'cause we were talking about Greek myths in history. Sloanie loves a good story & i could tell she could have given the lesson herself - answering every question & filling in extra blanks with things she learned on her own time. i gave the big girls an assignment due in a week and a half - to write a short play of one of the more famous Greek myths - & put it on for a family show.
Over an hour had passed.
Gagey had whined & cried... (i think he's getting that cold that Cai had...)
Charter had gotten distracted & got in trouble for singing to himself while i was trying to teach...
Baby Ephraim tried to grab every ones drinks off the table & the table looked like a disaster zone with dishes, crumbs, books & papers all over it.
Maybe if you were an outsider looking in - you would have wondered if my littles got anything at all out of that 3 ring circus i called school this morning.
...& this is a pretty typical first hour at Chrysalis Academy.
But learning is happening... gradually.
Children are growing... peacefully.
Characters are taking shape... carefully.
God is faithful... constantly.
This is homeschool - intentionally encouraging curiosity & work ethic... exposing little ones to the treasures of wisdom... bending for babies, striving for peace, juggling needs... long after the school bus rumbles by.
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* ps - even though homeschool is right for us - i am fully aware that there are many, many families who are diligently building into their childrens lives who are in the public systems too. i don't think homeschool is the only way to educate little ones - nor do i think that all the good things i expressed just don't happen if little ones do jump on that rumbly bus in the morning. Homeschooling is just something that we do - that we love - & that is a part of who our family is in this season. i hope that it comes across the way i intend in this post...

sloanie prayed

We pray in the mornings.
We pray for our day, for our family, for the families in our neighbourhood - on our street. We pray for our daddy, for our babies, for our aunties & uncles.
& sometimes - even though we want to meet with our Father - & bring to Him the things & the people that are on our minds... we lack the wisdom to know how to pray for them with the sincerity that i know is there. i hear my little ones say things like, "God, i pray that daddy will have a nice day..." "... i pray that everything will be happy for them..." "... that they won't get sick..." "... that if they're having a hard time that you will make it better..." "...help their birthday to come soon..."
& even though it would be nice if we could get all the nicest things - have all the nicest days - avoid all the heartache & suffering that abounds... there's something in my heart that pleads for nothing more - than more of Him.
Today, Sloanie prayed.
& i wish i could post verbatim her little prayer - because it so matched the wordless plea of my own heart... it went something like this;
"God? Thank you for this awesome neighbourhood we get to live in. i want to pray for all the people who live in it with us. If they're going through hard things & hard times, let them turn to You - & maybe then they'll know that You're there. Amen."