i asked my mom one time if life was just *constantly* discovering how stupid you were... & thinking, hoping & praying you were finally getting smarter, only to discover weeks, months, years down the road how much you still had to learn.
She laughed and responded, "Yes."
So, here is a freebie that i learned about Neil. Maybe this will resonate with some other wife out there :)
i use to say things to Neil like, "I'm insecure" or "i feel needy".
He would stare at me blankly.
i thought i was being pretty straightforward & he should really know how to respond. Turns out i may as well have been speaking Chinese. He really, honestly had no clue how to respond to those types of prompts. Mulling over this problem the last time i was feeling needy, i tried a new approach.
"i need you to hug me and take me on a date and tell me i look pretty."
imagine my shock when he sprang into action.
Men are like a rubix cube. You gotta just keep trying... & just when you think you've got it figured out, you realize there are 5 other sides...
& they say women are complicated...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Cap'n Gage
Did i mention my parents got a new boat & took us on some rides when we were there in July?
Those were some fun days....
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Telling the rest of the Small Fry.
First off, i should tell you that Gage was one of the first people to know. i felt safe telling my secret to that fat little boy & i whispered it in his ear within days of finding out myself.
My reward?
A perfectly enunciated word - a rare thing - "Baby" he said to me, as if understanding the situation completely & affirming it with that one word that so described himself and the little one to come.
The date of my first midwife appointment finally rolled around. i could feel my fundus - & that gave me some comfort, but i was looking forward to hearing that precious whooshing heartbeat telling me that all was well.
i wondered how different it would be with a midwife rather than a doctor - midwifery care has never been covered by our healthcare until this year, so it had never been an option for us. For the most part, it was the same. i weighed myself (up 7 at 13.5 weeks!), we went through my long history... and finally, i asked her if we could hear the heartbeat. It was a little muffled, but there it was... right around 145bpm. Sweet comforting sounds of life. i held it together & we walked out of there - & i picked up the phone to call Cai. i had promised her that if we were able to hear a heartbeat, i'd phone right away & say so.
"It's a yes." My voice quavers.
"It is?" her sweet high pitched voice matches mine.
As i hang up the phone, i cry. Those 2 times being told there is no heartbeat taught me to never, ever take this moment for granted. Each week is a gift - each pregnancy another fragile leap of faith - and this little one has made it into the second trimester.
That night, Neil called a family meeting. In a way, i wish that we would have told each of the children separately - to give them a chance to react on their own. Mollen and Charter were beyond excited, leaping out of their chairs & patting my belly & talking to the mini person inside. i could see some storm clouds in Peyton's face though & i couldn't put my finger on what was bothering her. She said all the right things, but i could tell there was something on her mind. Later on, i found her by herself - & we got talking - & the tears came - & i found myself having to guess what was wrong... Did it hurt her feelings that we told the bigger girls first? No. Between heaving sobs, she finally got out what needed to get out.
When Gage was about 6 weeks old, she had picked him up after being told to leave him be. She tripped while holding him & they both went sprawling on the floor. For weeks after that, she'd had nightmares - & now, a year & a half later, she still brings it up sometimes when she's feeling insecure.
"What if i hurt the baby? i don't mean to, but they're so little & tiny... what if i hurt the baby like i hurt Gage?"
Sweet tender girl.
It is a bewildering, beautiful thing, *family*. Each person so changed by the other members & each one so intimately and profoundly affected by each addition.
May God prepare each & every one of us in these months ahead as we prepare to morph and change again - & welcome this little one who has already made it's little mark on this family.
My reward?
A perfectly enunciated word - a rare thing - "Baby" he said to me, as if understanding the situation completely & affirming it with that one word that so described himself and the little one to come.
The date of my first midwife appointment finally rolled around. i could feel my fundus - & that gave me some comfort, but i was looking forward to hearing that precious whooshing heartbeat telling me that all was well.
i wondered how different it would be with a midwife rather than a doctor - midwifery care has never been covered by our healthcare until this year, so it had never been an option for us. For the most part, it was the same. i weighed myself (up 7 at 13.5 weeks!), we went through my long history... and finally, i asked her if we could hear the heartbeat. It was a little muffled, but there it was... right around 145bpm. Sweet comforting sounds of life. i held it together & we walked out of there - & i picked up the phone to call Cai. i had promised her that if we were able to hear a heartbeat, i'd phone right away & say so.
"It's a yes." My voice quavers.
"It is?" her sweet high pitched voice matches mine.
As i hang up the phone, i cry. Those 2 times being told there is no heartbeat taught me to never, ever take this moment for granted. Each week is a gift - each pregnancy another fragile leap of faith - and this little one has made it into the second trimester.
That night, Neil called a family meeting. In a way, i wish that we would have told each of the children separately - to give them a chance to react on their own. Mollen and Charter were beyond excited, leaping out of their chairs & patting my belly & talking to the mini person inside. i could see some storm clouds in Peyton's face though & i couldn't put my finger on what was bothering her. She said all the right things, but i could tell there was something on her mind. Later on, i found her by herself - & we got talking - & the tears came - & i found myself having to guess what was wrong... Did it hurt her feelings that we told the bigger girls first? No. Between heaving sobs, she finally got out what needed to get out.
When Gage was about 6 weeks old, she had picked him up after being told to leave him be. She tripped while holding him & they both went sprawling on the floor. For weeks after that, she'd had nightmares - & now, a year & a half later, she still brings it up sometimes when she's feeling insecure.
"What if i hurt the baby? i don't mean to, but they're so little & tiny... what if i hurt the baby like i hurt Gage?"
Sweet tender girl.
It is a bewildering, beautiful thing, *family*. Each person so changed by the other members & each one so intimately and profoundly affected by each addition.
May God prepare each & every one of us in these months ahead as we prepare to morph and change again - & welcome this little one who has already made it's little mark on this family.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Worshipping with K
i was kind of tired getting ready for church on Sunday. Being around other people takes a lot out of me. i sometimes wish i were more extroverted & it energized me, but i'm coming to grips with some of my weaknesses & i don't let them hold me back too much.
We slid into our seats a little early. Don't give us too much credit - we were early, but 2 of our kids didn't brush their hair & we forgot 1 pair of shoes. Pretty much par for the course. Right before the service started, we noticed that Mollen's little friend was sitting with only her big sister K (their parents were helping out in the toddler room) so i sent Cai & Mollen over to keep them company. i kept my eyes on the 4 of them as the music started.
As the congregation was invited to stand, K fairly leapt to her feet. She helped her little sister up & kept her eyes trained on the screen where the words popped up. As she opened her mouth to sing - you could tell that for her, there was nobody else in the room.
K is teeny for her age. She's maybe 45 lbs at 10 years old. A couple of months ago, she shaved her head to support cancer research, so she has a sweet little pixie cut now & her eyes look enormous in her little brown suntanned face.
i saw people in the rows around her begin to turn their heads to look at her as she sang - full voice, skinny little arms and legs moving to the beat of the music - fully immersed, she didn't notice any of them. Every word that came out of her mouth suddenly went straight to my heart. She sang with confidence, joy & love the words that i knew to be true about my King. She sang songs of love to a Saviour who knows her by name & who holds her in the palm of His hand. She wasn't about to let anything get in the way of communion with Him.
Sunday morning, the musicians up on stage were leading the singing, but for me, that morning, K was leading me to worship.
We slid into our seats a little early. Don't give us too much credit - we were early, but 2 of our kids didn't brush their hair & we forgot 1 pair of shoes. Pretty much par for the course. Right before the service started, we noticed that Mollen's little friend was sitting with only her big sister K (their parents were helping out in the toddler room) so i sent Cai & Mollen over to keep them company. i kept my eyes on the 4 of them as the music started.
As the congregation was invited to stand, K fairly leapt to her feet. She helped her little sister up & kept her eyes trained on the screen where the words popped up. As she opened her mouth to sing - you could tell that for her, there was nobody else in the room.
K is teeny for her age. She's maybe 45 lbs at 10 years old. A couple of months ago, she shaved her head to support cancer research, so she has a sweet little pixie cut now & her eyes look enormous in her little brown suntanned face.
i saw people in the rows around her begin to turn their heads to look at her as she sang - full voice, skinny little arms and legs moving to the beat of the music - fully immersed, she didn't notice any of them. Every word that came out of her mouth suddenly went straight to my heart. She sang with confidence, joy & love the words that i knew to be true about my King. She sang songs of love to a Saviour who knows her by name & who holds her in the palm of His hand. She wasn't about to let anything get in the way of communion with Him.
Sunday morning, the musicians up on stage were leading the singing, but for me, that morning, K was leading me to worship.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Telling Cai and Sloan...
Cai's nickname is Radar.
And it seems, her radar is constantly tuned in to my station...
"Momma, i had a dream that you're pregnant & you told everyone except me..."
"Mom, i had a dream that i found out you were pregnant on your blog!"
"Mom, remember when we were in Victoria 2 years ago & you were pregnant with Gage? Wouldn't it be neat if you were pregnant again??"
Finally i decided her little mind wasn't going to let this go - & i wondered if she had heard something & figured out the truth anyway, so i waited till we were alone one day & said, "Cai?"
"Yeh?"
Why did she look at me so expectantly? So hungrily? Like she already knew what i was going to say?
"There is gonna be another little baby."
She fairly flew across the room and into my arms. i wasn't sure how she would react - but i had an idea that she would be emotional. i could feel her fear in her little clinging fingers and her sobbing voice as she pressed me for details.
"How many weeks are you? So, the baby has fingers already doesn't it? When did you find out? How could you pretend you're not pregnant for so long??!! Only a little bit till we're past when we lost Hope... We can hear the heartbeat soon, right? What will your due date be? i think it's a girl! i can just picture her! Oh, mom... i'm so excited... and scared..."
i shushed & snuggled & answered all her questions.
i had prayed before we even conceived this baby that God would release me from anxiety and fear if i ever had another baby - and He did. i told her that the God who formed this little one, loved baby far more than we could ever - and whatever He will do, will be right... i felt total peace - & i hoped that her little radar would pick up on that & it would soothe her own little ruffled heart.
So, i wondered, how can you tell Cairo without telling Sloanie?
i knew the answer without hesitation: you can't.
i told Cairo that i would tell Sloanie too - but that i wanted to wait to tell the little ones until we had heard a heartbeat.
i waited the rest of the day for an opportunity to be alone with my little soft girl - & finally, close to bedtime, it came.
"Sloanie?"
She looks up at me, sweetly, "Yes?"
"There's going to be another baby."
She smiles, "Really? Wow, i can't believe it..." pause, "We're gonna need a new van... we're not gonna fit anymore."
"i know, crazy, isn't it?"
i feel relief that i didn't tell the girls together. Last time we did, and poor unemotional Sloanie was completely floored by Cai's tears - this time she is free to react as her own little person - & she softly slides into my arms.
"i wondered if we would ever have another baby..."
"yeh, so did i."
"i can't wait."
"me either."
i feel a tightness in my chest - i hope i didn't tell them too soon... but my own words come back to comfort me... My Father treasures the hearts of these little girls - these tiny women - even more than i do.
Whatever He will do, will be right.
And it seems, her radar is constantly tuned in to my station...
"Momma, i had a dream that you're pregnant & you told everyone except me..."
"Mom, i had a dream that i found out you were pregnant on your blog!"
"Mom, remember when we were in Victoria 2 years ago & you were pregnant with Gage? Wouldn't it be neat if you were pregnant again??"
Finally i decided her little mind wasn't going to let this go - & i wondered if she had heard something & figured out the truth anyway, so i waited till we were alone one day & said, "Cai?"
"Yeh?"
Why did she look at me so expectantly? So hungrily? Like she already knew what i was going to say?
"There is gonna be another little baby."
She fairly flew across the room and into my arms. i wasn't sure how she would react - but i had an idea that she would be emotional. i could feel her fear in her little clinging fingers and her sobbing voice as she pressed me for details.
"How many weeks are you? So, the baby has fingers already doesn't it? When did you find out? How could you pretend you're not pregnant for so long??!! Only a little bit till we're past when we lost Hope... We can hear the heartbeat soon, right? What will your due date be? i think it's a girl! i can just picture her! Oh, mom... i'm so excited... and scared..."
i shushed & snuggled & answered all her questions.
i had prayed before we even conceived this baby that God would release me from anxiety and fear if i ever had another baby - and He did. i told her that the God who formed this little one, loved baby far more than we could ever - and whatever He will do, will be right... i felt total peace - & i hoped that her little radar would pick up on that & it would soothe her own little ruffled heart.
So, i wondered, how can you tell Cairo without telling Sloanie?
i knew the answer without hesitation: you can't.
i told Cairo that i would tell Sloanie too - but that i wanted to wait to tell the little ones until we had heard a heartbeat.
i waited the rest of the day for an opportunity to be alone with my little soft girl - & finally, close to bedtime, it came.
"Sloanie?"
She looks up at me, sweetly, "Yes?"
"There's going to be another baby."
She smiles, "Really? Wow, i can't believe it..." pause, "We're gonna need a new van... we're not gonna fit anymore."
"i know, crazy, isn't it?"
i feel relief that i didn't tell the girls together. Last time we did, and poor unemotional Sloanie was completely floored by Cai's tears - this time she is free to react as her own little person - & she softly slides into my arms.
"i wondered if we would ever have another baby..."
"yeh, so did i."
"i can't wait."
"me either."
i feel a tightness in my chest - i hope i didn't tell them too soon... but my own words come back to comfort me... My Father treasures the hearts of these little girls - these tiny women - even more than i do.
Whatever He will do, will be right.
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