It was my last time leading worship in my home church until the little baby boy arrives... so i got the chance to sit through most of all three services...
Our pastor is working through a series on the life of Moses - and it has been good, meaty stuff. In a breath of his sermon today, he gently offered the challenge, "When the Israelites ran into difficulty, their first impulse was to go back to Egypt... what do you turn to when things get difficult?" He suggested that for some, it might be a habit of alcohol... pornography... or what he personally struggled with; apathy and laziness.
And as i sat with my swollen belly resting uncomfortably on my lap, i wondered what my Egypt might be...
i wondered if it was my habit to compulsively over think anything and everything, or if it was a weakness that had not yet been revealed to me, but was apparent and obvious to everyone around me...
And then i hit on it...
i was pretty sure that my Egypt was self-pity.
"Unloved" is my heart's petulant cry when met with difficulty, and with a sigh of acceptance, i meekly turn from freedom and accept the 'comfort' of the familiar slavery of self pity. i decided to watch for it - to guard against it - to remember that when difficulty comes, He sees, He hears and He has compassion on me... i'm fed, clothed and so tenderly led - and i truly do want to walk in freedom. Loved.
i didn't have to wait long to be tested in my resolve.
At the end of a long day, i sat down with a flock of young lambs who have no idea the vulnerability that the 39th week of pregnancy brings. My hands ache - a new pregnancy symptom i've never had before - and the end of the day shows my very real weaknesses as my body slows into a gentler, more careful gait. I have had a beautiful, healthy pregnancy - but any pregnancy is hard work. It's physically, emotionally and spiritually demanding... bringing me again and again to depend on others and surrendering my own comfort and vanity for the sake of another tiny person.
I've loved becoming "that house" - full of my own children and the children of others. I love getting to know them, letting them into our lives and getting a peek into theirs. My life has been enriched and my faith has been fed by the extra teens that sneak into my house, laze on my couch and have wormed their way so completely into my heart...
They were playing music... and then the little voice of one of my own lambs chirped, "My friend's dad told me that you and dad should stop having naps together..."
"Yeah, my mom says you guys have too many kids... You should stop."
And i smiled... but tears welled up in my eyes... And i *know*... these are gentle jests... These are my friends - and these little lambs don't know that sometimes i feel tired swimming upstream - so constantly called to a different shore...
And i couldn't respond...
"Yeah," continued one of my own little lambs... "i'm getting tired already of the comments, 'is your mom about ready to be done yet?' or, 'You guys already have such a big family, you must hate it...' It's like, enough already!"
Her eyes followed me as i got up to sweep and i think she guessed what might lie behind the plastic mask of a smile on my face...
i know these comments are idle - and they mean nothing to me - or to the tiny one i carry... and they certainly take nothing away from this marathon journey of pregnancy, and these final aching days as we prepare to cross the finish line... And honestly? People have been so kind... too kind... like, bend over backwards, *over blessed* kind... and i *know that i know that i know*... that there isn't one scrap of malice or cruelty in these words... but in an instant...
i began to turn back to Egypt.
"Hey daughter... want freedom?"
He whispers...
"Yes, Papa..." i pray... i'm sweeping the crumbs from beneath my large family dining table... swallowing the lump in my throat and cursing the hormones that make my emotions run far too close to the surface.
And in that moment, I choose to raise my eyes above the teasing confusion of my fellow Israelite wanderers to the majestic sight of fire and cloud leading us Homeward in the sky... I beg Him to speak truth.
And suddenly i'm filled with a certainty... that this boy that I carry, is God's workmanship... Before he was formed in the womb, God knew him... Abba Father... is knitting him together in the secret place to do good things. The work i'm doing? It's not in vain... Jehovah-Nissi - my banner - is using me, His daughter. My willingness to carry this little one for His sake is not something to be scorned or looked down upon... it is a beautiful work, and one that will carry eternal consequences... and Jehovah-Raah - my shepherd - is so gently leading me...
Out of Egypt...
Out of slavery...
Out of self pity...
Into freedom.
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7 comments:
Yup!!
Haha....Uncle Roy said that we should get rid of the "gramaphone" in the bedroom...(and we just had three)...
And another thing...ha... I will now take exception to your preacher putting "apathy and laziness" in the same camp as pornography and alcohol abuse...because sometimes Father TELLS us to "REST" from all our busyness...even the doing of good works... It looks to the naked eye like apathy and laziness...(and might even feel like it)...but as far as I know...He never asks us to abuse other people, or ourselves, or to fill our bodies, hearts and souls with with poison.
Now, I'm sorry for such a long comment, but I'm going to post a poem someone quoted to me this week....which I like... which opines that we should all allow ourselves the priviledge of leisure in quantities at least equal to that enjoyed by livestock...ha
Leisure
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
William Henry Davies
having said all that...you are right about self-pity...and my experience tells me it never helps anyhow...haha...sorry to have veered somewhat off topic in this comment...
So awesome, P.
You are a beautiful example to me and so many others.
Mamalena....in response to your comment. I believe the pastor was talking about apathy and laziness of heart, not just of action. I think apathy and laziness are worse traits than being addicted to porn or alcohol b/c those addictions are only outward symptoms of an inward problem....a problem which could very easily be laziness or apathy. Perhaps a drunkard won't quit drinking b/c he's too lazy or perhaps a porn addict won't quit b/c he's too apathetic to care about dealing with the root issue. I think the rest Jesus talked about involves a knowing who God is and knowing that no matter if I'm in the midst of the battle or in the deepest valley or on the highest mountain -- He had everything in His hands and so no matter where I am on the journey, I can rest in His strength. I could be wrong but that's kind-of how it seems to me.
Paige...I love this post so much.
Perfectly wonderful.
This reminds me of the Keith Green song, popular in the 1980's "So You Want To Go Back to Egypt?" Don't know if you've ever heard it or not. Maybe you can google it!
Saskatchewan Cousin
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