clean

i've been feeling exceptionally great with this little bean - especially since morning sickness rounded the bend.
But then last week, i got a really, really bad cold - and i seem to have torn my body all apart with the coughing and just being sick... and Neil was gone for 12 days, home for 4, gone for 9... We had a huge snow storm last week & the snow plow plowed a large drift of snow around my vehicle and it was a combination of a miracle and blind hormonal fury... (and some mad driving skills) that got me out of there... & i'm nervous that we're supposed to get more snow... & more & more & more... & my washing machine broke - & they told me it would be around $150 to fix, but they needed a week and a half to get the part.  Then a week & a half later, they told me it would actually be $600 to fix & it's not actually worth fixing at all... so... good luck with that...
And so i did what any pregnant mama of a large brood whose husband is gone who has already imposed on her friends for no less than 6 loads of laundry...
i cried.
And my tears were all hot and plentiful and ran down my face, dropping on my belly...

And can i tell you... it felt just... so good... to cry.

i know i have to be a big girl & figure out a solution. i can only imagine being Neil and getting a phone call while navigating snow covered roads in some random state and trying to be all, do all, provide all, cover all...
And so i don't even phone him.
But a good cry? That's free... and i seem to come up all clean inside after i'm done.
My Papa has been reminding me lately of His tender, sweet mercies. i laughingly told a friend the other day, "i wish i was tougher... Funny, God made me so soft and sensitive (and needy) and then said, "Now, be strong!!"
My friend laughed at me... (& i'm glad she did) - because really... these little things... are so very little. And through every little thing - He has been so gently shielding, protecting, leading and guiding.  i'm not sure that there ever has been another daughter of the King so lovingly taken care of...
And so now - tears wiped - face clean... i'm ready to take up my broom... fix a little chaos, tidy my little corner of the world, snuggle my little babies and take on the business of life...
Knowing that even the sparrows in my Father's care are counted...
And feeling secure in the peace that comes from knowing...
He's watching me too.