i'm so tired.
i'm so blessed by this little sweet man who now inhabits our home & my heart, & i thought, i'm just tooooo tired to blog about what i've been reading in the paper. ~ (i think i picked it up yesterday for the first time since giving birth 3 weeks ago)... & then i read my sister's blog this morning & thought, maybe i will just take a minute to write...
The paper the last couple of days has been covering the story of Robert Latimer. i'm sure we all remember him... at least i do... He's the guy who put his 12 year old daughter in his truck & piped in the fumes until she died of carbon monoxide poisoning. He claimed it was a "mercy killing" ~ his daughter had cerebral palsy. He just won day parole, after serving 7 years for her deliberate murder.
The weak and vulnerable are in danger in our country. The elderly, the handicapped, the wee ones yet growing in their mothers' wombs, the teeny homeless embryos created because of their parents desire for children, abandoned and destroyed because there were "too many" created...
Jim Derksen, of the Council of Canadians with Disabilities is quoted in the paper as saying: "If he continued to spread the venomous ideas that life with severe disability is not worth living and that murder is the best option, then I do not know what choice we will have but to enter into the public arena and dispute those ideas."
Each of us has a roll to play. Maybe mine is played out in my home... & not so much in the frontlines ~ Maybe mine is played out on my knees begging God to wake us up ~ to realize what's at stake.
There was a letter to the editor written by Dorothy Chabot, & the last lines of it read: "Canada is swirling just on the outer edge of the whirlpool - and we hardly realize the danger we're in." ~ (in regards to euthanasia, abortion, contraception, embryonic research, test tube babies, cloning... etc...)
It's time to follow the argument to it's logical conclusion. Canada is heading in a very dangerous direction... In the end, who will be deciding whose lives are worth living? Couldn't we just leave all that in God's hands? Couldn't we just allow the One who gave life to take it as well?
Anyway, Steph's post reminded me how much i care. How much i want to take back ground for my children's sake.
Here's hoping i can find my place & be effective in sharing truth.

Sat down to play & sing the other day & this music was on the piano... Couldn't make it past the first line.... God has been so faithful to me.
Can't believe it's been a year since my little vigil with baby Hope.

Less Like Scars ~Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)
And more like Character

Gage's birth

k, so i've been getting a few requests for "the birth story" ~ so this entry is for all the birth junkies out there :)

Tuesday night i started getting a few ctxn's. Nothing regular or painful... but they kept coming through the night. Eventually they were 10 minutes apart or so ~ sometimes 6 minutes. They hurt, but weren't all that close together ~ some were long, some were short... (peaking in less than 20 sec.) But they did keep me up. By the time i got up, maybe aroung 5:30? i played on the computer a bit, they stayed the same ~ so i drank some rrlt & had a bath. *Still they stayed the same* ~ Finally i went & crawled back into bed & Neil said, "if they're bugging you this bad, let's just go to l&d & get you checked out anyway. ~ (*in retrospect, i think this period of time is when Gage was turning from posterior to anterior*) ~ So, it was almost 7am, so we got dressed & ready. i was too shy to bring my baby outfit in case i just came home, still pregnant. We got Sloanie (second oldest, age 9) ready (she was coming to witness the birth) & my other littles crawled into bed with Granny. The drive to the hospital was about 25 minutes & i only had 3 ctxn's that whole time & one was really short. i was feeling a little sheepish as we went to l&d to get checked as i thought with 5 other children, you'd think i'd know if i was in labour or not... BUT, some of the ctxn's really did hurt, so i did have some hope that it was the real thing. We got there around 7:30 & they hooked me up to the monitors & all sounded good. The nurse said, 'we'll admit you' & sent Neil to do that while she was going to check me. Neil was shocked when he got back to get the news that i was a "stretchy 8" & they were moving me to a delivery suite right away & baby was coming. i was shocked too ~ the nurse even gave me a hug! She told the nurses who were trying to get me a wheelchair to 'put it away, this one can walk' haha! We got there & i started to tell the nurse who was there what i wanted... i wanted a squat bar, no pit, no vit k, no eye ointment... She just stopped me & said, "It's up to *me* what positions you can labour in. *I* decide, not you." uh oh... Neil & i just looked at each other... so i said to her, 'i've had problems with tearing before, & i really think this is a good option for me." & she said, "if you've torn before, you're going to tear. Your perineum will already have scar tissue & the squat bar won't help. You've had too many babies to use the squat bar & it's too hard for the dr's to see what they're doing." At that point, i got another ctxn, so i squatted on the floor & my water broke. It was green! My heart sank then, 'cause i knew the nurse was already a control freak & things seemed to be not going my way. She hooked me up to monitors because now, they needed to watch us a little more closely... i was disappointed, but understood that mec staining is a little more serious... i laboured on my hands & knees for a couple of ctxn's (brutal ones ~ i had an extremely hard time coping *blush* ~ but Neil is such a honey, he said i did really really well) & then the dr. came back to check me. (she had checked me at 9cm, & after a couple of ctxn's i was sure i must be ready). i was complete. The dr. said the squat bar was ok, so the devil nurse set it up, but proceeded to put my feet up on it with me on my back (using it like stirrups). ~ All the while, i'm saying, "this isn't what i want, this isn't working for me, i'm not comfortable in this position"... Finally, my dr. faced the nurse & said, "Leona, i am FINE with her delivering in a squat position. Leave her alone." & proceeded to get me in the right position (The bed was put really low & so the dr. pretty much had to sit on the floor to catch). The squat bar ROCKED. It was the best position to deliver in & every time he descended, i could feel it. i reached down to touch his head & the she-devil yelled, "Don't do that!!" & my doctor said, "Yes!! She can! Go ahead, baby's almost there," (While she's saying this, she's spraying & stretching me so i don't tear). Then his head came out & she wrestled with him a bit & then his body came out with a huge splash of mec. water all over everyone... oops... They had to clamp & cut his cord quick to suction him because of the mec. & although i was disappointed, i understood why... All ended up being well tho as he scored 9 & 9 on his apgars ~ & within minutes, he was back in our arms ~ so lovely.
So, i hardly have any bruising & required no stitches. Gage was in a rush to meet us, & was born at 9:03am, only 1.5hrs after we pulled into to the hospital parking lot. We got home in time for supper... (they wanted to watch us 'cause of his mec. & me refusing the pit shot)...

There's my long long story. With this beautiful sweet ending: (see sweet pic at *top* of post... blogger won't let me insert it here...)

So, now here we are, one week past Gage's birth. He's a dreamy baby ~ so good. Neil & i are amazed at how little he cries ~ we get little piggy gruntings when he's hungry. i think he might look a little bit like Sloanie ~ but it's so hard to tell yet. He loves to nurse ~ & for the first time, i avoided getting mastitis??!! (i'm thinkin' 'cause he's such a *frequent* nurser). My feelings are tender & tears come easily, but it's mostly tears of gratitude.

God has been so good.

*bliss*

My sweet son has arrived.

Gage Serenus Beselt was born at 9:03 am on Wednesday, Feb. 6th 2008.

He was 8lbs 4.2oz (so much for the teeny baby theory!) & is such a blessing to our family.

Gage means a "pledge or a promise" and Serenus is a latin word meaning "calm".

i wanted to give Gage a latin word for his middle name because Charter has a latin word for his middle name (Pax) & i thought it would be sweet if they matched. i battled this entire pregnancy with anxiety & i thought, how fitting to give him a name meaning calm, since it has been my prayer since i found out he was coming. Funny thing is, *he is* a calm little guy (so far~) ~ he loves to eat and sleep & it sure is cute to see his daddy's face light up when he holds him.

i am so grateful.

Bah! :)
Still here... Still pregnant...
My dr. sent me for a growth scan u/s because she was feeling like the baby was 'exceptionally small' (like under 6lbs) & hadn't grown in weeks. That made me a little nervous, but when i went for the scan, baby measured right on for growth. Fluid levels were perfect & baby got an 8/8 on the biophysical profile. My doctor said i'm just really really good at hiding the baby ~ as by her measurements, i'm only measuring 35 weeks. The only discouraging thing is that now i'm 5 days past "the date", there is talk of induction ~ *and* they want me to go for fluid scans every 4 days that i'm over till i hit 41 weeks 4 days, which is their outside limit... *sigh*... i asked her how thy induce here & she said they break your water & then wait 1-2 hrs to see if you go into labour on your own... That's just not for me. i want the baby to come when it's the right time & on it's own ~ without medical intervention. The next scan they want me to get is supposed to be on Friday... i'm up in the air over whether i'll refuse it or not. i'm trying not to decide anything.. y'know "sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" ~ hoping baby comes on it's own before Friday.
At the u/s, baby was too big to make out much, but we did get one little glimps of a sweet little face. Just a moment... Made both of our hearts just stop. Neil said he felt like he could just reach in there. Baby looked to me like it had really soft features... i could be biased, but i think this is going to be a cute one...
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