So i was writing an email to a friend who's had a similar year to me ~ homeschooling mama who lost a much anticipated baby & is now anticipating again ~ tho they're adopting & we're pregnant... Anyway, i've been wanting to blog about this for so long, but i don't even know what i'm feeling on it. i thought maybe i could post some of what i wrote to her in the hopes that i can mull it all over some more & gain more understanding for myself...

"It's funny how the anxiety is so hard to get around... Even here at 33 weeks. Some days are great & other days... not. It's a strange place to be. i find myself pulling away from God... not because i'm not willing to submit to Him, but because the thought of what i could lose is so daunting, i have a hard time dwelling on it. Does that make any sense? i'm finding it easier to keep my relationship surface because i feel like i could just sink into a pit otherwise. i know it's not right... half of me yearns for that connection i felt with God when i lost Hope ~ but the other half is afraid to revisit the pain. i need to rediscover the Joy in my relationship with Him. Sometimes i just don't know how to do that because it seems i've focused so much energy on the sombreness of our relationship instead of the Joy."

i was thinking about this in church the other day ~ how i feel myself resisting Him. Not because i'm afraid he'll take the baby ~ but because i don't want to think about it. i don't want to think about what storm He'll next require me to walk through. There's not one fibre of me that is angry at God... or that thinks i know better ~ & yet, why am i pulling away? Why am i so afraid to press in? Where is the Joy? Why am i so focussed on what i could lose, instead of what's to gain by resting in Him?