So i was writing an email to a friend who's had a similar year to me ~ homeschooling mama who lost a much anticipated baby & is now anticipating again ~ tho they're adopting & we're pregnant... Anyway, i've been wanting to blog about this for so long, but i don't even know what i'm feeling on it. i thought maybe i could post some of what i wrote to her in the hopes that i can mull it all over some more & gain more understanding for myself...

"It's funny how the anxiety is so hard to get around... Even here at 33 weeks. Some days are great & other days... not. It's a strange place to be. i find myself pulling away from God... not because i'm not willing to submit to Him, but because the thought of what i could lose is so daunting, i have a hard time dwelling on it. Does that make any sense? i'm finding it easier to keep my relationship surface because i feel like i could just sink into a pit otherwise. i know it's not right... half of me yearns for that connection i felt with God when i lost Hope ~ but the other half is afraid to revisit the pain. i need to rediscover the Joy in my relationship with Him. Sometimes i just don't know how to do that because it seems i've focused so much energy on the sombreness of our relationship instead of the Joy."

i was thinking about this in church the other day ~ how i feel myself resisting Him. Not because i'm afraid he'll take the baby ~ but because i don't want to think about it. i don't want to think about what storm He'll next require me to walk through. There's not one fibre of me that is angry at God... or that thinks i know better ~ & yet, why am i pulling away? Why am i so afraid to press in? Where is the Joy? Why am i so focussed on what i could lose, instead of what's to gain by resting in Him?

33 weeks tomorrow. It's a funny crazy thing to be pregnant... This baby is *strong* & as Cai says, "Our baby has the biggest ears in the world"... Gam gave her a weird look when she said that, but she means, every time someone talks to my belly, they get rewarded with a big "thump". I'm feeling a little tired... i've been doing a ton of reading. A new one i hadn't read before called, "adventures in natural childbirth" i thought was cool ~ mostly birth stories, but i find it helpful to read that type of thing & remember what it's like & how i felt & how i may feel again & what i might want to try. i don't know why natural childbirth is such a big deal to me. It amazes me every time i go through it that my body was made to work this way. There's no other pain in the world that is so productive as labour pain. i always feel like i'm on a team with the little one labouring to be born. Every time, during birth, there has come a time where i call out to God & ask for help. It's such a intimate joy, when a baby is born... My last 2 full term births were so silent ~ i think Neil half wondered if i was really in labour. i want that peace during birth again. i want the dim lights & to be the calm mama i was then. i remember when i had Sloanie saying, "is she alive?" after she was born... It had only been 10 and a half months since i had delivered Caleb's little body & it seemed so surreal that i could give birth to a living breathing baby ~ that i could go through the pain without the grief ~.
Truly, i look forward to that joy again.