Tuesday, June 6, 2006

i can't believe my sweet little macho man is turning F O U R tomorrow. i *do* love being a mom. Seems i'm blinking and they're growing ~ life is changing ~ . i'm not ready to be finished having babies. i keep trying to put into words what is in my heart. i love my 5 children i have with me now ~ but there is still a longing. i still feel open, and ready, and waiting... This sucks waiting for him to be ready. i've been ready - since Molls was born. & now she's 25 mos old. & i'm turning t h i r t y . Maybe i will have my wee one when i'm 31. Maybe God is softning Neil's heart right now - maybe maybe maybe... i would breastfeed, cloth diaper, home labour ~ (wouldn't dream of asking for a homebirth). i know where the cradle would go. God has been good. He has carried me. He has watered my love and kept the weeds from choking out all love. He has sustained me. He has sheltered me & kept me. That is what i will take from these years of being "qf" without Neil. The 'lifter of my head' .
This is so hard for both Neil and i. i never would have seen this coming when we got married. The best part of this struggle is seeing how *little* other things matter in comparison.
Oh, God, help me - help me to be the wife you want me to be! i'm so weak. i'm so unable. i'm so unsure of how to proceed. i want You, Father.
i pray for my family. Help us. Be the fire and the cloud to us. Hear us, see us and have compassion on us. Bless Neil. Heal our hurts. Protect us from the enemy who seeks to kill and destroy our marriage, our home and our hearts. Keep us first for You, and second for each other. Protect our little ones - help us to love, value, cherich and raise our children in a way that will bring you glory.

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