Thoughts without words

i phoned my sister jess.
"Do you have a minute?"
"um, yeah... Carrie, pass me that spoon, Robin, i need you to take this upstairs..."
"Cairo, can you go get the laundry folded?"
(ok, i'll type the rest of this without all the extras... but... hehe, you can imagine...)

"So, i'm having these 'thoughts without words'... & i feel like if i just knew the words, i could analyze them & decide if they're constructive, good thoughts, or if i'm just being silly..."
"Paige... Those are called feelings."
"Oh. Well, they're annoying."

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2008

2008 was a *baby year* so, for me, all else was eclipsed by the arrival of Gage Serenus on February 6th 2008. We’ve all wondered at his sweet demeanor and easy going personality ~ such a joyful addition to our family.
Mollen made the transition beautifully from *youngest child* to *youngest girl*. She loves to tell people that she’s not 4 & she’s not 5, she’s 4 and a half. If her lisp is fading, I’m in denial, but even so I have really noticed her seeming like a ‘biggie’ this year.
Charter finished kindergarten at public school & is now home for grade 1. He’s fun to teach & is *loving* having a baby bro. HE STILL TALKS ALL IN CAPS.
Peyton is the mother hen for the younger set. She’s in grade 3 this year. Full of creativity & humour, constantly entertaining Mollen & Charter ~ I don’t know what I’d do without her.
Sloanie is *still* our little bookworm. Her & Cai are joined at the hip ~ as I write this, they’re at the church babysitting for the ladies bible study, like they do every Tuesday morning.
Cai’s big thing this year has been joining the Bow Valley Fiddlers. She’s had twice weekly practices (for violin and fiddle), sometimes 3 times a week & we’ve seen huge improvements in her playing. I was so grateful that the pieces all fell into place for her musically this year.
Neil just recently started working from home. It’s been so much fun to have him closer during the day. He still travels quite a bit (seems to come & go in spurts) ~ but so nice to be able to sneak out there with a cup of coffee in the morning when he is home.
& me?…. Hmmm… This year has been incredible. I’ve been enjoying schooling the littles, mothering a baby again, & keeping my home (& my blog heehee). In the past few months, I’ve also gotten more involved in the music at our church which has been a great outlet for me.
God has been so good. Through the tough years ~ or the ones that seem to just be full of good things, like this one, He is constant & true. We are grateful.
Hoping this letter finds you well & enjoying the last bits of 2008.
Merry Christmas,
The Beselts.

Sar Shalom

sar shalom
prince of peace.
That's what the pastor talked about in church.
Jesus. Prince of Peace.
You can hear the full sermon here, just click on resources and sermons... (i don't know when it will be available or for how long, but it's worth a listen...)
i know... maybe my blog posts have been a little cryptic... no, Neil didn't do anything :) except clean out & organize my pantry... (Isn't that what most husbands do when their wife is hurting & they can't make it better?? *smile*)~ There was a painful family situation, that over the past week became a crisis ~ & i found at the end of it, that there was nothing left to do, but to go to the Prince of Peace... and pray for a miracle.
He delivered one.
i was thinking last night, about how sometimes prayers get answered in the way we want them to ~ & other times, it just seems like He doesn't notice...
For some reason, this past month, God has allowed me to be witness to 2 miracles. i'm so grateful...
i don't think i'll make it back on here before Christmas, but if there's one thing i could leave on here 'till i come back to my real world after holidays, it's this...
My God is Mighty to Save. He is compassionate, gracious, and
He
Loves
Me
So...
But even when it seems like He is not acting on my behalf ~ i will wait & i will trust & i will continue to hope ~ There's a verse in Romans about the fact that Hope will NOT disappoint us... (Romans 5:1-5 ~ Thanks Bible Gateway... :)
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

and Romans 8:18-27

18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

So... if you're like me... & you are carrying burdens, worries, hurt... The Prince of Peace wants to bring *peace* ~ and *hope* to your life this Christmas. There's a song, inspired from a Psalm that we sang in church on Sunday... & it's a good starting place for a conversation with God... i'd encourage you to start that conversation...

i cast all my cares upon you...
i lay all of my burdens down at your feet ~
and anytime, i don't know
what to do ~
i will cast all my cares upon you...

The Last Date

Was the symphony their last date?
An impulsive night out ~ dressed up for the first time in ages... heading out early enough to pick up the tickets and get a fancy Japanese dinner out?
As the music soared ~ was there hope?
& then... driving home in the dark... and the sigh of contentment...
Only an ice cream from dairy queen could top off *this* evening...
Request Granted.
and home.
If that was their last date...
(Please, let this not be their last date...)
Did they know it then, in the dark, as the music soaked their souls ~ & saturated what had become the distance between them.
Did he hold her hand so she wouldn't slip in her heels?
Did they for one moment... even just for an instant...
remember what it meant to fall in love?
Was there a chip in the hard exterior that revealed a softness... that had not yet been overgrown with weeds of neglect, discontent, apathy & indifference?
Did they remember that they are parents ~ & though their children are grown ~ their lifelong commitment to each other as evidenced by the existence of offspring required heroic measures to weed, tend, water...
To Save This Marriage.
The night ended.
No heroic plans were made.
No olive branch, no white flag, no tender words.
Father, may the choices we make ~ as we tend this fertile garden that is our marriage ~ bring us closer together.
Help us to never lose sight of the intimate picture our union is to be for those around us.

Whispers in the Night

"Neil..."
"yeh?"
"i'm sad."
"i know. That's why we're snuggling."
It's dark, but even his heartbeat feels familiar to me...
The scar on his finger, the tiny mole on his perfect bellybutton, the scratchy hair at the nape of his neck....
i know that if i tickle his back, even if he's asleep, he'll moan...
& that his feet twitch just as he's falling asleep.
We roll over in unison ~ where he was in my arms, now i lie in his...
Comfort.