forgiveness

Forgiveness is such a tricky thing.
In a moment, it's given - but i think so many of us fail to consider what kind of a commitment we're making when we give forgiveness. It works more like a promise than a one time gift: a promise to work through - persistently, carefully, thoughtfully - whatever grief or sorrow comes later as a result of the wrong done.
i lamented some residual anger that i had to deal with to my mom. i told her that sometimes a feeling like that will take me by surprise, "Didn't i already deal with that?" But God just digs in deeper; revealing another opportunity to grow. My mom's response was, "it's like, ok, can you do it with your hands tied now? Trigonometry... haha!"
And it reminded me of an analogy i read earlier today about growth. That phrase, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has always irked me. I've often allowed myself to view my sorrows like a poison... Sure, maybe i'm alive, but i'm weaker as a result. Their analogy was comparing brokenness to muscle growth (i heart muscle growth). She said, the way we grow muscles when we work them, is that the fibres literally tear and our body takes that cue to repair the muscle stronger (bigger, better) than it was before. i often think of that a day or two after after a crazy good workout. It hurts differently than it did during the workout. i'm SORE and those tears HURT... But, my body has taken those times of rebuilding and has made my muscles bigger... stronger...
It's the eve of a new year.
And it's so funny to find myself grateful for every workout... physical and spiritual... that has torn down the very fibres of my body and the fabric of my heart... and allowed me to greet this new year stronger than before.