Monday, May 6, 2013

mark 12:41-44?

i gave a copy of my book to my midwife.
i felt like a bit of a nerd - but i wanted her to have a copy. If she read it, she could see how the very small shift from traditional medicine to midwifery had impacted me as an expectant mama... And too - my book was my attempt to testify to the goodness of God... and for that reason too, i thought it couldn't hurt to share it with her.
It made me open my book and read bits and pieces again. Pieces i hadn't read in months and months - a year? More? And i could see all the flaws - the bits that i could have changed or made better or worded more carefully or expanded or deleted or... or...
Blushing,  i forced myself to put it away.
My book was a small, measured effort. Small, i guess, only in the grande scheme of things because i did pour into it a great deal of effort and love and tears and thought - everything i had in me to make it the best that it could be with the limited resources that i had to pour into it - in a very limited time. My goal was completion. {Cai admitted to me a few weeks ago that the time i spent immersed in writing it wasn't really all that much fun for her - so i'm glad that i chose to measure that time out, and not write a cheque that my poor family couldn't cash for me}.
One of the things i'm learning to admire about a current discipler in my life - is her ability to look calmly about herself, see the work - hear the calling of the Shepherd, and then follow through, pick it up and press on. i've noticed time and again, how similar she is to my husband - not prone to over thinking, to agonizing, to worry and perfectionism.
And so i guess i'm learning from her example a bit - and allowing my little book to just be. And i think in the same way, i'm learning... to just let myself be too.
i'll make my offering - holding my very self out to my Saviour as a most humbling gift...

Oh, Papa...
i'm not good enough...
i should be edited, fixed, polished and perfected.
How can you possibly use me in my present state - i don't have the resources to even polish the meagre mites that i bring...
But i hear your gentle voice - recognizing that i give out of poverty - maybe not monetary... but the kind of poverty that lacks the gloss and shine when i come and offer myself as living sacrifice.

It reminds me of Christina Rossetti's poem that Cai memorized as a tiny wee girl - and i can still hear her crisp voice quoting it as she stood rigid and serious...

What can I give Him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb,
If I were a wise man
I would do my part,
Yet what I can I give Him,
Give my heart.


fawne said...


Anonymous said...

It will be interesting to hear what your midwife's reaction is! Do post about it!

... and maybe sometime, down the road, you will have the time and energy to do some editing on "the book" and maybe write a sequel or be able to share with a wider audience. God's plan isn't finished yet!

Saskatchewan Cousin.


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