his wife

i sign most notes or emails to Neil with 'wife'...
i like being his. Wife.
It has been 16 years that we've been married. 16 years and 9 months. We're creeping ever closer to that half way mark of our lives - when we'll be able to say we've been married longer than single.
And it hasn't been easy every second of every day. Some seasons have felt like marriage has been refining me - burning away parts that are broken and are hindering... and awakening grace when a vicious selfishness would rear it's head in grace's stead...
And i don't know about you... but i get tired.
But i realized something the other day as my husband grabbed my face - and his lips felt soft and sweet and lingering on mine before he left for another business trip...

i love him.

i felt that, "ohhhh, don't go..." words that don't even need to be spoken anymore - they're so old and worn both on my lips and in his ears.

My parent's divorce devastated me this year... it shook me to the core - and a friend recently made me realize that now i'm a pioneer... i'm a newcomer breaking new land for my little ones - sowing seeds for my children to harvest, working long hours with uncertain skies - unsure of the seasons in this unfamiliar place, and hoping and trusting that our homestead will flourish.
And i understand that sometimes we're powerless against the brokenness that would come and take what we thought we owned. i understand that "unbroken" isn't something that can always be chosen. i understand that the sweetness of family comes in many different packages - but as much as it depends on me... this will be the season of the Unbroken Family.
This past week, a sweet friend - one of the bridesmaids at my own wedding - aching and broken from a fresh divorce of her own, wrote me a note telling me that she wondered if maybe marriage was just a cruelly perpetuated myth that in reality was just a form of slavery that brought only heartbreak to women. She wanted release for having been a part of so many weddings - mine included - wondering if her involvement in something so messed up had in turn messed her up.
i'm gonna be honest here and tell you - that i read her note with a really heavy heart. Seems every rejection of marriage feels personal these days... i thought of closing the message and declining response.
i am so very tired after all...
But i didn't. i couldn't. And so i let my fingers thickly type truth...

j, i love you :) & not sure what kind of "release" you're looking for, but i want you to know & understand that my marriage is the single biggest blessing in my life. It is a gift from my loving Father - and i count it as such. There are times when marriages don't reflect the beauty of the relationship they are supposed to - & those times are hard (trust me, watching my parents divorce this year has been devastating)... but far from enslavement, marriage has been something God has used to draw me closer to Him, it has been a purifying, sanctifying work in my life for which i am grateful. :) Take from that what you might & consider yourself 'released' from any guilt you may carry for taking part in a ceremony that means little to me compared to the bond that has been watered & tended & is fiercely protected in my heart...

And on the heels of my small declaration, he left... this husband of mine. And when he had only been gone only the first four hours of a two week trip, i cried. Yeah, i know... i'm a middle aged mother with children to raise and bean soup to reheat. i have baths to give and spelling tests to administer. And this man of mine is a go-er... he's home then gone in a breath - and this good life that i carry on in his absence is ours - with so much to be grateful for. i should know better.
But the heart wants what the heart wants.
& mine?  Wants him.