i heard this song today... by Watermark? i'd never heard of them before. My sister sent me a link here and they had this song playing with a beautiful slideshow.
Glory Baby
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Some days are just hard.
My dad has a famous saying "P&A, girls!! P&A!"
What's P&A you ask? It's positive & appreciative. It's as ingrained in me as: "perform the first time you're asked... Sloans don't need to be coaxed."
i really do love that about my dad... & i really am positive ~ & so grateful ~ especially to God.
But, like i said, some days are just hard.
More specifically, today is hard.
i don't know why. Maybe 'cause Neil's out of town & i'm lonely. Maybe 'cause it's still too cold to just sit outside. Maybe because my hormones are crazy.
So, today i was thinking about Irena Sendler.
On March 15th, the National Post ran an article titled, "Poland honours woman who saved Jewish children." The story is about a woman, Irena Sendler, who smuggled children out of the Warsaw ghetto during WW2. The article told how she smuggled children out through the sewers, but was eventually caught and tortured. Her arms and legs were broken & yet she still refused to give up any names. (She had buried information about each child she saved to help families reunite after the war). She was sentenced to be executed but friends helped her escape. She was officially listed as dead and she managed to hide for the rest of the war. The article quotes Irena as saying in response to her being honoured for her heroism, "Every child saved with my help is the justification of my existence on this Earth, and not a title to glory." She said she does not consider herself a heroine. Instead she says, "I still have a bad conscience for having done so little."
i know some people might think that those who lived through the holocaust have more reason to feel guilt for not having done enough. (i still remember that was the feeling expressed at the end of the movie Schindler's List too).
i think our generation is going through the same kind of moral bankruptcy that existed during the second world war & i have a feeling that one day, our generation will echo Irena Sendler's generation, in wishing we hadn't done so little.
So, tonight it's bedtime:) . i spent too much time crying today. Tomorrow, i'm going to keep on with the work He gave me to do. It might not be as dangerous as Irena Sendler's ~ & i might not accomplish it as bravely as she did, but at the very least, when i'm tried, i want to be found faithful. i've got 5 little ones that God has asked me to try to "smuggle out through the sewers". (At least it feels like that to me sometimes~ especially today as i read about the guy who got 6 and a half months in jail for importing child pornography into Canada ~ with images of children as young as tiny one year olds being molested... imo, people like "Enrique Devarona" should be castrated at the very least, not given a slap on the wrist like 6.5 months ).
God, give me the wisdom & perseverance to keep going. When i feel sad, defeated, tired & as dumb as a sack of hammers. Help me see the importance of being a good wife and mother & act accordingly.
paige
My dad has a famous saying "P&A, girls!! P&A!"
What's P&A you ask? It's positive & appreciative. It's as ingrained in me as: "perform the first time you're asked... Sloans don't need to be coaxed."
i really do love that about my dad... & i really am positive ~ & so grateful ~ especially to God.
But, like i said, some days are just hard.
More specifically, today is hard.
i don't know why. Maybe 'cause Neil's out of town & i'm lonely. Maybe 'cause it's still too cold to just sit outside. Maybe because my hormones are crazy.
So, today i was thinking about Irena Sendler.
On March 15th, the National Post ran an article titled, "Poland honours woman who saved Jewish children." The story is about a woman, Irena Sendler, who smuggled children out of the Warsaw ghetto during WW2. The article told how she smuggled children out through the sewers, but was eventually caught and tortured. Her arms and legs were broken & yet she still refused to give up any names. (She had buried information about each child she saved to help families reunite after the war). She was sentenced to be executed but friends helped her escape. She was officially listed as dead and she managed to hide for the rest of the war. The article quotes Irena as saying in response to her being honoured for her heroism, "Every child saved with my help is the justification of my existence on this Earth, and not a title to glory." She said she does not consider herself a heroine. Instead she says, "I still have a bad conscience for having done so little."
i know some people might think that those who lived through the holocaust have more reason to feel guilt for not having done enough. (i still remember that was the feeling expressed at the end of the movie Schindler's List too).
i think our generation is going through the same kind of moral bankruptcy that existed during the second world war & i have a feeling that one day, our generation will echo Irena Sendler's generation, in wishing we hadn't done so little.
So, tonight it's bedtime:) . i spent too much time crying today. Tomorrow, i'm going to keep on with the work He gave me to do. It might not be as dangerous as Irena Sendler's ~ & i might not accomplish it as bravely as she did, but at the very least, when i'm tried, i want to be found faithful. i've got 5 little ones that God has asked me to try to "smuggle out through the sewers". (At least it feels like that to me sometimes~ especially today as i read about the guy who got 6 and a half months in jail for importing child pornography into Canada ~ with images of children as young as tiny one year olds being molested... imo, people like "Enrique Devarona" should be castrated at the very least, not given a slap on the wrist like 6.5 months ).
God, give me the wisdom & perseverance to keep going. When i feel sad, defeated, tired & as dumb as a sack of hammers. Help me see the importance of being a good wife and mother & act accordingly.
paige
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
waiting for baby Hope
wow...
so long between posts, i forgot my info again... had to try about 300 different passwords etc.. to get in here.. Maybe i should write that stuff down instead of trying to rely on my pea brain.
So, haven't posted...
needed to post...
i lost another sweet baby.
i hadn't really been shouting to the world my beautiful news ~ that we were expecting another little one first week of September, & before the word even really got out there, babe had gone.
i really want to post a bit of this journey... but i've been putting it off a bit. i guess waiting to see if it will stop feeling like a gaping wound... waiting to know what to write ~ what to hide... So, here goes... i will start & post some of my emails & thoughts & journalings from the life of this little baby who we named "Hope". i'm including only my emails... just to warn that it might sound confusing at times because my emails are usually responding to something someone said to me... i just didn't think it would be fair to post other people's emails... even tho many of them are just so beautiful & powerful...
Maybe it sounds trite, but i mean it when i say may God be glorified by this little life that has so deeply and profoundly changed mine.
~paige
People ask me how i knew... i don't know. Maybe it was God. Mother's intuition. Both. i woke up on February 12th and cried. i knew that this little one's life here on earth was over... & i broke. i called the doctor & she scheduled an ultrasound. Neil was out of town. in that dark little ultrasound room as the minutes ticked by & the ultrasound tech who had promised to tell me if she could see a heartbeat remained silent, i let the tears fall... and fall... & He was there...
February 14th 2007 ~
mom,
i know you're not even home to get this...
i can't sleep...
mom, i can't even put into thoughts let alone words how i feel...
i prayed last night for God to give this little life back to me.
i remember i regretted not doing that with Caleb.
i regretted letting them take him from my body too...
& now i don't know if my body will know what to do...
they want to do a d&c. it feels so wrong to both neil & i. he wants me to wait...
mom, i loved this tiny little person... this little one changed the fabric of who i am irreversibly... & now that they're gone... i feel so broken. i can't stop crying.
i spent some time this morning worshipping.
i think God prepared me for today ~ i had dreams. i dreamt i was holding 2 babies and i was standing by a long sad tunnel. it was covered with rocks and grass & i knew the tunnel was grief. i could see a dim light i thought way far off, but the darkness was so daunting, & it looked so long, i didn't want to go in. That was the end of the dream. i wanted the dream to be just my psycho self, but i know it wasn't. & i just knew that something didn't feel right... that's why i went to the doctor. this morning as i was singing & crying ~ the line from the song that kept coming back to me was "we want to see Jesus lifted high, a banner that flies across this land. that all men might see the truth and know that he is the way to heaven"...
when i was in the clinic & i knew she wasn't finding a heartbeat, there was a song on the radio "in the arms of an angel"...
mom, i wonder what heaven is like... what are my little ones doing without me...
i want this baby to have a name. i can't think of a name that is perfect.
i'm so tired... & i ache. my head hurts from crying.
i don't want to be here.
i wish you were home.
i know you can't carry me... but i miss you tonight...
it just hurts so badly...
p
Feb 15th
hey,
i don't know if you all even knew we were expecting a little one the first week of september, but i know some of you do & i know the ones that love me will want to know that our little one has gone on to be perfected in heaven.
something didn't feel quite right to me so i went to the doctor and they scheduled an ultrasound yesterday and it confirmed that our little one had died.
please pray for me... this was a much anticipated life in our home & i am feeling pretty broken. pray that my body will know what to do and i won't need medical intervention (i'm 11 weeks). pray that my heart will heal.
if you can, remember me in september too, when this little one would have been born. it will also be the tenth anniversary of our son we lost.
romans 8:22-27 ~ sloanie asked if we can name this baby 'hope'...
feel free to forward this to anyone i might have missed...
paige
Feb 16
mom, i know you're still not home.
i just don't know how to just keep on.
pretending that everything is normal.
& i know people say i don't have to pretend...
but littles need breakfast & to be taken to swimming
traffic needs to be driven through
littles need mama to be able to get out of bed &
stop crying &
make it through the day
when daddy's at work.
i know i regretted letting them take caleb,
& i keep telling my body that it's ok to let go.
but i'm afraid that my body won't let go.
i feel like i'm going to be stuck in this purgatory forever.
a purgatory between hell and another hell...
neil bought me something to help me sleep last night... & that helped
jessie sent me art, flowers
and stephanie sent me music...
beautiful things...
my littles put up scripture verses all over my doorframe...
i just want to shut myself up in my room
till baby comes
and not look at the world
and not be a part of the world
p
Feb 17
my appointment for consult is wednesday ~
it will have been one week.
neil and i have talked about it & we want to not use herbal or anything for now.
when i've been praying about it, it seems like God is not giving me the whole picture, just the next step.
the next step is waiting till wednesday.
i thought maybe God would let me have baby today ~ caleb's due date...
God is here...
p
oh, becky~
here i am... waiting for this little one ~ who is already gone ~ to be born.
i've had no cramping,
no spotting...
i've been praying & i don't have peace about letting them take baby.
i believe God is in control...
i just don't know if i have the strength to wait it out.
& yet, it's what i feel like i'm supposed to do.
i wrote a song...
*hope*
here i am stuck in this place
oh how i need amazing grace
a soldier battle weary worn
i'm aching for a glimpse of morning
oh Holy Spirit rain down on me
oh Holy Spirit rain down over me,
God is here
God is here
my life is not my own,
this earth is not my home,
God is here
The Hope i carried is not gone,
i'll trust in you till life is done
Through clouded glass i dimly see
reflections of eternity
oh Holy Spirit rain down on me
oh Holy Spirit rain down over me,
God is here
God is here
my life is not my own
this earth is not my home
oh, God is here.
a gift from caleb...
that with this little one, it took me a much shorter time to see the *blessing* through the pain...
mom,
i think the reason i want to let them give me the surgery to take the baby is because i want to hurt and bleed too...
i've been praying and i have no peace about getting the d&c.
i'm going to go for the consult & neil's going with me... on wednesday.
but i think we're going to wait & let God take our baby when it's His time.
the more days that separate me from february 14th, the more that i feel this way.
i've been thinking about waiting for a set time before getting the surgery, but i'm starting to feel like who am i to put a time table on this...
& i know so many people say "just do it, you'll end up with one anyway" & maybe that's true, but i just don't have peace...
it's a medical intervention that i know i don't need yet... & just because i might need it, is not reason enough to have it done now.
& i know people say to get it done so you can grieve ~ but i'm learning daily to grieve in the midst of the storm... i don't need to be out of it to grieve... & maybe this is all a part of the process that God has for me.
i wish so bad that you were home...
i know you must be praying for us wherever you are today...
p
Feb 18
A vigil (from the Latin vigilia, 'wakefulness') is a period of sleeplessness, an occasion for devotional watching or observance.
i'm home today... neil took everyone to church...
i noticed that the world didn't come to a crashing halt...
but neil and i have decided that it's ok that mine has... understanding i still have to care for my littles & be a mom ~ but i feel that this is a time for a vigil... i am waiting for this little one to come... and pressing in to the Father...
God keeps leading me back again and again to that passage in Romans...
"we know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies, For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit interceded for the saints in accordance with God's will."
i've had no signs of my body letting this little one go.
neil and i have decided to take it one day at a time.
if he has to go out of town, i'll call you to come & be with me... but for now, he'll only be a phone call away...
maybe the nurse at the clinic will be able to guess how long we will be waiting.
harvey and marion will be here for next weekend.
it's hard~
cause nobody can help you *wait*...
nobody can help you *grieve*
nobody can take away the gaping hole in your heart
mom always says that "loneliness is God's invitation"...
this is sort of a lonely... solitary time...
& that's ok... i accept the invitation...
p
i stayed at home and downloaded music...
i started a little file of things i want to keep.
uncle john wrote me and said he still has his little shoebox with kelsy's things in it that he just moved with his most recent move...
i know i've gone back again and again to my little baby book i kept for caleb.
maybe someday you girls can come and help me get all these memories in a book for baby hope.
the only people we told at church that we were expecting were ben and karen.. so neil told them today... & i guess charter told his sunday school class that his baby died... after church, ben & karen showed up at the house with flowers and supper for us... they're so thoughtful...
i went upstairs and hid.
p
thank you jess...
these are a lot of the things that i was thinking about that i haven't really put into words... if you have more advice or ideas... please send them.. don't worry about it being too much or hurting me... i think i'm just aching for someone *to* talk to me... about this... & just keep talking... 'cause sometimes it feels like i'm in prison & need some visitors...
i've been praying about it and haven't really talked to neil about it, but am feeling like i am getting direction to let neil be my covering. He is really encouraging me to wait right now, and i feel like i can listen to his calm reasoning and i can trust where he leads in this...
i do know that here in calgary their procedure is to do the general anaesthesia... that's what i would rather have if this is the procedure i have to have. i think also with waiting a month, my uterus would have risen (if there is a living baby, my uterus should have risen this week already... i will be even more sure as each week goes by and there are no physical changes...) i'll ask about the hcg 'cause i hadn't thought about that... just about requesting another u/s... which is hard... 'cause they have to do the internal... & it's just hard & emotional...
i'm also reading that 6 weeks is dangerous... i'm not sure if it is... & i'm trying not to make any decisions based on fear... but i want to take care of my body & my uterus... & like neil said to me, it's like figuring out the safest way to have a car crash...
p
Feb 19
u/s measurements were pretty right on for dates... they didn't tell me exactly the w & days, (i'm going to ask to see the u/s report) i did ask how big the baby was & he said "how far along are you? yeah, that's about right"
it's hard to think of the right questions to ask when everything's happening so fast... & i was alone... & the littles were alone... & i was crying...
but i think it happened on sunday night or monday morning. sunday night i felt kind of blue... but monday i woke up & felt my tummy & started to cry.... if i'm right, baby hope died at 10w 3days... i found out for sure 2 days later (on wednesday)... the doctor who helped the technician did say that i was farther along than most women who this happens to... i wonder why? i wonder why caleb was so far along too? He said by far most are 6 weeks... i noticed that's what most of the women were saying on that site i sent you... mostly quite early... i wonder if that will make a difference?
as i was driving to the airport, the thought crossed my mind "i'm going to hate february"... & then just as fast, i thought... no i don't... & my littles love valentines day... there's no reason to hate...
i've been thinking about your idea of a birth plan, jess...
neil has to go out to see a friend & then he has a work emergency, so has to go to work today (family day) so maybe i will work on that today...
p
mom...
i feel like everyone sent their 'sorry for your loss' & now... life goes on... & i'm here.... & my life can't / won't ever go on the same... everything changed again & the baby isn't coming... & i'm hurting... & i'm lost.... nobody's trying to hurt me... but please don't forget me... i need someone to "watch and pray" with me... i know it's only been days, but all i see ahead of me is a road that could be unbearably long... and painful and uncertain... what if there's something wrong with my body? what if i can't have babies anymore because i wait to get the surgery? what if i can't have babies anymore because i get the surgery? i think i "get" why that tunnel was so daunting in my dream...
p
Birth Plan for Hope Beselt
none of this is my plan, God...
my plan begins with a healthy pink babe... born in the wee hours of a september morning... a gleeful momma & a proud daddy...
but if not...
if this is where we're to be,
then God, i would love to have this baby sooner than later... each day waiting is long and painful... while the end result remains the same...
but if not...
if we need to go through this waiting for some purpose that is beyond what i can see or understand...
then God, i would love to have this baby ~ after our waiting vigil is over ~ in an uncomplicated birth at home... surrounded by the love of my husband... & we can grieve in peace...
but if not...
if this birth is complicated, please give us direction & protect my womb... & my body as i deliver this little one who is precious in your sight...
but if not...
if we need medical intervention,
then God, please let me be taken to a place where they will understand that this little one was a longed for child... where life is valued and precious... let them understand that & be compassionate & care for my grieving heart as well as my body that needs care...
but if not...
if i'm taken to a place where they don't understand & where they don't know You...
protect me... & please preserve me from needing a d&c...
but if not...
if i need the d&c...
God, please protect my body... preserve my womb.
but if not,
if my womb is lost...
protect my life so that i can nurture my other little ones...
but if not...
if like in Daniel... i get thrown in the "fiery furnace"...
the God i serve is able to save me from it... and He can rescue me from my enemy's hand... but even if He does not... i want my enemy to know... that i will worship no other...
There is comfort in the fact that ~as mom reminded me when i grieved for caleb's lost body... that the baby we longed for is not there... hope and caleb are both safe at home... nothing that happens here can change that...
p
i don't know anyone else who has gone this route...
of knowing & waiting...
most of my friends who have had miscarriages started with bleeding...
at this point, i'm thinking that would be easier ~
what do i know...
i would like advice or help, ideas... from other women who have experienced a "delayed miscarriage"... but maybe i am focusing too much on the delay because that's where i am right now... maybe i need to ready myself for the baby's birth too (i hate those words... miscarriage... missed abortion... embryo... ) i wrote to that lady whose information you sent me ~ i'll let you know if she writes me back...
i'm thankful i have time to think a bit... but it's hard, 'cause there's so much emotion, grief, hurt, pain... that i'm not sure if i'm having any rational thoughts anyway...
p
Feb 20th
i've had a horrible headache yesterday and today... and a stomach ache that i'm sure wasn't just my mind (not cramps... just pain radiating into my back)...
neil is being very conscious about making good decisions for us... i told him last night that he is a good man... that lots of men would just want everything over with & opt for the surgery ~ even if it's not the best choice... he said he lost me for 6 years after we did the induction last time... he didn't... but maybe that's how it felt to him... :(
p
jess,
thank you for that article.. it was really good... i loved that quote from Gary Haugen : "When disaster happens, I've ceased to ask 'Where is God?' and begun to ask 'Where are God's people?'" (& even in my own hurt... i want to be recognized as one of His own... )
i remember really being hit one time by the realization of what we're *not* promised... God keeps his word... He didn't promise nothing would hurt... ever...
i know that song by keith green Pledge My Head To Heaven might sound like bravado... but i think the line "i'm gonna count all things lost"... is where we're at sometimes... sometimes all else is lost... but He remains...
p
Feb 21
today i had a 9am appointment at the "early loss clinic".
it has been one week since the ultrasound confirmed that our little one has died...
i've had no signs of miscarriage.
the r n that i spoke with was very compassionate and also very encouraging and supportive of our decision to wait and hope that this much longed for child will come on it's own time.
my husband spends at least a week every month on the road (he's in sales) and says he can't be at home waiting for the next 2 or more months for babe to come, & yet we are both certain that this is where God wants us to be right now... i am confident He will give us the next step as we need it...
Every morning is heartbreak again...
& yet, even last night as we were talking about this baby ~ & my longing to hold another wee one in my arms, my husband reminded me (again...) that this baby is a *blessing* and a *gift* and that we are forever changed by these wee ones who have touched our lives and left their tiny fingerprints all over our hearts...
~ i wrote something yesterday that i will send in... maybe it will resonate with someone who has walked a road they wished they didn't have to be on...
p
God, keep me grateful
show me how to live my life ~ in these days ~ with gratitude...
help me see Your Purpose...
i know you've got me here for a reason...
i know you haven't forgotten me here.
these days, i've been thinking that physical pain would just be so much better...
is it that i'm not willing to let go?
i'm trying to...
every morning i wake up to realize that i'm still here...
every morning my heart breaks again,
as i realize my body isn't nourishing and growing this child...
my body is carrying the little body that you knit together in the secret place...
and sometimes i feel like the load is too heavy...
like i might break under the weight of it...
Oh, but God,
in these walls,
i've felt you here.
i've felt the warmth and peace that your presence brings.
i've felt you drawing me in...
i've felt you holding... carrying... lifting me.
i will praise you when i wake in the morning...
i will praise you for your faithfulness...
i will praise you in the evenings... when sleep won't come... and my mind won't stop...
i will make a choice to praise you...
i praise you through the tears...
i praise you through the pain...
i know you've taken what i've lost...
and saved what i could not...
i praise you in the present
because i know you hold the future...
Feb 23
oh, jamie...
your post just echos my heart... right down to the stomach ache, headache, annoying (sez i) hubby and spotting...
i'm so sad you're here & yet, i'm feel like i'm reaching out in this dark scary place and there's someone else there in the dark with me...
i'm still here too... i can't help but believe God's got His hand in the timing of our wee one's births, jamie... there's something that we're not seeing here... He's not a mean and malicious God... He's Love... and He hasn't forgotten us... i wish i could tell you when why and how... but right now he's asking us to believe without seeing... to trust without knowing... to hope for Glory when pain and hurt seem to overwhelm... He loves you so, jamie...
((( hugs )))
much love,
paige
The bible describes faith as “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Faith is as impossible to see with earthly eyes as the tiny fingerprints my babies left all over my heart.
Feb 26th
Hope Delivered
de·liv·er
v.tr.
1. To bring or transport to the proper place or recipient
2. To surrender (someone or something) to another; hand over
3. To secure (something promised or desired)
a. To give birth to: She delivered a baby boy this morning.
8. To give forth or produce
9. To set free, as from misery, peril, or evil: deliver a captive from slavery. See Synonyms at save1.
v.intr.
1. To produce or achieve what is desired or expected; make good
the honour to bear you in pain, little one...
baby hope was delivered at 5am Monday February 26th.
perfect tiny hands and feet, with tiny fingers and toes...
not "tissue" ~
but a wee, created in the image of God miracle...
what a blessing to see ~ to hold ~ and to say goodbye...
hope was delivered.
not just from my body...
delivered from a world where we only see through clouded glass
to a heavenly realm where hope can see face to face...
delivered from an imperfect family
to the presence of the perfect Father
delivered from a tiny imperfect broken body
to a body perfected by the author and *finisher*
delivered from a *hope*
to the completion of a *promise*
praise God from whom all blessings flow
praise Him all creatures here below
praise Him above ye heavenly hosts...
p
Feb 27
jess,
before we knew about hope, you asked me when caleb was born & i didn't know the day ~ other than the first week of September. it was september 3... i was looking at his baby book today...
i didn't even want to show hope's body to anyone... not even neil... but he wanted to see...
so i showed him...
so wee.
he couldn't believe how much bigger caleb was... & how much a tiny one can grow in such a short time...
i looked at the baby again after we got home from the hospital...
i was trying to be so gentle the first time, i didn't get to see tiny feet...
the first time i saw tiny wee fingers...
then when i went back and looked, his little legs were not tucked up anymore and i could see a wee tiny foot... so small, i can't even explain how tiny... & the toes were no more than grains of salt.
i thought caleb was so tiny...
steph, ... i know i had way less blood clots with Caleb than with hope. i don't know why... his birth was easier too... maybe because i was induced? i know i was hospitalized with both because of blood loss... i did pass out with caleb too and end up in the hospital, but it was 2 days later... i passed out in a restaurant bathroom and Neil had to come find me and carry me out & to the hospital... i'm still really dizzy today... can't stand much. beg ~~~ to be gentle with her body... spend time holding and loving on her other babies too...
i know God led us to wait & let babe come on his own timing this time... & every step of the way, i've felt his hand guiding...
since babe's birth, He's been silent...
i've been crying out... & there is no answer.
i don't know why...
p
today we went to the funeral home.
neil said it was sad when he filled out the paperwork and it hit him when he had to fill in 'relationship to the deceased' & he had to write father... he said it hit him that he's the dad... that this was his little baby too... the man was incredibly kind and understanding. i'm so grateful to God for surrounding us with people who are helping us make good choices...
when we left, i finally felt peace.
we talked about scattering babe's ashes...
we were both thinking casaloma ~ but neil said it first...
mom ~ i love the idea of a memorial bench...
neil and i talked about them last summer & thought it was a beautiful idea.
i hate the idea of planting a tree ~ & seeing it die...
or moving away...
neil took everyone to gymnastics and i ache too much to write more...
much love,
paige
dear haven,
i made the little silver angel with the word 'hope' engraved on the back into a little necklace and i've been wearing it every day... when i found out that my little one had gone to heaven, i heard a song on the radio in the doctor's office and it was "in the arms of an angel" do you think little hope is in the arms of an angel tonight? thank you for your gift and for your note.
Wyatt, thank you for your note too. i am so glad to know that you and your family have been praying for us all... we are all very sad. The bible talks about the Holy Spirit being our comforter... we sure need Him here now.
Carrie, thank you for the box of special things you put together with your mom. that was very helpful to cairo too ~ as she is really hurting too. she used some of those things to put on a spa for her gammie because cairo feels better when she is blessing someone else. Your gift was very thoughtful, and i thank you and your family for praying for us too.
auntie loves you all very much ~
auntie paige
“Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak
whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.”
~William Shakespeare~
March 5
February was a *hard* month...
i'm just tired... & sad... it's amazing how hard you're able to push for the sake of your anxious little girls to put a smile on & to dance with them in the kitchen & talk about 'fluff' because you see they need you right now... but i never feel like i'm doing a good enough job... school has been going along... but really spotty...
my mom & dad are doing the most beautiful thing for us...
we lost a son 4 months into my pregnancy almost 10 years ago...
Like Kim in 3hills said ~ you never forget ~ & this little guy had a huge impact on our lives & forever changed me as a wife & mom (& person)...
My mom & dad have offered to buy a 'memorial bench' in memory of our 2 little babies that went 'home' early. We asked them to put it in Kelowna ~ because we'll always go back there & it's where our story started & it's such a beautiful place.
i'm grateful that you all have been praying for us.
God has been faithful & present...
much love,
paige
now to trust Him...
i have a hard time opening up my cupboard in the morning. Since i lost Hope, i don't even want to take my iron... & i look at my bvitamins & my folic acid & i just can't.
Neil is the same as he was after we lost Caleb...
quick, let's get pregnant so you won't hurt anymore... & it's just not like that for me (or probably for most women)...
Sloanie's pregnancy was *emotional* & what a sweet treasure she is... but the *fear* is so hard to get around... & i'm not guaranteed a healthy baby just because after i lost Caleb, i had 4 normal pregnancies...
i told mom that *this* is an easier place to be than 6 months ago before Neil had his reversal... & it's true... both places are painful... but here at least, i feel like the control is back where it's supposed to be....
i have to go read with Peyton. there is so much in my heart right now... uncertainty... hurt... maybe fear too...
i want to be tried & found faithful... but it's easier to accept each gift & blessing from God than it is to allow Him to take those sweet blessings home early... i hear of those women who have lost 12 babies & i don't think i could survive... i'm just barely treading water as it is...
gotta go
p
March 6
Our little one came on monday feb. 26th... did i already tell you that?
i've been writing a lot ~ it's been very healing for me... & i wrote a little 'birth announcement. did i already send it to you? i'll send it to you & if i already sent it, you can delete.
physically i'm doing ok... i ended up in the hospital as i passed out at the end ~ had nothing left i guess. i saw that you called & i know i'm a horrible friend ~ but having trouble answering the phone... hiding behind my computer is so much easier for me.
God has been very *present* and faithful... & i am so grateful for your prayers.
The littles have been so sad (especially Cai who was so excited about this baby) ~
Neil has been good ~ but it's been hard on him & then the added stress that he hates his job has been just too much for him.
This sounds like a really depressing email ~ but it's not... it's like that poem about the tapestry where we only see the underside, but God is doing something amazing...
March 13
Becky,
we had our little baby on Feb 26th... it was *hard*... physically, emotionally... i ended up in the hospital as i passed out (from blood loss?) at the end, but i had already had the baby & what a blessing to get to see & hold my little one. so tiny... unbelievable God's creation. God is good & He's been so present & faithful... the pain, sorrow & grief are very real... but i want to be able to let God work through all that to finish what He's started.
My empty arms sure do ache... & thinking ~ "i should be this far along now"...
My mom & dad have offered to do the most beautiful thing for us...
They are buying a "memorial bench" in Kelowna (it's one of our favourite places & it's where we met & married) for our two little ones who "went home early". Our son, (who we lost almost 10 years ago) we named Caleb, & this little baby, Sloanie named "Hope" for Hopeful in Little Pilgrim's Progress. We ended up getting baby cremated & have decided to scatter babe's ashes there...
p
i'm amazed at the amount of silence surrounding miscarriage...
it leads young girls to make choices that go against all our little mother hearts...
God, help us see life ~ your gift ~ as precious. Help erase the hurts that abortion has wrought. Give us the courage to speak about our precious babies... Even when others might mock our pain ~ or rub salt in our wounds ~ intentionally or otherwise. God, i see the ugly fruit of abortion in the lack of compassion for mothers who lose their precious longed for children in the womb. i see the ugly fruit in the terminology "tissue", "products of conception". Even "embryo" and "fetus" seem to take away from the tiny person who was and forever will be a part of our family. i see the ugly fruit in the *silence* that most women suffer their grief and pain in. i see ugly fruit in the shame that women feel in wanting something better than a d&c for their tiny lost babies. I see ugly fruit in the myth that "there's nothing to see... nothing to bury... nothing to grieve"...
Oh, God, let Your healing begin. Give me courage to bear my broken heart. Help me be willing to speak Your Truth. Help me see through my own pain to Your Heart. If it's your will for my wounds to remain open, and bleeding... help me be willing. if it's your will for me to allow other to see my private personal pain... help me be willing. Let Your Will be done in my life and my family.
p
mom & i talked about the bench & i thought you all might like to know that the inscription we decided on is this:
each fragile life, a gift
caleb 09/97 + hope 02/07
nothing shall separate us
i hope you all get the chance to see it one day... depending on where it gets placed, it might not be up till next september (2008)... but till then, i can think about it & know that this marker will stand in memory of my little ones... such a blessing.
Thank you so much, mom & dad...
p
so long between posts, i forgot my info again... had to try about 300 different passwords etc.. to get in here.. Maybe i should write that stuff down instead of trying to rely on my pea brain.
So, haven't posted...
needed to post...
i lost another sweet baby.
i hadn't really been shouting to the world my beautiful news ~ that we were expecting another little one first week of September, & before the word even really got out there, babe had gone.
i really want to post a bit of this journey... but i've been putting it off a bit. i guess waiting to see if it will stop feeling like a gaping wound... waiting to know what to write ~ what to hide... So, here goes... i will start & post some of my emails & thoughts & journalings from the life of this little baby who we named "Hope". i'm including only my emails... just to warn that it might sound confusing at times because my emails are usually responding to something someone said to me... i just didn't think it would be fair to post other people's emails... even tho many of them are just so beautiful & powerful...
Maybe it sounds trite, but i mean it when i say may God be glorified by this little life that has so deeply and profoundly changed mine.
~paige
People ask me how i knew... i don't know. Maybe it was God. Mother's intuition. Both. i woke up on February 12th and cried. i knew that this little one's life here on earth was over... & i broke. i called the doctor & she scheduled an ultrasound. Neil was out of town. in that dark little ultrasound room as the minutes ticked by & the ultrasound tech who had promised to tell me if she could see a heartbeat remained silent, i let the tears fall... and fall... & He was there...
February 14th 2007 ~
mom,
i know you're not even home to get this...
i can't sleep...
mom, i can't even put into thoughts let alone words how i feel...
i prayed last night for God to give this little life back to me.
i remember i regretted not doing that with Caleb.
i regretted letting them take him from my body too...
& now i don't know if my body will know what to do...
they want to do a d&c. it feels so wrong to both neil & i. he wants me to wait...
mom, i loved this tiny little person... this little one changed the fabric of who i am irreversibly... & now that they're gone... i feel so broken. i can't stop crying.
i spent some time this morning worshipping.
i think God prepared me for today ~ i had dreams. i dreamt i was holding 2 babies and i was standing by a long sad tunnel. it was covered with rocks and grass & i knew the tunnel was grief. i could see a dim light i thought way far off, but the darkness was so daunting, & it looked so long, i didn't want to go in. That was the end of the dream. i wanted the dream to be just my psycho self, but i know it wasn't. & i just knew that something didn't feel right... that's why i went to the doctor. this morning as i was singing & crying ~ the line from the song that kept coming back to me was "we want to see Jesus lifted high, a banner that flies across this land. that all men might see the truth and know that he is the way to heaven"...
when i was in the clinic & i knew she wasn't finding a heartbeat, there was a song on the radio "in the arms of an angel"...
mom, i wonder what heaven is like... what are my little ones doing without me...
i want this baby to have a name. i can't think of a name that is perfect.
i'm so tired... & i ache. my head hurts from crying.
i don't want to be here.
i wish you were home.
i know you can't carry me... but i miss you tonight...
it just hurts so badly...
p
Feb 15th
hey,
i don't know if you all even knew we were expecting a little one the first week of september, but i know some of you do & i know the ones that love me will want to know that our little one has gone on to be perfected in heaven.
something didn't feel quite right to me so i went to the doctor and they scheduled an ultrasound yesterday and it confirmed that our little one had died.
please pray for me... this was a much anticipated life in our home & i am feeling pretty broken. pray that my body will know what to do and i won't need medical intervention (i'm 11 weeks). pray that my heart will heal.
if you can, remember me in september too, when this little one would have been born. it will also be the tenth anniversary of our son we lost.
romans 8:22-27 ~ sloanie asked if we can name this baby 'hope'...
feel free to forward this to anyone i might have missed...
paige
Feb 16
mom, i know you're still not home.
i just don't know how to just keep on.
pretending that everything is normal.
& i know people say i don't have to pretend...
but littles need breakfast & to be taken to swimming
traffic needs to be driven through
littles need mama to be able to get out of bed &
stop crying &
make it through the day
when daddy's at work.
i know i regretted letting them take caleb,
& i keep telling my body that it's ok to let go.
but i'm afraid that my body won't let go.
i feel like i'm going to be stuck in this purgatory forever.
a purgatory between hell and another hell...
neil bought me something to help me sleep last night... & that helped
jessie sent me art, flowers
and stephanie sent me music...
beautiful things...
my littles put up scripture verses all over my doorframe...
i just want to shut myself up in my room
till baby comes
and not look at the world
and not be a part of the world
p
Feb 17
my appointment for consult is wednesday ~
it will have been one week.
neil and i have talked about it & we want to not use herbal or anything for now.
when i've been praying about it, it seems like God is not giving me the whole picture, just the next step.
the next step is waiting till wednesday.
i thought maybe God would let me have baby today ~ caleb's due date...
God is here...
p
oh, becky~
here i am... waiting for this little one ~ who is already gone ~ to be born.
i've had no cramping,
no spotting...
i've been praying & i don't have peace about letting them take baby.
i believe God is in control...
i just don't know if i have the strength to wait it out.
& yet, it's what i feel like i'm supposed to do.
i wrote a song...
*hope*
here i am stuck in this place
oh how i need amazing grace
a soldier battle weary worn
i'm aching for a glimpse of morning
oh Holy Spirit rain down on me
oh Holy Spirit rain down over me,
God is here
God is here
my life is not my own,
this earth is not my home,
God is here
The Hope i carried is not gone,
i'll trust in you till life is done
Through clouded glass i dimly see
reflections of eternity
oh Holy Spirit rain down on me
oh Holy Spirit rain down over me,
God is here
God is here
my life is not my own
this earth is not my home
oh, God is here.
a gift from caleb...
that with this little one, it took me a much shorter time to see the *blessing* through the pain...
mom,
i think the reason i want to let them give me the surgery to take the baby is because i want to hurt and bleed too...
i've been praying and i have no peace about getting the d&c.
i'm going to go for the consult & neil's going with me... on wednesday.
but i think we're going to wait & let God take our baby when it's His time.
the more days that separate me from february 14th, the more that i feel this way.
i've been thinking about waiting for a set time before getting the surgery, but i'm starting to feel like who am i to put a time table on this...
& i know so many people say "just do it, you'll end up with one anyway" & maybe that's true, but i just don't have peace...
it's a medical intervention that i know i don't need yet... & just because i might need it, is not reason enough to have it done now.
& i know people say to get it done so you can grieve ~ but i'm learning daily to grieve in the midst of the storm... i don't need to be out of it to grieve... & maybe this is all a part of the process that God has for me.
i wish so bad that you were home...
i know you must be praying for us wherever you are today...
p
Feb 18
A vigil (from the Latin vigilia, 'wakefulness') is a period of sleeplessness, an occasion for devotional watching or observance.
i'm home today... neil took everyone to church...
i noticed that the world didn't come to a crashing halt...
but neil and i have decided that it's ok that mine has... understanding i still have to care for my littles & be a mom ~ but i feel that this is a time for a vigil... i am waiting for this little one to come... and pressing in to the Father...
God keeps leading me back again and again to that passage in Romans...
"we know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies, For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit interceded for the saints in accordance with God's will."
i've had no signs of my body letting this little one go.
neil and i have decided to take it one day at a time.
if he has to go out of town, i'll call you to come & be with me... but for now, he'll only be a phone call away...
maybe the nurse at the clinic will be able to guess how long we will be waiting.
harvey and marion will be here for next weekend.
it's hard~
cause nobody can help you *wait*...
nobody can help you *grieve*
nobody can take away the gaping hole in your heart
mom always says that "loneliness is God's invitation"...
this is sort of a lonely... solitary time...
& that's ok... i accept the invitation...
p
i stayed at home and downloaded music...
i started a little file of things i want to keep.
uncle john wrote me and said he still has his little shoebox with kelsy's things in it that he just moved with his most recent move...
i know i've gone back again and again to my little baby book i kept for caleb.
maybe someday you girls can come and help me get all these memories in a book for baby hope.
the only people we told at church that we were expecting were ben and karen.. so neil told them today... & i guess charter told his sunday school class that his baby died... after church, ben & karen showed up at the house with flowers and supper for us... they're so thoughtful...
i went upstairs and hid.
p
thank you jess...
these are a lot of the things that i was thinking about that i haven't really put into words... if you have more advice or ideas... please send them.. don't worry about it being too much or hurting me... i think i'm just aching for someone *to* talk to me... about this... & just keep talking... 'cause sometimes it feels like i'm in prison & need some visitors...
i've been praying about it and haven't really talked to neil about it, but am feeling like i am getting direction to let neil be my covering. He is really encouraging me to wait right now, and i feel like i can listen to his calm reasoning and i can trust where he leads in this...
i do know that here in calgary their procedure is to do the general anaesthesia... that's what i would rather have if this is the procedure i have to have. i think also with waiting a month, my uterus would have risen (if there is a living baby, my uterus should have risen this week already... i will be even more sure as each week goes by and there are no physical changes...) i'll ask about the hcg 'cause i hadn't thought about that... just about requesting another u/s... which is hard... 'cause they have to do the internal... & it's just hard & emotional...
i'm also reading that 6 weeks is dangerous... i'm not sure if it is... & i'm trying not to make any decisions based on fear... but i want to take care of my body & my uterus... & like neil said to me, it's like figuring out the safest way to have a car crash...
p
Feb 19
u/s measurements were pretty right on for dates... they didn't tell me exactly the w & days, (i'm going to ask to see the u/s report) i did ask how big the baby was & he said "how far along are you? yeah, that's about right"
it's hard to think of the right questions to ask when everything's happening so fast... & i was alone... & the littles were alone... & i was crying...
but i think it happened on sunday night or monday morning. sunday night i felt kind of blue... but monday i woke up & felt my tummy & started to cry.... if i'm right, baby hope died at 10w 3days... i found out for sure 2 days later (on wednesday)... the doctor who helped the technician did say that i was farther along than most women who this happens to... i wonder why? i wonder why caleb was so far along too? He said by far most are 6 weeks... i noticed that's what most of the women were saying on that site i sent you... mostly quite early... i wonder if that will make a difference?
as i was driving to the airport, the thought crossed my mind "i'm going to hate february"... & then just as fast, i thought... no i don't... & my littles love valentines day... there's no reason to hate...
i've been thinking about your idea of a birth plan, jess...
neil has to go out to see a friend & then he has a work emergency, so has to go to work today (family day) so maybe i will work on that today...
p
mom...
i feel like everyone sent their 'sorry for your loss' & now... life goes on... & i'm here.... & my life can't / won't ever go on the same... everything changed again & the baby isn't coming... & i'm hurting... & i'm lost.... nobody's trying to hurt me... but please don't forget me... i need someone to "watch and pray" with me... i know it's only been days, but all i see ahead of me is a road that could be unbearably long... and painful and uncertain... what if there's something wrong with my body? what if i can't have babies anymore because i wait to get the surgery? what if i can't have babies anymore because i get the surgery? i think i "get" why that tunnel was so daunting in my dream...
p
Birth Plan for Hope Beselt
none of this is my plan, God...
my plan begins with a healthy pink babe... born in the wee hours of a september morning... a gleeful momma & a proud daddy...
but if not...
if this is where we're to be,
then God, i would love to have this baby sooner than later... each day waiting is long and painful... while the end result remains the same...
but if not...
if we need to go through this waiting for some purpose that is beyond what i can see or understand...
then God, i would love to have this baby ~ after our waiting vigil is over ~ in an uncomplicated birth at home... surrounded by the love of my husband... & we can grieve in peace...
but if not...
if this birth is complicated, please give us direction & protect my womb... & my body as i deliver this little one who is precious in your sight...
but if not...
if we need medical intervention,
then God, please let me be taken to a place where they will understand that this little one was a longed for child... where life is valued and precious... let them understand that & be compassionate & care for my grieving heart as well as my body that needs care...
but if not...
if i'm taken to a place where they don't understand & where they don't know You...
protect me... & please preserve me from needing a d&c...
but if not...
if i need the d&c...
God, please protect my body... preserve my womb.
but if not,
if my womb is lost...
protect my life so that i can nurture my other little ones...
but if not...
if like in Daniel... i get thrown in the "fiery furnace"...
the God i serve is able to save me from it... and He can rescue me from my enemy's hand... but even if He does not... i want my enemy to know... that i will worship no other...
There is comfort in the fact that ~as mom reminded me when i grieved for caleb's lost body... that the baby we longed for is not there... hope and caleb are both safe at home... nothing that happens here can change that...
p
i don't know anyone else who has gone this route...
of knowing & waiting...
most of my friends who have had miscarriages started with bleeding...
at this point, i'm thinking that would be easier ~
what do i know...
i would like advice or help, ideas... from other women who have experienced a "delayed miscarriage"... but maybe i am focusing too much on the delay because that's where i am right now... maybe i need to ready myself for the baby's birth too (i hate those words... miscarriage... missed abortion... embryo... ) i wrote to that lady whose information you sent me ~ i'll let you know if she writes me back...
i'm thankful i have time to think a bit... but it's hard, 'cause there's so much emotion, grief, hurt, pain... that i'm not sure if i'm having any rational thoughts anyway...
p
Feb 20th
i've had a horrible headache yesterday and today... and a stomach ache that i'm sure wasn't just my mind (not cramps... just pain radiating into my back)...
neil is being very conscious about making good decisions for us... i told him last night that he is a good man... that lots of men would just want everything over with & opt for the surgery ~ even if it's not the best choice... he said he lost me for 6 years after we did the induction last time... he didn't... but maybe that's how it felt to him... :(
p
jess,
thank you for that article.. it was really good... i loved that quote from Gary Haugen : "When disaster happens, I've ceased to ask 'Where is God?' and begun to ask 'Where are God's people?'" (& even in my own hurt... i want to be recognized as one of His own... )
i remember really being hit one time by the realization of what we're *not* promised... God keeps his word... He didn't promise nothing would hurt... ever...
i know that song by keith green Pledge My Head To Heaven might sound like bravado... but i think the line "i'm gonna count all things lost"... is where we're at sometimes... sometimes all else is lost... but He remains...
p
Feb 21
today i had a 9am appointment at the "early loss clinic".
it has been one week since the ultrasound confirmed that our little one has died...
i've had no signs of miscarriage.
the r n that i spoke with was very compassionate and also very encouraging and supportive of our decision to wait and hope that this much longed for child will come on it's own time.
my husband spends at least a week every month on the road (he's in sales) and says he can't be at home waiting for the next 2 or more months for babe to come, & yet we are both certain that this is where God wants us to be right now... i am confident He will give us the next step as we need it...
Every morning is heartbreak again...
& yet, even last night as we were talking about this baby ~ & my longing to hold another wee one in my arms, my husband reminded me (again...) that this baby is a *blessing* and a *gift* and that we are forever changed by these wee ones who have touched our lives and left their tiny fingerprints all over our hearts...
~ i wrote something yesterday that i will send in... maybe it will resonate with someone who has walked a road they wished they didn't have to be on...
p
God, keep me grateful
show me how to live my life ~ in these days ~ with gratitude...
help me see Your Purpose...
i know you've got me here for a reason...
i know you haven't forgotten me here.
these days, i've been thinking that physical pain would just be so much better...
is it that i'm not willing to let go?
i'm trying to...
every morning i wake up to realize that i'm still here...
every morning my heart breaks again,
as i realize my body isn't nourishing and growing this child...
my body is carrying the little body that you knit together in the secret place...
and sometimes i feel like the load is too heavy...
like i might break under the weight of it...
Oh, but God,
in these walls,
i've felt you here.
i've felt the warmth and peace that your presence brings.
i've felt you drawing me in...
i've felt you holding... carrying... lifting me.
i will praise you when i wake in the morning...
i will praise you for your faithfulness...
i will praise you in the evenings... when sleep won't come... and my mind won't stop...
i will make a choice to praise you...
i praise you through the tears...
i praise you through the pain...
i know you've taken what i've lost...
and saved what i could not...
i praise you in the present
because i know you hold the future...
Feb 23
oh, jamie...
your post just echos my heart... right down to the stomach ache, headache, annoying (sez i) hubby and spotting...
i'm so sad you're here & yet, i'm feel like i'm reaching out in this dark scary place and there's someone else there in the dark with me...
i'm still here too... i can't help but believe God's got His hand in the timing of our wee one's births, jamie... there's something that we're not seeing here... He's not a mean and malicious God... He's Love... and He hasn't forgotten us... i wish i could tell you when why and how... but right now he's asking us to believe without seeing... to trust without knowing... to hope for Glory when pain and hurt seem to overwhelm... He loves you so, jamie...
((( hugs )))
much love,
paige
The bible describes faith as “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Faith is as impossible to see with earthly eyes as the tiny fingerprints my babies left all over my heart.
Feb 26th
Hope Delivered
de·liv·er
v.tr.
1. To bring or transport to the proper place or recipient
2. To surrender (someone or something) to another; hand over
3. To secure (something promised or desired)
a. To give birth to: She delivered a baby boy this morning.
8. To give forth or produce
9. To set free, as from misery, peril, or evil: deliver a captive from slavery. See Synonyms at save1.
v.intr.
1. To produce or achieve what is desired or expected; make good
the honour to bear you in pain, little one...
baby hope was delivered at 5am Monday February 26th.
perfect tiny hands and feet, with tiny fingers and toes...
not "tissue" ~
but a wee, created in the image of God miracle...
what a blessing to see ~ to hold ~ and to say goodbye...
hope was delivered.
not just from my body...
delivered from a world where we only see through clouded glass
to a heavenly realm where hope can see face to face...
delivered from an imperfect family
to the presence of the perfect Father
delivered from a tiny imperfect broken body
to a body perfected by the author and *finisher*
delivered from a *hope*
to the completion of a *promise*
praise God from whom all blessings flow
praise Him all creatures here below
praise Him above ye heavenly hosts...
p
Feb 27
jess,
before we knew about hope, you asked me when caleb was born & i didn't know the day ~ other than the first week of September. it was september 3... i was looking at his baby book today...
i didn't even want to show hope's body to anyone... not even neil... but he wanted to see...
so i showed him...
so wee.
he couldn't believe how much bigger caleb was... & how much a tiny one can grow in such a short time...
i looked at the baby again after we got home from the hospital...
i was trying to be so gentle the first time, i didn't get to see tiny feet...
the first time i saw tiny wee fingers...
then when i went back and looked, his little legs were not tucked up anymore and i could see a wee tiny foot... so small, i can't even explain how tiny... & the toes were no more than grains of salt.
i thought caleb was so tiny...
steph, ... i know i had way less blood clots with Caleb than with hope. i don't know why... his birth was easier too... maybe because i was induced? i know i was hospitalized with both because of blood loss... i did pass out with caleb too and end up in the hospital, but it was 2 days later... i passed out in a restaurant bathroom and Neil had to come find me and carry me out & to the hospital... i'm still really dizzy today... can't stand much. beg ~~~ to be gentle with her body... spend time holding and loving on her other babies too...
i know God led us to wait & let babe come on his own timing this time... & every step of the way, i've felt his hand guiding...
since babe's birth, He's been silent...
i've been crying out... & there is no answer.
i don't know why...
p
today we went to the funeral home.
neil said it was sad when he filled out the paperwork and it hit him when he had to fill in 'relationship to the deceased' & he had to write father... he said it hit him that he's the dad... that this was his little baby too... the man was incredibly kind and understanding. i'm so grateful to God for surrounding us with people who are helping us make good choices...
when we left, i finally felt peace.
we talked about scattering babe's ashes...
we were both thinking casaloma ~ but neil said it first...
mom ~ i love the idea of a memorial bench...
neil and i talked about them last summer & thought it was a beautiful idea.
i hate the idea of planting a tree ~ & seeing it die...
or moving away...
neil took everyone to gymnastics and i ache too much to write more...
much love,
paige
dear haven,
i made the little silver angel with the word 'hope' engraved on the back into a little necklace and i've been wearing it every day... when i found out that my little one had gone to heaven, i heard a song on the radio in the doctor's office and it was "in the arms of an angel" do you think little hope is in the arms of an angel tonight? thank you for your gift and for your note.
Wyatt, thank you for your note too. i am so glad to know that you and your family have been praying for us all... we are all very sad. The bible talks about the Holy Spirit being our comforter... we sure need Him here now.
Carrie, thank you for the box of special things you put together with your mom. that was very helpful to cairo too ~ as she is really hurting too. she used some of those things to put on a spa for her gammie because cairo feels better when she is blessing someone else. Your gift was very thoughtful, and i thank you and your family for praying for us too.
auntie loves you all very much ~
auntie paige
“Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak
whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.”
~William Shakespeare~
March 5
February was a *hard* month...
i'm just tired... & sad... it's amazing how hard you're able to push for the sake of your anxious little girls to put a smile on & to dance with them in the kitchen & talk about 'fluff' because you see they need you right now... but i never feel like i'm doing a good enough job... school has been going along... but really spotty...
my mom & dad are doing the most beautiful thing for us...
we lost a son 4 months into my pregnancy almost 10 years ago...
Like Kim in 3hills said ~ you never forget ~ & this little guy had a huge impact on our lives & forever changed me as a wife & mom (& person)...
My mom & dad have offered to buy a 'memorial bench' in memory of our 2 little babies that went 'home' early. We asked them to put it in Kelowna ~ because we'll always go back there & it's where our story started & it's such a beautiful place.
i'm grateful that you all have been praying for us.
God has been faithful & present...
much love,
paige
now to trust Him...
i have a hard time opening up my cupboard in the morning. Since i lost Hope, i don't even want to take my iron... & i look at my bvitamins & my folic acid & i just can't.
Neil is the same as he was after we lost Caleb...
quick, let's get pregnant so you won't hurt anymore... & it's just not like that for me (or probably for most women)...
Sloanie's pregnancy was *emotional* & what a sweet treasure she is... but the *fear* is so hard to get around... & i'm not guaranteed a healthy baby just because after i lost Caleb, i had 4 normal pregnancies...
i told mom that *this* is an easier place to be than 6 months ago before Neil had his reversal... & it's true... both places are painful... but here at least, i feel like the control is back where it's supposed to be....
i have to go read with Peyton. there is so much in my heart right now... uncertainty... hurt... maybe fear too...
i want to be tried & found faithful... but it's easier to accept each gift & blessing from God than it is to allow Him to take those sweet blessings home early... i hear of those women who have lost 12 babies & i don't think i could survive... i'm just barely treading water as it is...
gotta go
p
March 6
Our little one came on monday feb. 26th... did i already tell you that?
i've been writing a lot ~ it's been very healing for me... & i wrote a little 'birth announcement. did i already send it to you? i'll send it to you & if i already sent it, you can delete.
physically i'm doing ok... i ended up in the hospital as i passed out at the end ~ had nothing left i guess. i saw that you called & i know i'm a horrible friend ~ but having trouble answering the phone... hiding behind my computer is so much easier for me.
God has been very *present* and faithful... & i am so grateful for your prayers.
The littles have been so sad (especially Cai who was so excited about this baby) ~
Neil has been good ~ but it's been hard on him & then the added stress that he hates his job has been just too much for him.
This sounds like a really depressing email ~ but it's not... it's like that poem about the tapestry where we only see the underside, but God is doing something amazing...
March 13
Becky,
we had our little baby on Feb 26th... it was *hard*... physically, emotionally... i ended up in the hospital as i passed out (from blood loss?) at the end, but i had already had the baby & what a blessing to get to see & hold my little one. so tiny... unbelievable God's creation. God is good & He's been so present & faithful... the pain, sorrow & grief are very real... but i want to be able to let God work through all that to finish what He's started.
My empty arms sure do ache... & thinking ~ "i should be this far along now"...
My mom & dad have offered to do the most beautiful thing for us...
They are buying a "memorial bench" in Kelowna (it's one of our favourite places & it's where we met & married) for our two little ones who "went home early". Our son, (who we lost almost 10 years ago) we named Caleb, & this little baby, Sloanie named "Hope" for Hopeful in Little Pilgrim's Progress. We ended up getting baby cremated & have decided to scatter babe's ashes there...
p
i'm amazed at the amount of silence surrounding miscarriage...
it leads young girls to make choices that go against all our little mother hearts...
God, help us see life ~ your gift ~ as precious. Help erase the hurts that abortion has wrought. Give us the courage to speak about our precious babies... Even when others might mock our pain ~ or rub salt in our wounds ~ intentionally or otherwise. God, i see the ugly fruit of abortion in the lack of compassion for mothers who lose their precious longed for children in the womb. i see the ugly fruit in the terminology "tissue", "products of conception". Even "embryo" and "fetus" seem to take away from the tiny person who was and forever will be a part of our family. i see the ugly fruit in the *silence* that most women suffer their grief and pain in. i see ugly fruit in the shame that women feel in wanting something better than a d&c for their tiny lost babies. I see ugly fruit in the myth that "there's nothing to see... nothing to bury... nothing to grieve"...
Oh, God, let Your healing begin. Give me courage to bear my broken heart. Help me be willing to speak Your Truth. Help me see through my own pain to Your Heart. If it's your will for my wounds to remain open, and bleeding... help me be willing. if it's your will for me to allow other to see my private personal pain... help me be willing. Let Your Will be done in my life and my family.
p
mom & i talked about the bench & i thought you all might like to know that the inscription we decided on is this:
each fragile life, a gift
caleb 09/97 + hope 02/07
nothing shall separate us
i hope you all get the chance to see it one day... depending on where it gets placed, it might not be up till next september (2008)... but till then, i can think about it & know that this marker will stand in memory of my little ones... such a blessing.
Thank you so much, mom & dad...
p
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