i am a teetotaler

Here it is - my quirky subject matter - i can't edit it. So take what you like - ignore what doesn't apply & read about a small place in the current where i have no doubt in my mind that i'm supposed to stand. The current is strong - because there are so many, many smaller issues like this - where we choose differently... Your issues might be different than mine - but i think it's helpful to sometimes see things through the eyes of another.
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call me closed minded...
quote the story in the bible where Jesus turned the water into wine, or remind me of alcohol's medicinal quality. Call me a hypocrite because i still love my morning cup of java, or point to the skyrocketing obesity rates as a more dangerous addiction... but social drinking - or drinking by any other name...
it's not for me.
i have never had alcohol - i know 's a little shocking eh? It was never much of a temptation for me in high school when the drunken bush parties abounded and boys staggered or fought & girls lost their inhibitions... and more.
& now? - it tempts me less.
Maybe 'unwinding' doesn't seem that necessary - maybe there are some for whom, (it seems to me - as an observer), alcohol quiets that still small voice that was making them uncomfortable in the first place. Maybe a more appropriate response would be, "Speak. i'm listening."
Maybe i have seen too much drunkenness... or maybe i'm angry that there is so much pressure to conform to a social convention that preys on the weak & that i have no affinity for. & yeh... most might say they've never felt the pressure... i only had to meet one alcoholic to form my rather harsh sounding views...
Whatever the reason...
i am a teetotaler - & i can't see that ever changing.
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ps - i still love my social drinking friends - and husband - but i guess this post is the sigh that explains my, "no thank-you".

open hands

i know - my posts have been a little heavy lately. Sometimes life is like that - a little heavy...
i found myself in the shower - where i can catch a rare quiet moment some days - praying over some hard things & the thought flashed into my mind before i had the presence of mind to stop it, "Father - is there someone else's character that you could work on for a little bit?"

Kinda like the pot asking the potter if He really knows what He's doing...

As soon as i recognized the thought, i laughed at myself. Is my character really worth so little to me that I would ask Him to stop working on it for the sake of my comfort?
So i changed my tune... i said to Him.... "No Father - If you could scratch that last part... i didn't mean it. Whatever you've got for me, Bring It On... Less of me - More of you."
& i mean it.
Maybe it will be painful - or maybe it will be miraculous. i'm not without hope... but whatever joy or sorrow comes - i want to accept it gratefully from His hands...

In moments of clarity

i realize just how broken i am. i see how my failures impact everyone around me - & how my lack of character costs them...
In moments of clarity - i snuggle closer to the tiny form huddled under my covers in the space usually filled by my husband. i curl my body around my little boy's warmth, and inhale his sweetness.
In moments of clarity - i miss Neil so bad that i'm pretty sure it's a sin. i ache for him with a longing that leaves me full of sadness.
In moments of clarity - i'm immobilized.
Today - i was cleaning up. Arms full of toys books, pens, paper, a little sweater, a tea towel...
& a moment of clarity hit.
i stood for just a moment - then flung my burden - (yes - flung it) to the ground. i fairly stumbled to my piano - & played the song before me...

There Is A Redeemer.

Redeem me, Jesus. Pay my ransom and restore my worth.
Use my moments of clarity to draw me deeper into your embrace...

too chicken

so -
i found i am too chicken to post what i wrote for today (that i alluded to in yesterday's comments). It'll have to join my other ghost 'draft' posts for the time being.
i often do this...
i write when i feel impassioned & edit when i'm not (except i only edit posts that require a bit of gentleness).
i try to choose my words carefully.
So - maybe one day it'll make it to the publish page - & maybe it wasn't worth writing in the first place.
i'll let you know.

the current

The current -
Threatens to overwhelm.
mid thigh - in deep waters, i'm certain that
one
more
step -
will cause me to lose ground - or worse - to lose my footing completely and in my exhaustion i'll be swept away in the waters that wash now around my legs in angry foaming curls.
Oh God - spare me a life being swept in the current - give me what i need to stand - bare feet on a slippery rock bottom - hands upraised to balance, or plead for deliverance.
This current - is relentless. The water never stops coming - it's tireless and unmeasurable.
Maybe it's only a matter of time till i slip beneath it's cunning pressure. It's easy to forget in my panic - the price that was paid by the One who asks me to stand - in this precarious position...
so, till i slip - or am rescued -
till i'm washed away - or given a firm place to rest -
till the waters rise to cover me - or recede and die -
i'll stay midstream - standing against the current.