Three days left till my due date... & then i guess i start counting up..

It's beyond cold here. Around -35C & closer to -48C with windchill. i am so ready to have this little one out & in my arms. To see the little toes that have been stretching my belly & meet the little person who is already so deeply loved & anticipated. It's amazing how close you can get to the end & still sort of feel like it's 'never gonna get here'...

Here's a pic of Chewie & Peyts dressed up for 'when i grow up night' at awana.... my little cop & nurse...

T-h-i-r-r-r-r-r-t-y- S--e------v-v-v-v-e--n.... You know that old saying "time marches on". Well, that certainly doesn't fit with the sluggish version of time i seem to be trapped in. Part of it is i've got this crazy cough that's keeping me up all night. i honestly feel pretty good otherwise (no fever, runny nose...etc...) but Sloanie told me i sound like the dying frog on Shrek the third. Too funny, i totally do too.
My littles have been so good. So helpful, so easy to please. i am so blessed.

Doctors appointment today... everything's good... more thoughts from writing emails...
This one to my family:

Soooooo, since i'm wanting to hear an update from dad, i thought i'd update you all!
i went to the doctor today for my 36 week check up & i saw another one of the doctors in the practice. She was really good & i'm happy about that 'cause that's 3 out of the 6 that i've met & i like them all so far! My blood pressure is "excellent" & baby doesn't seem huge or anything, so, i'm thinking we're not looking for an early baby. My u/s dated the pgcy with a due date of Feb 2nd (2 days after my original of Jan 31st) so i'm thinking it'll probably be at least that late... Also, i had been a little concerned with my cervix since i had a d&c the month before i got pregnant. She checked & i'm not at all dilated or effaced ~ (& lots of women are at this stage of pregnancy, but i'm usually sealed up like a drum, so it's good to know that nothing's changed for me...)
Anyway, mom, i don't know if you were booking flights or gonna wait till last minute, but as of right now, i'm not thinking you need to come in Jan at all.
i feel really good ~ i'm trying to be rid of all anxiety ~ i find myself trying to keep my mind on the shallow side of things & yet when i do that, i find i'm missing out on my relationship with God because i almost feel like i can't bear the depth... (if that makes any sense...) It's easier to think about bangs or toenails than eternity sometimes... Physically, pregnancy is a lot easier for me than mentally...
i'm so grateful for this little gift & i can't wait to meet this baby & even tho 4 weeks seems like *forever* right now, Steph keeps telling me it's only *days*... i don't think i've ever been this ready for a baby. i've got a beautiful little brand new carseat & stroller, diapers, wipes, newborn soothers, a couple of teeny newborn sleepers... All i need is the baby!
Anyway, enough blathering...
love,
p


My mom wrote me back:
Strangely….I understand exactly the sentiment(s) that you expressed….haha. When we are able to go deep it’s wonderful…but then I think sometimes if we always kept going deeper and deeper….haha…we may crack up. But each fore’ leaves us with a little deeper range I think…and as long as we are operating in this old world….the little everyday things keep our feet on the ground here….I think we have to just lighten up sometimes..

MA

i've been downloading songs to listen to in labour... It has been sooo good. i've been using a lot of the "shout to the Lord kids" songs & some Jason Upton, & just a general mix of what i think i may need to hear. When i was listening to those songs, i found myself being comforted... Knowing my Father still has his fingers on me & that He is keeping me ~ even in this time of shallowness ~ in the palm of His hand.

This is my 35 week picture. i can't wait to meet & hold this wee one.

So i was writing an email to a friend who's had a similar year to me ~ homeschooling mama who lost a much anticipated baby & is now anticipating again ~ tho they're adopting & we're pregnant... Anyway, i've been wanting to blog about this for so long, but i don't even know what i'm feeling on it. i thought maybe i could post some of what i wrote to her in the hopes that i can mull it all over some more & gain more understanding for myself...

"It's funny how the anxiety is so hard to get around... Even here at 33 weeks. Some days are great & other days... not. It's a strange place to be. i find myself pulling away from God... not because i'm not willing to submit to Him, but because the thought of what i could lose is so daunting, i have a hard time dwelling on it. Does that make any sense? i'm finding it easier to keep my relationship surface because i feel like i could just sink into a pit otherwise. i know it's not right... half of me yearns for that connection i felt with God when i lost Hope ~ but the other half is afraid to revisit the pain. i need to rediscover the Joy in my relationship with Him. Sometimes i just don't know how to do that because it seems i've focused so much energy on the sombreness of our relationship instead of the Joy."

i was thinking about this in church the other day ~ how i feel myself resisting Him. Not because i'm afraid he'll take the baby ~ but because i don't want to think about it. i don't want to think about what storm He'll next require me to walk through. There's not one fibre of me that is angry at God... or that thinks i know better ~ & yet, why am i pulling away? Why am i so afraid to press in? Where is the Joy? Why am i so focussed on what i could lose, instead of what's to gain by resting in Him?