communication

Neil: Paige, i'm so excited that...
(my heart starts pounding - he's going to acknowledge all my hard work in finishing my book. He's going to tell me how proud he is that i finished and ask if he can read it now... )
Neil:... that you said you're going to clean the house this afternoon!!
He smiles proudly and encouragingly at me and i burst out laughing.
He has no idea what's so funny.
But i got the dang house clean.

timing...

His... not mine that is...
i got my book yesterday. Funny how that little event coincided with Ash Wednesday; the beginning of a Catholic holiday that has proved beneficial to me over the past several years.
i believe that the observance of lent can serve as a tenderizer to the heart - and do i ever want to be soft.
40 days - 40 weeks.

(*not the real cover - but very similar to the one we ended up choosing :)

The whole day seemed full of "40" - i got an email from a sweet friend, inviting me to look at the website 40daysforlife.com and was encouraged to pray fervently for the wounded and the hurting, the ones impacted by abortion in our country - and our world during this season of lent.
That same day, my mama posted a picture of the teeny memorial plaques that my parents placed for Caleb and Hope (and wee Charis too)... We have been waiting years- and this is the day i first got to see their little names inscribed with the words so carefully chosen.

And maybe i'm reading into the coincidences surrounding the timing of the arrival of that brown parcel - with my skinny novel inside - but i feel the whisper in the wind to keep giving all i have for His glory - and to continue to proclaim truth gently.

My sister said to me, "Sometimes God's timing is just so gentle and obvious of a reminder that He *is* concerned with what concerns us most. love..."

i love that too...

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ps - still going through the little painstaking process to finish off tiny bits of edits before i make my book available... i think it might be ready by May?

four words

A list i'm on offered the following challenge - to choose four things you love/enjoy/admire about each member of your family. Here goes... this post took me WAY longer than the average post... try it.

Radar - just, obedient, intelligent, leader
Softie - loyal, humorous, dreamer, helpful
Sparkly eyed one - humble, servant, quirky, compassionate
Chewman - positive, gentle, tenacious, thorough
MisB - quick witted, understanding, friendly, curious
Sunshine - playful, confident, grateful, ardent
babE - determined communicator, attached, persistent, comradely
Bess - generous, honest, grounded, practical

just before three

i took this picture a week or so ago as i sat checking my phone to see if Neil messaged me.
i think that one day, i'll forget the intricacies of how these days were put together. i wonder if i'll ever forget the amount of work that went into every single day? That seems to be the theme of my days lately: working... hard.
Will i remember the days where there were no breaks - combined with the nights where there was little sleep? Will i remember the way my muscles ached at the end of a good day - & the happy feeling that comes from a tidy house as i turn off the lights to head upstairs to bed, chores completed - having spent the day with my favourite seven people? Will i forget one day what it was like to have everyone under the same roof? Our house brimming with life and energy? i remember when i was little, my mom had a note taped to the thermostat, "if you're cold, vacuum." i guess i'm not cold much anymore... except maybe on a day like this:


i'm sitting 'cause i miss neil so i am sad. i'm wearing shoes 'cause it was -36C with windchill outside and i couldn't get warm... no matter how much vacuuming i did (that doesn't explain my son who is wearing a hoodie but no pants...) i'm wearing green socks 'cause they're awesome.
So, this is a typical afternoon. Sloanie working in her room, Ephraim finishing off his nap, Gagey trying to wreck Moll's book that she left out, Charter in his tortoisesque way finishing his LA, Cai practicing violin and Peyts phoning her bff...
See? Seven isn't so crowded... it's kinda nice - having all these sweet little friends.
Aren't you all glad Neil bought me a blackberry so i can snap pics for my blog?? i really should use my nice camera more...

paddling out to sea

Do you ever think about what it means to be 'wrestling out your faith with fear and trembling'?
i wrote this post recently when neil was away - (don't worry, gramma - i'm trying not to tell the world exactly when he's gone...)
i almost didn't post it because it was such a strange, seemingly unprovoked post, but i'm gonna post it anyway. Sometimes i think my subconscious longs for my Father in ways that my conscious mind would be likely to turn off... and it leaves me hungry for Truth - and aching for Home. i don't often understand my dreams - and i dream every. single. night... But, my dreams usually leave me with an inkling - it's like an aftertaste - or a waft of a familiar scent - that leaves me puzzling.
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i'm in a dangerous mood.
Have you ever felt your insecurities catch up to you - finding you undefended, and unprepared?
When this happens to me, i often have one of several recurring dreams... Last night i felt the dream coming on, even before my mind was fully asleep. i was alone, at dusk, paddling out into a vast body of water before immersing myself and swimming down to the dark depths where there is peace. In my dreams, i don't lack oxygen - and all around the ocean floor are small tornado like funnels reaching up all the way to the surface of the water. One time, in a dream, i took a sip of air from one of them - but it would almost rip your face off, the force of that funnel - it's like sticking your head out the window of the vehicle as you speed down the highway... so i don't sip breaths from them anymore. i paddled benignly around seeking the darkest, quietest - deepest places and felt familiarity at every turn and was comforted in my solitude.

Suddenly i was torn from my safe place - and i landed in the middle of a farmer's field. i wasn't alone any longer - and my carefree swim gave way to back breaking labour. i was wearing jeans and rubber boots and i was sweating through my t-shirt as i worked with other women to free a giant tractor that was stuck in the muck. i put all my body weight into the task, and felt my boots slip in the mud underneath me. The rubber from the tires seemed to bite into my shoulders as i pushed, and only felt myself move. My friends all around me, found places to lean their bodies against the beast and pushed with me. Suddenly - i wondered if i felt - just the slightest bit of movement - did we somehow gain some traction in this sea of wet earth?

In that moment, it was like a camera panned out - and i could see the tractor for it's true size - and i shuttered at the pointlessness. The tire was so huge that i was like a pebble sitting almost underneath it - shadowed completely by it's enormity...

Could it be that we had moved that behemoth... in any perceptible measure?

i awoke this morning in a dangerous mood.

i feel emotional - but too tired to wrestle it out with fear and trembling. i feel too tired to pick a fight - but unwilling to give in to complacency... even my wonderings are non specific, pictures of what i believe - and what i can't believe... sifting what i've been told with truth and finding differences...

i wish neil were home... my grounding force.