i never posted this before ~ it's Cai's, but she said i could. i think sometimes i underestimated the impact that losing Hope would have on my other children. i remember i brought them all to the ultrasound ~ & they waited in the waiting room for me. i remember trying to get myself under control ~ just till we could get to the vehicle ~ but they knew something was wrong. Neil was out of town & we were going to pick him up at the airport. They all started asking questions & i just broke down clinging to the steering wheel & blurted out that our baby had died... all five of them cried. The sorrow was palpable. Cai seemed to me not the same for several months after we lost Hope. Even when we told her we were pregnant again, she just sobbed. Shortly after Gage was born, she wrote this poem... called, The Baby.

One winter day, a baby was born
a baby so special and long waited for
that one little person, so perfect and small,
changed all of our lives, the first minute we knew him.

Before this baby was even conceived,
another small baby began to be weaved...
but this little baby, so loved and so hoped for,
never took it's first breath in this imperfect world.

Both babies were blessings,
and we loved them both dearly,
but only one lived,
and only one cried.

Oh, why must we only remember?
When we could hold and love.
Oh, why must we only remember?
The baby who never could be.

My Favourite Bible Story
i do have a favourite. There are a ton of good ones in there ~ & seriously, every time i read my bible, i find details that i've missed every other time. It is such a good book. i love the "do not worry" passage in Matthew ~ & haven't we all at some point felt like we could relate to Job? & then there's Jonah... & the big fish & John the Baptist & Elijah... i love the story of the fiery furnace & the story of Esther being born 'for such a time as this'... just jumping around randomly to a few that pop to mind as i type this...
But, my favourite bible story is in 2 Chronicles.
It's part of the story of King Hezekiah ~ i know he wasn't perfect ~ but there's a part where the people have totally fallen away from God, Hezekiah says, "our fathers were unfaithful"... & he knows things need to change ~ but it's not even Hezekiah's obedience that gets me. It's later on, when Hezekiah decides to celebrate Passover. It's supposed to be celebrated in a certain way & there were rules to follow & times to observe it. They hadn't been able to celebrate it at the regular time because not enough priests had 'consecrated' themselves & the people had not assembled in Jerusalem ~ & later on it says 'since many in the crowd had not consecrated themselves'... (2 chronicles 30:18-20) "*yet* they ate the Passover, contrary to what was written. But Hezekiah prayed for them saying, "May the Lord, who is good, pardon everyone who sets his heart on seeking God ~ the Lord, the God of his fathers ~ even if he is not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary." And the Lord heard Hezekiah and healed the people."
So i love this story because every so often, i've wondered, 'God, have we just fallen too far & are too far gone to hear your voice & follow? Have we messed up our bible translations, have we misinterpreted the Good News? Have we passed down tradition instead of *true* Christianity? Hezekiah's story gives me hope. They did it wrong, & the only thing they had in their defence was that they had set their hearts on seeking God.
It's not a finish line, but it's a good starting point. i'm setting my heart on seeking God ~ He is faithful ~ i have to believe that He will teach me & not let me continue in ignorance...
So, i make Hezekiah's prayer mine too...

walk to remember

Brennan's & Caleb & Hope's balloons went together ~ Brennan's is on the bottom.





The Walk was beautiful ~
We got there & registered ~ & visited with my sister Stephanie & her crew & my friend Jen & her husband Brian. Every so often, i'd look around & wonder that there were all these people there who missed a little one too... i think there ended up being around 350 people there ~ & they said they had anticipated a quarter of them. The walk was short, but so pretty, with leaves falling all around us ~ as we got back to the place where we started, there was a part of the sidewalk where they had written each one of our baby's names. i found Caleb's right away & looked & looked for Hope's. We found sweet Brennan's name written in white & standing out so clearly 'i was here'... & then found Charis Fehler & Wyatt said to me, 'that's our baby'. i thought to myself ~ that's ok... i know there are a million details going into an event like this & if they missed Hope's name, it's ok... & we went & sat down. A minute later, Stephanie found me & showed me the picture she took of Hope's little name... i have no idea how we missed it ~ but, i'm so glad she found it. They had given us tags for the balloons we were going to release. i wrote their names on tags & tied them together on a balloon ~ some wrote a message on the back ~ i didn't... maybe next year. They called our babies names one by one & we released our balloons. What a beautiful day ~ to see their names ~ that don't normally get written, to hear their names ~ that i don't normally hear... & just by my presence to say, 'i miss my babies'.

i read about this walk on my friend Jen's blog. i told her, "i just fell in love with the idea when i read about it ~ it so makes sense to me ~ in this country where "choice" is shouted so loud that *grief* cannot be heard... " & then after i typed those words, i thought, i'm gonna put them on my blog. What my sister wrote resonated with me too...
i asked Neil if he would take me & he said yes right away.
i am so blessed.
so... i think we're gonna go.
p

*sigh* i have no time to blog...

but i felt like it.

i just now felt jealous of my (almost) 8 month old baby because i laid him gently in his little bed with a soft blanket. *sigh*... i have to go clean house & get supper started ~ (i impromptu invited company, so i should at least try!)

So, just a little story that i remembered that reminds me of this *season*...

Charter came into my room with pencil & paper in hand & excitedly asked me, "MOM, HOW DO YOU SPELL, 'I LOVE YOU GIRLS'"? So, i wrote it down for him to copy & laid back smugly in my bed, 'i must be doing something right...' when he appears again..."MOM, HOW DO YOU SPELL, 'SORT OF'"

hehe.

i love house cleaning...

sort of.