~bit of a whirlwind...
My doctor phoned me last night at 5pm & said she was going to try to get me in asap, (didn't want me to wait the weekend ~ honestly, i didn't either, i've been feeling really poorly). She said maybe they could get me in tomorrow morning & i thought we can make that work (it's Good Friday, so Neil would be home). She phones me back at 6pm & says the gynecologist on call thinks i should come in tonight & she agrees. i told her Neil was out of town till late but i'd try to make arrangements... (i was getting kind of nervous looking after the littles & feeling the way i did. i had given Cai the emergency numbers to call just in case anything happened to me). So, i called some new friends we'd made at the church and they came over & took me to the hospital & left their daughters here to babysit for me. We had to wait once i was admitted because i had eaten. i finally got ahold of Neil before i got taken in for surgery. He said he'd come as fast as he could (he doesn't take his phone in business meetings... *sigh*).
i had good edifying company visiting with the friends who brought me to the hospital, but i just talked and smiled and tried to put on a good front to cover several things... (my embarrassment? my neediness? my sadness? ~ guess it's just really hard to let everything hang out in real life).
Finally at around 10:30? they wheeled me in for surgery... Neil still hadn't arrived & i was sure wishing he had.
So, i was lined up for surgery in my gurney behind an old man who was getting cataract surgery. (Kept claiming he hadn't signed any forms).
He had a thick german accent & the nurse helping him had a thick french accent. So she says "do you have all your own teeth?" & he says "feet??!" "no, your teeth".. "my feet??" "No, sir, your TEETH" (she says pointing to her own teeth... ummm, *editor's note* he has gauze covering his eyes....) "my own FEET???" (this goes on and on) ~ finally, my doctor arrives asks me, "where's your chart?" (how should i know?) He searches around for it & finds in on the german man's gurney. i say, "he probably wouldn't have been impressed" (the doctor howled).
Haha, now you'll say i'm punishing random men (those of you who thought i was punishing Neil in the ultrasound post), but i'm not. That really happened.
The doctor was really kind. Before the surgery when he came to talk to me i said, "i know this is routine to you..." & he goes, "but you're scared & you want me to be careful. i promise i will take care."
Anyway, i had never been 'knocked out' before... when i came to, i remember i was crying and asking to nurse the baby? i must have been confused. Maybe because childbirth has been my only experience with hospitals... maybe because i was aching so much ~ i don't know, but when i realized what i was saying, i cried even more & i was embarrassed... My throat was so sore i could hardly croak, but i wanted Neil... he hadn't arrived yet. i told the nurses i didn't want our friends to come see me. i just wanted to wait for neil. He finally arrived & they let me go around 12:30.
Today i'm home ~ & recovering. By the time i got to the hospital last night, i had a fever, so i know that this was the route i needed to take.
Gotta go.
p

Waiting for a phone call from someone to tell me when i have to get that nasty surgery. Lots of moms say that i'll feel better... oh, i'm so hoping to. This is maybe too much information, but when my doctor phoned me yesterday, she said the reason the surgical d&c is unavoidable is because it's been almost 6 weeks since babe was delivered & my cervix is closed & she says there is not much chance of me being able to deliver what's in there on my own. She had originally said if there was a problem we could consider the surgical or chemical d&c, but the u/s said there was too much there to consider the chemical d&c ~ i don't know if one would be better than the other anyway.
On top of that i've been feeling terrible physically... (i had a ruptured cyst on my breast, headaches, i'm so tired & maybe only 10 days without bleeding since Feb 23). She thinks all my symptoms are from haywire hormones & bloodloss.
i was telling a friend of mine that it feels like forever since i've felt good & feels like i'll never feel good again.
i'm so glad i've already delivered tiny baby as i can bear making choices that affect my body... & not someone else's.
i'm so beyond disappointed. i want to feel well for my family & i just can't go on feeling like i do... but in so many ways i wish this could be behind me.
i've been emotional & crying & i so wanted to avoid the surgery.
p

Bad news...
Dang. The doctor phoned me this afternoon and it looks like i'm going to have to have the surgical d&c afterall.
i'm so disappointed.
we don't have it scheduled yet.
p

well, i certainly don't want a doctor to 'humour' me... but if there's something not right, i'd like one to help me get to the bottom of it. Had the u/s in the north east. Neil couldn't make it again. y'know, i would love if God could arrange just a teeny pay back. Like if Neil had to drink several litres of water and then follow a map to a location 30 minutes away in heavy traffic that he's never been to before ~ having to stop and ask directions of several people who don't speak english and finally having to wait in a waiting room while they try to find your referral that hasn't been faxed over. Once at the appointment, Neil could have his full, exploding bladder massaged ruthlessly by man named IGOR who also has difficulty with english (at this point, it would help if Neil were a woman, had his period and 5 small children waiting in the waiting room with several more people who don't speak english). Finally, Neil would be allowed to drain his bladder, and would be told that now they were going to do an internal ultrasound. (i can imagine the look of discomfort on his face). Neil would then be told that he has to undress from the waist down. Then lie on a ramp so his bottom is up in the air (he's lying at about a 60 degree angle with a paper nightgown on) He's at such a steep incline, he'll have difficulty inserting the embarrassing contraption, but he'll manage. After a LONG, embarrassing, examination with a woman "chaperone" (as Igor says)... Neil will be told to put his knees together and HOLD THE CONTRAPTION between his legs while Igor goes to get the radiologist to discuss the results. After several minutes of uncomfortable small talk with the chaperone, Neil might casually inquire (while lying with his bottom in the air with a contraption shoved inside him, in a paper nightgown)... "ummm, when do you think Igor will come back?" the chaperone won't know. so he'll try to avoid eye contact while she quizzes him on his extraordinary family size. Finally, the chaperone (maybe she gets uncomfortable too... Neil's legs are shaking by now) decides to go see where Igor is. They both return several minutes later and Igor says he couldn't find the radiologist, so he will thankfully remove the contraption from between Neil's legs. Several minutes later, Igor leaves the room so Neil could dress and drive home by a different route because there would be an accident on the deerfoot and he would need to phone me for a different way home (i would know how to get home & in the background Neil would be able to hear the clink of cutlery as i'd be eating my lunch). That would be a nice little change of affairs... i wonder if there would be more compassion in the world if men had to endure a fraction of the humiliation we endure.
Honestly, next time my doctor prescribes a medical procedure like this, i'm going to weigh my options. worst case scenario... death? vs. the internal ultrasound? hmmm... it's pretty much a toss up... 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.
p

April already. Certainly doesn't feel like spring. We've been getting a ton of snow.
Physically ~ been having troubles:) i hate to be a whiner 'cause i know my issues are so small compared to what some people live with... but it's hard for wimpy me.
The doctor is sending me for an ultrasound & i got some more bloodwork done. In so many ways, i wish that these physical things i'm going through were behind me. All the little aches and pains of pregnancy are of no consequence when you get a little baby at the end. But to have to go through the pain of losing your wee one~ & then to have physical complications just seems unbearable. & i don't know how much of this post is hormones talking & how much is really me.
Sometimes i feel like i'm stuck reaching back. & i'm going a hundred miles an hour ~ away ~ farther away from my babies. But, Oh, God, by your Goodness alone, i'm working my way towards my little ones & the taste of heaven has sweetened yet again & i rest in the knowledge of your Goodness.
i wonder about You, God. i wonder about the parts & things i don't know or understand. & i want to know You. God, Father, God of Abraham, i want to know You. i don't want to anger You by wondering about untruths, but i don't want to be so stuck to theology that i miss the still small "whisper in the wind".
Gotta go, running out the door to my ultrasound.
paige